Wedding gift registries offer a range of items guests can purchase that fit their respective budgets.
One woman had a specific item in mind for a friend who was getting married and had been very generous in the past.
But her mechanic husband took issue with it, and after he gave his critical input, he sought judgment on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
There, the anonymous Redditor asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my wife spend my money on her best friend?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife has known her best friend since middle school. Her friend is a lawyer, and her family is quite well off. She makes a lot and is pretty generous with it."
"My wife has had a few things paid for by her. Specifically, she covered my wife's portion of her bachelorette trip. The other friends didn't make much and so she covered it. She also paid for a portion of my wife's rent twice and she normally pays the bills if she and my wife go out for food."
The OP continued:
"This friend is now marrying a doctor and I don't think they have any trouble with paying for anything they want. My wife is a SAHM, and I'm a mechanic. I bought home a bonus of $3k and when I told my wife she immediately started talking about getting her friend a really expensive necklace from this brand she knows her friend really wants."
"She showed me and the cheapest necklace is $2k on the website. She insisted I should spend the bonus on a wedding gift for her friend. I shut her down and told her it's my bonus and she really cannot expect me to buy her friend something this expensive."
"I don't think wedding gifts even exceed $100. She began fighting with me saying I buy lunch out of the house and I have stupid hobbies that cost a lot of money so why can't she spend some money like buying her friend a necklace?"
The OP added:
"I do spend a bit on my hobbies and I have 2 cars but I also work my @ss off and her friend can definitely pay for it herself. She is marrying a doctor and they already have a house whereas we are still renting!"
"I told her she was insane, and she insisted we sit down and tally up everything I spent on myself in the last year, and if it was higher than 2k, I should pay for the necklace. I think it's ridiculous to compare the two and I'm refusing to let her buy her friend a ridiculously expensive gift."
"She insists her friend has spent a lot on her, and I also saved money because her friend pays for meals and activities whenever they hang out, so she doesn't have to spend our money."
"I get that the lope-sided relationship isn't the best, but then she should refuse to do anything that costs too much and let her friend decide if she wants to just hang out without doing anything that costs money."
"She refuses to talk to me now and I'm wondering if I'm the a**hole here?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors shared their take on the OP's situation.
"Not the a**hole for refusing to buy your wife's friend an expensive gift that's more than half of your 3k bonus."
"Potentially the a**hole for what sounds like an uneven distribution of money and/or input on how it's spent. When the spouse is a stay at home, the breadwinner can't lay total claim to income. 'My money' vs 'our money.' "
"Supporting your stay-at-home spouse requires more than just ensuring their bare necessities are covered while you spend unilaterally on expensive hobbies and multiple vehicles, then complain about renting instead of owning your home. Your wife has a valid reason to question your cumulative 'fun money' expenses."
"If you're legitimately concerned about whether you're the AH, you should oblige her and tally up everything you've spent this year on yourself. You may find that she's right; you spend big on you, and she gets scraps. Some would consider that financial abuse when factoring in the power dynamic play. As the breadwinner, you hold all the leverage." – RandomDerpBot
"The devil is in the details. Without the history or context, OP is obviously not wrong. But these kinds of posts tend to hint at other concerning things that could be worse than what he is defending himself from."
"Not guaranteed at all, but this should raise a few eyebrows at least." – letstrythisagain30
'The devil is in the details.'
"For sure. It always is. But this definitely raised my eyebrow. It sounds like the necklace is really a straw man argument for a much bigger gripe his wife has about how finances are split. " – RandomDerpBot
"Agree. But the idea that she wants to spend $2,000 of a $3,000 annual bonus when there are one income family with kids in my mind would indicate that she is not financially prudent."
"This may be a road they've gone down before. But the way he talks about money as my money is wrong. 100% wrong."
"Addressing it the way he did would make anyone angry. Why not talk about what the kids need? Or what the family needs? And frame it in that way which would be 100% fair?"
"But you're not spending my money on someone else is not the way you talk to your partner and your spouse." – TALKTOME0701
"I don't think this is a case where she wants $2k for every $3k bonus and instead wants a one-time thing for her best friend's wedding gift. Also from the sounds of it this friend has done A LOT for her and probably will do more in the future so it is understandable why she wants to do a big thing for her when give the chance on her friend's special day." – Fuliginlord
"It sounds as if wife would like to reciprocate some of the friend's generosity. I get it because i was in wife's position several years back. Wife could purchase something that is thoughtful but not as expensive. Arguing about 'My Money' vs 'Your money' isn't fair to the wife." – Safford1958
"She's not the one not financially prudent. He has impulsively bought cars and spends money on his hobbies—all without her approval. He's also said anything that's not essential she has to clear with him. The only way she can do anything with her friend is the friend pays for her share too."
"It's just financial abuse." – katismic
"OP is likely in the same trap as a number of other people: writing off their partner's contribution as worth less because avoiding costs doesn't generate cash."
"In fact, the wife's contribution is greater than the cost she is preventing, because you don't get taxed on that value. If she's providing $40,000 of childcare a year that's the equivalent of another $60,000 wage." – Mayor__Defacto
"Agreed that the gift is overly extravagant and may be out of budget. But as a SAHM, she's working hard, and should have some day in where money is spent. It doesn't seem that your wife asks for expensive things."
"It sounds like she wants to celebrate her friend's wedding and reciprocate a little for her friend's generosity over the years." – Melodic_Ranger926
"Yeah.. this is where I am having a hard time with OP's post."
"I can see where spending $2K on a necklace for her friend is a bit overboard under their present financial conditions."
"But the way he worded everything is well, rather icky."
"It's the yeah, 'HE' has two cars and 'HE' has activities, and it's 'HIS' bonus. Like, where is the 'we' in this or if the bonus isn't necessary for maintaining the household, why isn't his first reaction well, I earned this bonus for 'us' and give his wife an equal part that isn't required for the household."
"I could be wrong, but this post feels like OP is 'in charge' and his wife just has to go along with everything he says or wants. That's not a partnership."
"Any decent man might actually feel badly that his wife's friend is sharing nice things as often as it seems she is. To be honest, most men who are good providers would be rather stung by this and would try harder to make sure that their wives had money to at least purchase their own dinner when dining out with friends (by the way WHY does you wife's friend pay for her meals when they go out??)."
"It feels like he doesn't want anyone else looking in his wallet, but he's fine to assume anything he wants about the friend's wallet and finances just because of the type of job she has. Again, that's icky. Just because friend is an attorney and will be marrying a doctor, it doesn't mean they are debt free and rolling in dough. They may have a butt load of student loans between them!"
"While it may not be financially feasible to spend that kind of money on the necklace, OP, you are being TA. You need to do better."
"P.S. And by the way. most mechanics I know aren't exactly paupers!" – moew4974
Overall, Redditors didn't look favorably upon the OP to assess his quandary.
They also surmised the wife's friend has been generous because she may be cognizant of the OP's personal spending habits that never include the both of them.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.