As much as we might like to imagine every marriage having a happy ending, some couples simply have an ending.
Some issues, even in a marriage, are too much for the couple to overcome after all, sighed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor No-Confusion-5184 used to deeply love his wife and continued to do so, even long after their bedroom intimacy became non-existent, leading him to eventually separate.
But when his wife demanded to work on the marriage after he went public with another woman, the Original Poster (OP) questioned how there could be a relationship left that was worth saving.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to leave my girlfriend to be with my wife?”
The OP felt his marriage dissolving nearly a decade before.
“My wife and I have been separated for three years. Before that we were together for 10 years and married for 9. I loved her very deeply and we were very happy.”
“We had our children who are 12 and 10. After the children, the sex became something I had to beg for. She never initiated it and I got rejected 99% of the time. At first I would say something, and she would say I was nagging her.”
“Then I asked her to go to marriage counseling, and in one of the sessions, she just snapped and said that we have our children now so what is the point of sex. I give her that she seemed to regret it immediately when she said it and said it was just a joke because she felt cornered by the therapist.”
“She tried to disprove her statement by paying me attention but it only took a week for her to go back to her old ways.”
“That’s when I decided I will drop the whole subject. I thought when she wanted sex, she could talk to me.”
The OP eventually decided it was time for a separation.
“This session was eight years ago. For the next almost five years, we never had sex, until about a year before our separation.”
“I told my wife that I was unhappy and wanted change and maybe marriage counseling again and sex therapy, but she was dismissive and said that I was nagging and why couldn’t I just be happy? She was happy and didn’t think we had a problem.”
“I did love her still by then so it was hard for me to leave because we often leave when the love is gone. It took me a year to put my affairs in order and I told my wife that I was leaving her. I found a rental near my house so we can co-parent easier.”
Then the OP met a woman who changed everything.
“I started meeting women for casual sex, but two years ago, I met my girlfriend. She is amazing in every aspect. I realized that I have true feelings for her very early on but we kept our relationship private for a while.”
“Everything was good and everyone was happy. Now I have made my relationship public, and a week ago I got a call from my mom and she asked me to visit her.”
“She told me that my wife wants us to start counseling and therapy and reconcile. I wasn’t sure what to tell her because I have never told anyone the reasons for our separation.”
“So she called my wife and my wife was there within five minutes (like they had planned this). My wife said that she promise to make changes and that she has been thinking about it. She loves me and we are a family.”
“My mom said I was selfish for throwing my daughters for a woman.”
“Then my mom left to do shopping for dinner and my wife came on to me and tried to kiss and touch me and said that she was willing to give me what I wanted and start counseling.”
“I backed away because I felt like I was betraying my girlfriend.”
The OP felt caught in the middle of two worlds.
“I got home and I told my girlfriend everything.”
“She didn’t say much more than I should make this decision myself. She probably feels guilty for standing in the way children getting their family back.”
“But I don’t love my wife and I don’t want her pity or doing things for me. I want my girlfriend who wants me and gives me herself willingly.”
“But now this turned into me choosing a woman over my daughters.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned why the OP wasn’t divorced yet.
“Why aren’t you divorced? You’re living separately, co-parenting, and you’ve been in a relationship with your girlfriend for two years. Please just get a divorce. Make everyone’s lives easier and less complicated.” – Melodic_Pack_9358
“You’ve been separated for three freaking years. Why haven’t you filed for divorce already? Especially after finding your new girlfriend.”
“File the papers and stop sitting on the fence.” – broadsharp
“I don’t see how kids will understand the difference between separation and divorce. Their dad is out of the house living with another woman. Same thing.” – EmotionalOven4
“But but but just think: OP’s walking away from the opportunity to get terrible pity sex twice a year for up to two years until she quits having sex with OP again.” – xasdffx
“Divorce as soon as possible. The girlfriend sounds like she’s good for him, not pressuring him to make the decision. Also, if OP went back to his wife, she’d cut him off again pretty quickly. She just doesn’t like he’s found a woman he’s happy with.” – Kajira4ever
Others agreed and stated the wife and mother were manipulating the OP to stay married.
“Your girlfriend is not standing in the way of your daughters’ family. You tried and suggested a lot to save the marriage, but it takes two to fight this, and your wife didn’t want to. Sooo NTA.”
“Seems like your wife didn’t think you would actually find someone else and now she’s love bombing you to keep you from divorcing her.” – lottyxd02
“This happened after he went public with his relationship. She had three years to figure out she ‘loved’ him before that. This was a knee-jerk reaction to her realizing he was not on the hook anymore.”
“If she really loved him, she’d have sought help well before he moved out.” – FunnerThanUsual
“The fact this is even a question is mind-boggling. What is he basing potentially reconciling with his ex on? Some 1950s idealistic life?”
“Like, he loves his girlfriend almost straight away. She seems nice.”
“The ex-wife uses sex as a weapon and to manipulate and only suggests counseling to win him back when she sees he’s mentally moving on from her. And lies during an important therapy session and ambushes him with his mother? That reconciliation idea is a hard no from me.” – PumpkinPieIsGreat
“It’s also not choosing the girlfriend over the kids unless Op chooses to make it that way. Divorced parents can both be involved in their kids lives and co-parent.”
“Mom and wife are using the girls as leverage, wrongly, and I hope they don’t say these things around them. Op needs to talk to them and make sure they know they are welcome and they are not responsible for any of this.” – ScarletDarkStar
“OP probably needs to have a serious look at his relationship with his mother, too. He married an uncaring, manipulative woman, who apparently had no trouble getting his mother to side with her and, let’s call a spade a spade here, conspire with her.”
“There seems to be an obvious connection there. Cutting ties with one might not suffice.” – felix_magnetus
Some reassured the OP that his daughters and girlfriend would thank him later.
“By staying, you are giving your daughters the example that it is okay to be unhappy in relationships, and it’s just not.” – By_enthusiasm6637
“Staying is role modeling the negative behaviors to the daughters, showing them that they have to sacrifice their own happiness to stay in a relationship.” – Deldelightful
“I had friends growing up who stayed together for the kids. It was funny to hear them complain about how much their parents hated each other, and that they should just get divorced. And usually, everyone was happier when the divorce happened.”
“It’s when you think you have a happy family and then there is divorce; that is a separate issue. If people are fighting constantly, it affects everyone, and for some reason, people think kids are dumb, but they can sense way more going on around them than most parents realize. It’s like they forgot what it’s like to be a kid themselves.”
“I remember being like six or seven and knowing there was f**ked up s**t going on around me. I could tell people were trying to hide s**t. You can’t fool a kid as much as you think you can when it comes to certain things.” – Skootchy
“Get the divorce. Your daughters living in two happy homes is better than living in one unhappy home.” – RegularCompany7287
“The girlfriend giving the ENTIRETY of the decision to OP would have immediately made the decision for me. Anyone who respects you that much truly does love you, in my opinion.” – Mtflyer05
The solution couldn’t have been more clear to the subReddit, which was for the OP to file for divorce, continue co-parenting his daughters, communicate clearing with them about what was going on, and enjoy his time with his girlfriend.
If the OP’s soon-to-be former wife really wanted to stay married to him, she would have made the effort long before he went public with his girlfriend.