Wedding gift registries offer a range of items guests can purchase that fit their respective budgets.
One woman had a specific item in mind for a friend who was getting married and had been very generous in the past.
But her mechanic husband took issue with it, and after he gave his critical input, he sought judgment on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, the anonymous Redditor asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my wife spend my money on her best friend?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wife has known her best friend since middle school. Her friend is a lawyer, and her family is quite well off. She makes a lot and is pretty generous with it.”
“My wife has had a few things paid for by her. Specifically, she covered my wife’s portion of her bachelorette trip. The other friends didn’t make much and so she covered it. She also paid for a portion of my wife’s rent twice and she normally pays the bills if she and my wife go out for food.”
The OP continued:
“This friend is now marrying a doctor and I don’t think they have any trouble with paying for anything they want. My wife is a SAHM, and I’m a mechanic. I bought home a bonus of $3k and when I told my wife she immediately started talking about getting her friend a really expensive necklace from this brand she knows her friend really wants.”
“She showed me and the cheapest necklace is $2k on the website. She insisted I should spend the bonus on a wedding gift for her friend. I shut her down and told her it’s my bonus and she really cannot expect me to buy her friend something this expensive.”
“I don’t think wedding gifts even exceed $100. She began fighting with me saying I buy lunch out of the house and I have stupid hobbies that cost a lot of money so why can’t she spend some money like buying her friend a necklace?”
The OP added:
“I do spend a bit on my hobbies and I have 2 cars but I also work my @ss off and her friend can definitely pay for it herself. She is marrying a doctor and they already have a house whereas we are still renting!”
“I told her she was insane, and she insisted we sit down and tally up everything I spent on myself in the last year, and if it was higher than 2k, I should pay for the necklace. I think it’s ridiculous to compare the two and I’m refusing to let her buy her friend a ridiculously expensive gift.”
“She insists her friend has spent a lot on her, and I also saved money because her friend pays for meals and activities whenever they hang out, so she doesn’t have to spend our money.”
“I get that the lope-sided relationship isn’t the best, but then she should refuse to do anything that costs too much and let her friend decide if she wants to just hang out without doing anything that costs money.”
“She refuses to talk to me now and I’m wondering if I’m the a**hole here?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors shared their take on the OP’s situation.
“Not the a**hole for refusing to buy your wife’s friend an expensive gift that’s more than half of your 3k bonus.”
“Potentially the a**hole for what sounds like an uneven distribution of money and/or input on how it’s spent. When the spouse is a stay at home, the breadwinner can’t lay total claim to income. ‘My money’ vs ‘our money.’ “
“Supporting your stay-at-home spouse requires more than just ensuring their bare necessities are covered while you spend unilaterally on expensive hobbies and multiple vehicles, then complain about renting instead of owning your home. Your wife has a valid reason to question your cumulative ‘fun money’ expenses.”
“If you’re legitimately concerned about whether you’re the AH, you should oblige her and tally up everything you’ve spent this year on yourself. You may find that she’s right; you spend big on you, and she gets scraps. Some would consider that financial abuse when factoring in the power dynamic play. As the breadwinner, you hold all the leverage.” – RandomDerpBot
“The devil is in the details. Without the history or context, OP is obviously not wrong. But these kinds of posts tend to hint at other concerning things that could be worse than what he is defending himself from.”
“Not guaranteed at all, but this should raise a few eyebrows at least.” – letstrythisagain30
‘The devil is in the details.’
“For sure. It always is. But this definitely raised my eyebrow. It sounds like the necklace is really a straw man argument for a much bigger gripe his wife has about how finances are split. “ – RandomDerpBot
“Agree. But the idea that she wants to spend $2,000 of a $3,000 annual bonus when there are one income family with kids in my mind would indicate that she is not financially prudent.”
“This may be a road they’ve gone down before. But the way he talks about money as my money is wrong. 100% wrong.”
“Addressing it the way he did would make anyone angry. Why not talk about what the kids need? Or what the family needs? And frame it in that way which would be 100% fair?”
“But you’re not spending my money on someone else is not the way you talk to your partner and your spouse.” – TALKTOME0701
“I don’t think this is a case where she wants $2k for every $3k bonus and instead wants a one-time thing for her best friend’s wedding gift. Also from the sounds of it this friend has done A LOT for her and probably will do more in the future so it is understandable why she wants to do a big thing for her when give the chance on her friend’s special day.” – Fuliginlord
“It sounds as if wife would like to reciprocate some of the friend’s generosity. I get it because i was in wife’s position several years back. Wife could purchase something that is thoughtful but not as expensive. Arguing about ‘My Money’ vs ‘Your money’ isn’t fair to the wife.” – Safford1958
“She’s not the one not financially prudent. He has impulsively bought cars and spends money on his hobbies—all without her approval. He’s also said anything that’s not essential she has to clear with him. The only way she can do anything with her friend is the friend pays for her share too.”
“It’s just financial abuse.” – katismic
“OP is likely in the same trap as a number of other people: writing off their partner’s contribution as worth less because avoiding costs doesn’t generate cash.”
“In fact, the wife’s contribution is greater than the cost she is preventing, because you don’t get taxed on that value. If she’s providing $40,000 of childcare a year that’s the equivalent of another $60,000 wage.” – Mayor__Defacto
“Agreed that the gift is overly extravagant and may be out of budget. But as a SAHM, she’s working hard, and should have some day in where money is spent. It doesn’t seem that your wife asks for expensive things.”
“It sounds like she wants to celebrate her friend’s wedding and reciprocate a little for her friend’s generosity over the years.” – Melodic_Ranger926
“Yeah.. this is where I am having a hard time with OP’s post.”
“I can see where spending $2K on a necklace for her friend is a bit overboard under their present financial conditions.”
“But the way he worded everything is well, rather icky.”
“It’s the yeah, ‘HE’ has two cars and ‘HE’ has activities, and it’s ‘HIS’ bonus. Like, where is the ‘we’ in this or if the bonus isn’t necessary for maintaining the household, why isn’t his first reaction well, I earned this bonus for ‘us’ and give his wife an equal part that isn’t required for the household.”
“I could be wrong, but this post feels like OP is ‘in charge’ and his wife just has to go along with everything he says or wants. That’s not a partnership.”
“Any decent man might actually feel badly that his wife’s friend is sharing nice things as often as it seems she is. To be honest, most men who are good providers would be rather stung by this and would try harder to make sure that their wives had money to at least purchase their own dinner when dining out with friends (by the way WHY does you wife’s friend pay for her meals when they go out??).”
“It feels like he doesn’t want anyone else looking in his wallet, but he’s fine to assume anything he wants about the friend’s wallet and finances just because of the type of job she has. Again, that’s icky. Just because friend is an attorney and will be marrying a doctor, it doesn’t mean they are debt free and rolling in dough. They may have a butt load of student loans between them!”
“While it may not be financially feasible to spend that kind of money on the necklace, OP, you are being TA. You need to do better.”
“P.S. And by the way. most mechanics I know aren’t exactly paupers!” – moew4974
Overall, Redditors didn’t look favorably upon the OP to assess his quandary.
They also surmised the wife’s friend has been generous because she may be cognizant of the OP’s personal spending habits that never include the both of them.