Being a parent usually means dealing with your children’s friends.
To curb unruly behavior, many parents come up with a set of house rules for both their kids and their kids’ guests to follow.
But if a young guest repeatedly defies those rules, is it appropriate to ban them from coming over in the future?
Redditor Anon_mommy recently found herself in the middle of that very circumstance, so she turned to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) to see if she was wrong for her actions.
She asked:
“AITA for wanting to exclude a neighborhood kid?”
The original poster (OP) said it all started after her family moved to a new neighborhood.
“I (28f[emale] former teacher now homeschool mom) just moved in to a new neighborhood and my daughter is becoming friends with the children on our street (ages 2-9 yo).”
“Everyone seems nice and our kids play fairly well together until one 8yo child in particular shows up. Said child has very few boundaries at home and is deeply upset and defiant when presented with any kind of rule.”
The OP laid out her house rules to her daughter’s new friends.
“We have a fun house with video games, toys, food and fun activities that I want everyone to be a part of. When the kids are over I remind them of what I think are very reasonable indoor play rules.”
“-No screaming inside (we work from home)”
“-No breaking things or using rough hands.”
“-Respect boundaries and bodies.”
“-Use kind words and do kind things.”
“-No name calling.”
“-Be a good friend, the kind of friend you’d like to have.”
“I give constant reminders and 2nd chances on the rules because the kids are young all still learning. But if they repeatedly break my house rules they must be sent home.”
“These rules apply to all the kids, even my own. In the beginning my kid has had whole parties end for acting unkind to others.”
“The fighting and arguing seemed to get worlds better after almost all the kids figured out the rules were not a joke.”
But the one child resisted in ways that made the OP very uncomfortable.
“Of course the child with no boundaries has had the most difficult time with the rules.”
“You’ll ask them not to scream in your ear and they do it instantly again. They make fun of others, especially when others are already upset.”
“They are unkind and very rough to neighborhood animals. They have repeatedly shut my daughter alone in a bathroom or closet with them every opportunity they get which really creeps me out.”
“They have thrown dirt in my child’s face and pretended it was an accident. They lie constantly to me and others. They have called other children hateful names.”
“This behavior is shrugged off by the child’s family! 😔”
Finally, the OP reached her limit.
“Today I finally sent the child home after breaking the rules, and was met with rude and defensive behavior from the family.”
“I really really don’t want this child at my home anymore, and was thinking about saying supervised outdoor play only from here on out so they won’t need to come inside and follow my house rules anymore.”
“As an early childhood teacher I understand it is also healthy for them to figure out their boundaries themselves.”
“Arguing and figuring out social dynamics of the neighborhood is fine with me. I just do not allow hatefulness in my house.”
But her guilt has been getting the better of her.
“I truly feel bad for excluding this little monster but trying to teach them anything seems like an uphill battle.”
“I also have zero support from their family so far. Apparently their child, who is terrorizing the neighborhood kids emotionally, is perfect?”
“Am I the a**hole for wanting to kick this kid out of my personal space? Am I the a**hole for trying to protect my kiddo from a possibly harmful friendship? Any advice appreciated.”
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most assured the OP that she was doing what she needed to do to protect her child.
“NTA at all, your boundaries sound healthy and reasonable; and, it’s not like you’re banning that kid from seeing your child at all, you just don’t want to invite them back to your home.”
“I think the parents are just defensive because they feel (rightfully) called out for their kid’s lack of boundaries and poor behavior. Don’t worry, it’s not your job to parent their kid.”—LadyOfIthilien
“They probably are upset that they got called on it. I’m wondering if they got used to so many people tolerating that behavior because they felt too awkward to call it out, or they’re the parents who feel that everyone is against them and their kid and no one understaaaands.”—TaiDollWave
“NTA”
“It sounds like they may have a tough home life. I would ask your child what they want…. if they want them around or not. Your top priority is for your daughter to feel safe in her home.”
“If your daughter says yes she wants them around, then what I would probably do is have a talk with them and make it clear that from now on they will be sent home the first time any rule has been broken. And stick to it.”
“The second they break ANY rule they are out the door. Chances are for a few weeks they’ll be leaving every day after 5 minutes.”
“This way people can’t get mad at you for ‘excluding’ the child because every day is a new day for them to have another chance.”
“If your daughter says no she doesn’t want them around, they’re gone. I totally understand if you just want them out completely.”
“If they are unruly and threatening your daughters safety in your own home you have every right to keep them away.”—windyafternoon
A few, however, were a bit less forgiving.
“You said you give 2nd chances, but if you told the kid to be quiet and then he yelled in your ear… and you didn’t send him home? All that he’s learning is that people will bend their rules for him.”
“And now? Now he’s finally gotten some consequences, and instead of sticking to your guns, you’re willing to let him ruin it for everyone.”
“Moving everyone to outdoors because the hellion can’t be in your house anymore seems incredibly unfair to the kids who’ve been following your rules and who’ve probably really been hoping that at some point their bully is going to get kicked out and they get a safe space to play.”
“They’re probably all incredibly relieved and happy to have a place to play that’s safe from his abuse – but instead, you’re willing to give in and make everyone go outside because he and his parents are putting up a stink?”
“Again, I don’t know what message you want to be sending, but it sure looks like you’re changing your entire behavior (and ignoring whatever the other kids might want) in order to accommodate this child and his parents.”
“That’s really only going to reinforce this kind of behavior from them and make them feel vindicated in being even worse neighbors, and is also going to give the other kids exactly the wrong idea for how to handle bullies.”
“Do not let this kid bully your kid, or the other kids. And don’t let this kid or his parents bully you.”
“(Obviously, if you decided that it was too much work having all these kids over, it’s totally your right to stop having them over. But it doesn’t sound like that is the problem; it sounds like the only problem is this kid and his parents, and canceling for their sake is telling the rest of the kids that they aren’t as important as their bully.)”
“ESH”—FeuerroteZora
“ESH.”
“You sound like a very nice person who is trying hard to help this child. But you have been sacrificing your own child to do this.”
“I do not understand why you are allowing the neighbor’s kid traumatize yours. I’d worry that your daughter is losing her trust in you since you are prioritizing her bully over her.”
“It’s way past time to protect your daughter.”
“Obviously the other parents are a**holes. Poor kid.”—runtsky
In response, the OP owned up to her failings.
“Yeah you’re right. This kid won’t be coming over again.”
“I felt like I could help them but once it became clear this was beyond me I ended the playtimes immediately. I truly want to help people but if said people see no problem they can’t be helped.”
“If my child wasn’t so lonely since the pandemic I would have immediately banned them, but after several chances I am banning them regardless.”
“My child’s safety and her kind friends are my top priority at this point.”
One Redditor was concerned about some of the child’s problematic behaviors.
“I would like to piggyback and say that these issues are indicative of some serious emotional problems.”
“I don’t know exactly what you mean by being rough with neighborhood animals, but that is one of the top signs of some intense psychological issues and I would talk to the other parents and maybe see if everyone can keep an eye on them.”—dezeiram
The OP chimed in to give a few more specifics.
“Scaring a very sweet cat. On purpose, jumping and screaming at it.. Chasing it and cornering it, slapping it when it comes to be pet.”
“My daughter cried and got upset that this kid wasn’t being kind to her favorite cat. I asked the kid to be nice to the kitty, the kid obviously kept tormenting it and the mother watched her kid doing this and said ‘he (the cat) can run.'”
“Missing a huge teachable moment of empathy and kindness… I was shocked and just left as the cat followed us.”
Those revelations only made other Redditors more concerned for what this child might be capable of down the line.
“If this child is purposely cruel to animals and their parents are accepting and encouraging that behavior, then at some point the child WILL physically hurt other kids, likely ones who are younger and smaller. If they aren’t doing so already and that’s a huge if.”
“Normally I would say that excluding a child who behaves poorly due to poor parenting is not a great way to handle things. In this case, f**k that.”
“I wouldn’t let my kid or anyone else’s kids near this child because of the huge potential for serious injury. The responsibility to help a child whose parents are awful ends where that help poses a real risk of harm to your own child.”
“If there’s any way you can help or guide the kid, I’d do it, but do not allow your own child to play with them unsupervised, ever.”
“They already know it’s okay to inflict pain and fear and hurt on anything that can’t fight back, because that’s what their parents are showing them. It will not be limited to animals.”
“And at 8 years old, actions that result in fear or minor hurt and actions that result in severe injury all seem the same. This is a kid who might throw dirt at your child or might instead hit them with a rock, with the same intent both times, but one of those things can have tragic results.”—chaospearl
“This! Cruelty to animals: Step 1 on the road to being a serial killer.”
“OP you are NTA.”
“This is the universe’s way of checking that child before it’s too late or before they learn the hard way that people don’t like spending their time with selfish people.”
“It’s a wonderful teaching opportunity for you too. Let your daughter know that she never has to take abuse from anyone.”—encouragement_much
“NTA”
“I already knew you weren’t an AH but seeing this…”
“This would result in a permanent-ban from my home. From my entire property or associating with my family.”
“Violence towards animals is never called for. Ever.”
“Sometimes you can rationalize why a child would hit another child – because the other child caused some upset. The violence isn’t acceptable but you can understand the rationalization.”
“Hitting an animal? That’s pure malice and done from enjoying seeing others hurt.”
“Please tell the cats owners about this child. If it’s a stray, please rescue it. This child will escalate in their violence towards animals as they age if it isn’t stopped.”—Ohcrumbcakes
It sounds like the OP is taking her verdict and the advice she received from her fellow Redditors to heart.
Here’s hoping that the child gets the help (and the parenting) they need before their dangerous behaviors escalate.