Is there an obligation to house a family member no matter what? If they can afford to pay for their own place to live, but their poor choices have put them in a bind, would they still be welcome?
And what if their behavior is intolerable?
A person dealing with a difficult mother-in-law turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Makeupaddict337 asked:
“WIBTA if I throw all my mother-in-law’s things out of my house after she moved herself in?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My mother-in-law (MIL) had previously moved in with us, and we had to kick her out due to her behavior. Then she moved in with her boyfriend and he kicked her out too.”
“She had been staying with a friend temporarily, but had to leave because the friend’s daughter is coming home from college and needs her room back.”
“I came home from work yesterday to find that MIL had moved herself back into my house without permission from my wife or me. We had left the garage door partly open to charge a car.”
“We can’t get the car inside the garage because MIL has stuff stored in there.”
“So she somehow got it all the way open and found the spare key we hid in the garage to let herself in the house. She had moved some things back into the guest room and was sitting in bed watching TV.”
“MIL will be at work all day tomorrow while I have the day off. I’m thinking about putting all her stuff outside on the curb or renting a pod to put it in and changing the locks.”
“WIBTA for moving her out?”
“She really doesn’t have anywhere to go besides her car, and her stuff might get stolen or messed up—people have seen bears around.”
The OP later added:
“MIL has always been like this. Her problem is she only thinks about what she wants right now and expects everything else to magically fall in line.”
“My wife was raised by her grandmother from age 10 onward because she was diagnosed with Type-1 Diabetes and her mother couldn’t even be bothered to keep her medications and supplies on hand.”
“MIL has a job and could easily afford an apartment if she budgeted better.”
“She got used to having super cheap rent for several years because she was giving the landlord favors, but then her landlord died and his kids wanted her out so they could fix the house up and sell it.”
“My wife doesn’t want her here but doesn’t want her to be homeless either. She’s trying to get her brother-in-law to take her, but I know MIL doesn’t even want to live there because of the nine kids with the younger ones being VERY unruly.”
“She makes enough to rent a place, but she prefers to spend it on other things, and we can’t get her to budget.”
“Her car is a Land Rover with a crazy payment and she says it costs her over $100 to put gas in it, she always has designer bags, and she buys new clothes when she doesn’t want to do laundry. She’s always taking clothes to goodwill because she buys so many.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Planning to throw all my mother-in-law’s stuff outside while she’s at work. Her stuff is likely to get stolen or ruined by the weather/wildlife.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/WNBTA).
“NTA She’s a squatter. Don’t do a pod because you will pay for it forever. Spend a little extra now and move it to a storage unit, prepay for a month or two and tell her she can figure it out after that. If she comes back call the police.”
“Breaking in is not magically okay because they’re related. She has nowhere to go because of her own choices, and it’s no ones responsibility to take care of her. She has a job and transportation, she can figure out a shelter, hotel, or apartment.” ~ -cheeks
“I agree, and that means get all her junk out of your garage too! OP you need to check your local laws about tenant rights.”
“Make sure she isn’t there long enough to claim she is a tenant. I realize she isn’t paying rent, but she can still make even more of a headache for you than she already has.” ~ harbinger06
“NTA. She literally broke into your house. That’s messed up! A responsible adult would have called and asked. She can stay with other family, friends, a hotel, etc…” ~ jackedariel
“NTA pack her sh*t, change your locks, and go no contact with her explaining that she is not welcome to live there anymore and didnt have the permission to move her stuff back in. If she doesn’t leave, I’d suggest calling the police. Shes essentially a squatter.” ~ Malibu_Cola
“Change the locks and get some security cameras or a doorbell cam, so that there is footage should MIL try to break in, etc…”
“Doorbell cams that record audio can also be great for keeping a record of any conversations had at the front door or outside the house (ie: when MIL realises her key doesn’t work or when OP’s wife is helping mum to leave and MIL is inevitably mouthing off about OP and wife).” ~ Charlies_Mamma
“Move her out, change your locks! She can’t just move in when she feels like it! The entitlement! As Queen Charlotte would say (to your MIL): HOW ARE YOU NOT EMBARRASSED! NTA.” ~ Stormiealways
“NTA. She was kicked out. She has no right to move back in.” ~ cryinoverwangxian
“Go for it. NTA. How rude and entitled she must be to literally break into your home and take up residence. Especially since you’ve kicked her out before. Id put all her stuff out, and change the locks.”
“She must be hell to live with and from the sounds of it, has made herself unwelcome in more than just one place. Might be time she does some self- reflection on why people dont want her around.” ~ OkPsychology2376
“She is trespassing. I’d inform the police and file a report, then physically move her stuff out, and of course change the locks. Add security cameras to your home, as well. NTA.” ~ Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss
“NTA, so long as your wife is on board. She really has to have a say in how to deal with her mother.” ~ Dependent_Pen_6715
“You’d be way nicer than me. Her stuff would be in trash bags on a curb with trespassing charges taped to it. New locks on everything and cameras up.” ~ Basicmonstergirl
“You should already have moved her out and called the police if she refuses to go.”
“Discuss this with your wife and come up with an agreed course of action, but she needs to be out before tonight. Where she stays is a ‘her’ question.” ~ davekayaus
“Change the locks and put her stuff outside. File a trespassing and breaking and enter report. Say you don’t want to press charges this time, depending on how she reacts.”
“Don’t leave the garage door open, at all, and install cameras in front and back. Hang up a Trespassers will be charged sign. Call her at work and tell her what you’re doing.”
“After making sure your wife doesn’t want her there. Make sure your wife knows that if you let her stay, at all, it’ll cost time and money to evict her.” ~ Mulewrangler
“NTA. Pack her stuff up and change all the locks. Cheap security cameras can be installed quickly. IMO you should really call the police after you move her stuff out and report the breaking and entering.” ~ murphy2345678
“NTA—make sure you include the stuff in the garage so you can charge the car without her breaking in.” ~ perpetuallyxhausted
“NTA. However, put it in a storage unit. Tell her she has 30 days to figure it out. A lot of storage units give you a month free or at a discounted rate.”
“Send her a text and tell her, ‘MIL, (spouse) and I noticed that you let yourself into our home without permission yesterday and tried to store some belongings here. This is not acceptable’.”
“‘Due to past conflicts with you, I want to make it abundantly clear that you don’t have permission to live in my home for any period of time, nor are we allowing you to use our home as storage. This was not discussed, and you can’t just force your way into our home when we aren’t here and think we will accept it’.”
“‘We were kind enough to let you spend 1 night, but that is where our hospitality ends. Your belongings have been stored safely at [location and unit number] and we have graciously paid the first month’s storage.
“‘You will need to remove your items on or before [date of next payment], or pay [amount] to the facility. I wish you luck, but unfortunately, we are unable to assist you further at this time’.”
“‘Any attempts to enter our home again uninvited will result in a call to police for breaking and entering’.”
“This gives you a paper trail. It makes clear you didn’t agree to let her stay. It makes clear that she stayed 1 night and hasn’t established residency.”
“You have a record that she broke into your house. And she can’t say you threw out her stuff and you owe her anything.”
“I’d honestly change my locks and not have a key outside so she doesn’t do a repeat.” ~ nipnopples
It seems like the OP has full support for kicking their mother-in-law out.
No update has been added, so it’s unclear if they followed through.