When you have a family, you have to make hard decisions.
Not everybody is meant to be around all the time.
That is going to hurt some feelings.
But you might have to do what you have to do.
Case in point…
Redditor perpetuallypolite wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for asking my cousin not to bring his autistic son (my nephew) to my home any more because of a romantic attachment to my wife?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I know from the title, it definitely sounds like I would be the a**hole, but please hear me out.”
“I have an older cousin whose son, my nephew, is in his early 20s.”
“My nephew is autistic and holds a part time job.”
“But is significantly delayed in many developmental areas (I don’t know the specifics) and will never be independent according to his parents.”
“Recently, my cousin and cousin-in-law have been thinking about relocating to our state because of recent job opportunities, and we’ve hosted them in the past when they’ve visited.”
“The first time they stayed with us (before my son was born), my nephew seemed to develop a strong attachment to my wife and always wanted to be near her.”
“He drew a picture of a heart and picked some flowers from our yard and gave them to her before they left, saying he loved her.”
“My wife thought this was sweet and gently handled his crush by telling him she would always love him as his aunt.”
“But she was sure he would find another girl to fill his heart soon.”
“He told her no, she was his girlfriend.”
“This weekend, they were staying with us again and my nephew again wanted to be near my wife every chance he got.”
“His mom and dad noticed and told him that because my wife now had to care for our son, she couldn’t pay attention to him as much as before.”
“He got upset telling us that she was his girlfriend and had a meltdown, which caused my son to start crying.”
“When my wife got up to take our son to another room to calm him down, my nephew got up to follow and his dad had to forcibly restrain him from following them.”
“I stood up to block the hallway into the separate room just in case he got away from his dad.”
“Once they calmed him down, they apologized for his behavior and said they would keep better tabs on him.”
“Here’s the part where I may be the a**hole.”
“I told my cousins I didn’t feel comfortable with my nephew being so possessive of my wife, and I know for sure she didn’t, especially since he seemed to be so jealous of our son.”
“I told them I couldn’t allow their son in our home until he learned to control himself and understand that my wife was not his girlfriend.”
“I apologized but asked them to get a hotel room for the rest of their stay and not to visit us again unless they left my nephew behind with people they could trust and knew would care for him, while they searched for jobs in our state.”
“They didn’t say anything but looked saddened and went to the guest room with their son to pack up their bags.”
“I guess they must have told my extended family what happened because my paternal grandmother called me this afternoon, telling me that I should’ve been more understanding and that I was wrong to ask them to leave.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NAH. You were understanding the first time around, but this time he got physically aggressive and presented himself as a possible danger to your wife and child.”
“It’s a perfectly reasonable request and you handled it very maturely.” ~ algelb
“I am concerned about the new baby to be honest, if the baby is a source of jealousy there could be problems there as well.”
“I am not saying the nephew will hurt the baby but with a newborn harm can come in nearly any form.” ~ ElectionAssistance
“I work with developmentally delayed adults and people underestimate how much restraint adults usually hold even if they get angry.”
“Developmentally delayed people can be very, very scary and strong without meaning to/being fully aware of how to hold back/how strong they are being.”
“The nephew may not have any malicious intent towards OP’s baby but may pick up incorrectly/push/hit the baby out of frustration or jealousy without actually meaning to hurt the baby.”
“He may feel immediate regret/sadness/despair at his actions but unfortunately it may be too late.”
“The above scenario may also never happen.”
“I’ve never worked with or even met OP’s nephew.”
“But the warning signs of aggression and violence are there and OP’s main concern should be the safety of his wife and child over hurting someone’s feelings.” ~ SakuraFerretTrainer
“I have a cousin about the same age as me that is severely developmentally delayed.”
“He’s also always been large for his age.”
“It got to the point that he couldn’t play with us when we were kids, because he would hurt us.”
“Not on purpose, he just didn’t know his strength.”
“He also would throw a tantrum appropriate to someone at the age of his intellectual capacity or lose his temper and lash out.”
“He was very interested in W[orld]W[ide]F[erderation] (I’ll show my age here, it was still called that at the time) and would try to do the moves on the rest of us.”
“He actually put my younger sister in the hospital when he body slammed her.”
“He was about 6 feet tall and over 300 lbs.”
“After that, he couldn’t play with us anymore.”
“This caused a huge rift in the family, because his parents would defend him so fiercely.”
“He didn’t purposely hurt anyone and he didn’t understand how much he was hurting them.”
“But, at some point, it becomes too dangerous.”
“He literally could have killed one of the smaller kids.” ~ Fifty4FortyorFight
“It’s not even the crush on the wife that concerns me as much as potentially targeting the child due to jealousy.”
“I work with kids in a residential facility, most of them on the spectrum, and I have seen and dealt with jealousy over attention from staff many times.”
“Although it seems like OP’s nephew is much better able to regulate himself then my residents, I would still be concerned with an infant around.” ~ Noli420
“NTA – the thing that sealed it for me is you saying he’s jealous of your son and possessive of your wife.”
“Your son’s safety comes first. End of story.”
“You were not wrong in my opinion and I think you handled the situation well.” ~ CrypticDecay
OP came back with more deets…
“Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment or private message me with their own experiences with family members who are/were autistic.”
“There’s not nearly enough time for me to respond to each of the comments, which honestly surprised me when I saw how many had reached out to me.”
“But I wanted to address some questions that had been asked.”
“The first one is that technically, my cousin is my second cousin.”
“My dad is an only child so the cousin I refer to in my post, is the son of my own dad’s first cousin (my paternal grandmother and his paternal grandfather were siblings).”
“I’m not sure if this is correct but his autistic son would technically be my third cousin?”
“The reason I refer to him as my nephew is because he’s the generation after mine in our family tree and it’s less of a mouthful to refer to him as cousin-x-removed.”
“A lot of people have posted that it’s not correct to refer to him as my nephew but to be frank, I don’t care, and my family’s never followed this traditional genealogy nomenclature.”
“I apologize if it was misleading in my post.”
“Without being specific, in the western state I was born and grew up in, it’s not uncommon to refer to even close (unrelated) adults as uncles or aunts.”
“I call him my nephew because my cousin and I were close and I still hope to have a close relationship with him if at all possible (though I don’t know how after this situation).”
“Some have asked if I was jealous of my nephew calling my wife his g[irl]f[riend].”
“The first time, I thought it was amusing and was surprised that he had any romantic notions towards anyone, let alone my wife.”
“Remember, in my mind he’s my nephew and I never thought of him as anything other than a large kid because of his developmental delays and normal (for him) childlike behavior.”
“Regarding the situation that happened this weekend, I was only concerned for my wife and son’s safety.”
“I didn’t know how he would react and followed my cousin’s lead, but wasn’t about to let him get near my wife and son once they left the room.”
“I don’t know what was said to my paternal grandmother but I don’t want to react in anger and want to talk to my cousin once we’ve both had time to process what happened and calmed down.”
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
You’re not being malicious.
You have to put your family’s safety first.
Good luck.