It’s nice to imagine families being loving, creating memorable moments together, and always being there for each other.
But the truth is, some family members only care about what they can get out of other people, cringed the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, even their own brothers and sisters.
Redditor Weak_Fish_5074 had always felt distant from their family because of having different interests than the rest of the group, and when they grew up and became a lawyer, it did not escape them that they only heard from their family when they wanted legal advice.
When the family tried to shame the Original Poster (OP) for not “being there” for their sister during an ugly custody battle, they questioned when their family had ever been there for them.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for not giving my relatives free legal advice as a lawyer because they’ve always treated me as the black sheep?”
The OP never had a good relationship with their family.
“My family is currently upset with me, and I don’t think I’m in the wrong.”
“I grew up in a s**tty town in Florida. No one in my family ever went to college. The general mindset in my family is to live life in the moment.”
“Everyone’s pretty outgoing. My parents are part of Mardi Gras crews, and my siblings all played sports. They’re generally a fun bunch. But I never really fit in.”
“As a kid, I liked to read, and I focused really hard on school. I hated going outside, and I especially hated the heat. I played chess and was on the debate team.”
“My family all kind of gave me s**t for all of this. They never really made an effort to do things I enjoy, but my parents loved to go to my siblings’ sports games. They wouldn’t come to my debates. It was the same for all of my cousins and other extended family.”
That relationship did not improve in the OP’s adulthood, either.
“I tried when I was younger to have a relationship with them, but I gave up probably ten years ago. I just don’t see the point anymore; the relationships just aren’t there.”
“As I got older, I focused on my education and my career.”
“I’ve drifted apart from my family. They only call me when they want something at this point in my life.”
“I’m now happily married, and I have my own practice as a family law attorney. My husband is a judge in the neighboring county.”
“Over the last few years, I’ve had several extended relatives reach out to me for legal help or questions. I always brush them off and tell them I’m too busy. I don’t feel obligated to help because, once again, they only reach out to me because they want something from me.”
“I won’t work for them for free, but I also don’t like any of them enough to give them any sort of discount. Again, there’s that lack of a relationship.”
The OP continued to refuse to help, even when their sister was in a custody battle.
“Recently, though, my sister lost custody of her kids to her ex-husband. Apparently, her lawyer was not so great, so now she only has every other weekend. My sister has a messy past that ended up in court.”
“My older sister called me, begging me to represent her for free and help her get her kids back.”
“I was honest with her. I don’t even know her kids, and I don’t really care if she has them or not. I pointed out that she hasn’t called me in years, and yet now she’s asking me to do her a massive favor, for free.”
“I told her no.”
The OP’s mother tried to shame them for not sharing their legal services.
“My mother called me to shame me for not helping my sister and for not helping any of my other relatives when they’ve asked.”
“I asked her when was the last time any of them called me just to see how I was doing.”
“I pointed out that my cousin is a landscaper. He could’ve offered to do yard work for me in exchange for legal services, but instead, he just called me up asking for free help. My sister could’ve offered something, or at least asked to pay me back later, but instead, she expects free work. Which isn’t even free, seeing as I have an office to pay for, paralegals to pay, and bills to pay.”
“I kind of went off on her, and she ended up just hanging up the phone on me.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they were not wrong to withhold their services.
“Your family only calls you when they need a lawyer, but they expect you to be their free legal superhero? Sounds like they’re trying to draft you into the ‘Family Law League’ without any membership dues!” – dreamybabygirl2
“Wow, they don’t want to be there for you, not even a simple phone call or cup of coffee from time to time, and yet they expect you to swoop in whenever they need legal help?!”
“No way. It’s all one-sided. Setting boundaries is essential, especially when they don’t even try to keep in touch unless they need something. Keep your peace, and don’t let them in.” – JamesMorgaan
“NTA. They’re using the excuse of being ‘family’ to make such unreasonable demands, yet as family, they’re not even considering OP’s feelings.” – Elena-Lannon
“NTA. You’re a lawyer, not a charity. Your family has shown you no support and only reaches out when they need something. It’s perfectly reasonable to set boundaries and expect to be compensated for your time and expertise.” – tastefulxxpassion
“I would say, ‘I don’t mind representing family, but y’all aren’t family to me, so f**k off.'”
“Why do these people count as ‘family’ to OP? I have an amazing and large extended family. They love me, they like to spend time with me, they have helped me at times. So yeah, they are family and I will help them.”
“These people sound like spammers who have your phone number. Not even nice to you. Total waste of OP’s time.” – madmaxterminator
Others who identified with the OP’s predicament encouraged them to hold their boundaries.
“Every time my phone rings and it’s a family member, I brace myself for a legal emergency. At this point, I should start charging them in cookies and hugs instead of billable hours!” – spagettipastakillers
“When I practiced law, I was in a very niche federal regulatory practice, which permitted me to dodge most family requests for legal advice. I would tell them that they needed an expert in the appropriate field.”
“However, I had a cousin whose son was being bullied at school and the school administration and teachers were failing the child. Based on days of research, I outlined a strategy for my cousin to follow and also referred her to specific attorneys.”
“She didn’t want to do any of the work required because she just wanted me to ‘handle it.’ I wasn’t licensed to practice in her state, but she blamed me.”
“Never again. NTA.” – Excellent_Level1867
“NTA. Sadly, it is very common for family members to feel entitled to what you do or can do for them. My family is similar and I empathize with you.”
“Do not cave. These people, while family, are emotional leeches. Do not negotiate with them and do not cave.” – xanthanos
“NTA. Coming from a similar situation, I’ll give you the advice I had to give myself.”
“You’re not the family pro bono hotline, especially for people who’ve only shown up when they want something. Your time, expertise, and effort have value, and you’re not obligated to give them away to relatives who haven’t been there for you.” – Red-Lips-
“I’ve been there. Debate team, speech club, math club, chess. My family went to my sister’s track meets instead of my debates.”
“Fast forward, I became a CPA, and now they wanted free tax returns. I discounted the rate 40%. Some took me up on it while others didn’t. I actually built back a relationship with those who decided my services were worth the discounted rate.”
“You might try that approach. Say, ‘My work and my efforts to develop my skills have value. I won’t do the work for free.’ Good luck to you. NTA.” – EmploymentIII2944
“NTA. You should have told them that you went into corporate tax law or environmental air pollution law (I don’t even think that one is real, but they’ll never know). That way, you can say sorry, not my field of expertise.”
“When I was in the military, I used to tell people I was a medical person. When I became a civilian, I became a nurse. By then, I just told them that was why they had their own providers and to leave me alone.”
“So… yeah, my family leaves me alone when it comes to anything. They aren’t always happy about that, but it’s a boundary that has to be set.” – YeahIGotNuthin
A few also pointed out that it was important for the OP to stay out of it for legal reasons.
“NTA, as an attorney, I don’t represent family members as a rule. (There are many solid ethical reasons not to represent family members and it makes life easier generally.)”
“The only thing I would do differently is to not have given a reason other than, ‘I don’t represent family members.’ You probably needed to say something after years of being excluded, and I can understand that, so no, NTA.”
“And: seriously, consider making it a personal policy not to represent family members because it’s completely okay to close that door.” – Such_Guide2828
“NTA. I’d keep it at, ‘I don’t represent family members,’ and give them some referrals. Then be done with it.” – Pascale73
“I feel family members are very likely to violate the ‘don’t lie to your own lawyer’ mantra because it’ll make them look bad in front of a relative.”
“Same for when a family member is your doctor or accountant.”
“Hence, I feel people just shouldn’t bother with it. I’d feel far more at peace paying a professional who can’t cause any family drama.”
“Because nothing is ever truly free. NTA.” – LiteratureNearby
“Why even get into a discussion in the whys and wherefores? Just tell them that you are not permitted to do that by the firm you work for, and it is outside your area of specialty anyway.”
“Point them in the direction of someone who specializes in that area that you think is capable and that is all you need to do. NTA.” – Cricket_mum24
“Many lawyers have a policy of NOT ever giving legal advice to relatives whether they are paid or not. It is too easy for the ‘family member client’ to dislike the result and be a time draw way in excess of what a non-relative would require.”
“And the legal issues may not be among those you would accept a paying client for. It’s just like doctors not treating relatives. Have a standard referral suggestion to requests like a legal aid clinic or a bar association referral service.”
“NTA.” – SuPruLu
“NTA. Just because you’re a lawyer doesn’t mean you owe your services for free, especially when they’re treating you like an emergency contact rather than a family member. Stick to your boundaries; they’re important for your mental peace!” – WinnieWhimsy
While it’s easy to empathize with how ugly and troubling going through a custody battle must be, the family could easily round up funds together to pay for a lawyer rather than expecting the OP to do it for free.
If they weren’t ever going to be there for the OP, just to be there for them, they shouldn’t expect the OP to drop everything and provide legal services that they spent years earning certifications for.