When out-of-town family visits chaos can often follow.
The way people have their homes set up can be off-putting for others.
This is why so many people choose hotels.
Things can get especially dramatic once certain people start openly criticizing the hosts.
Hosts may find that offensive.
Redditor 781046craycray781046 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my in-laws stay with us again?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband (34 M[ale]) and I (31 F[emale]) recently threw a birthday party for our 3-year-old daughter.”
“We also have two other little ones in the house (2F and 1M).”
“My husband’s dad decided that he wanted to stay with us for the party.”
“He brought his wife, my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw], and my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw].”
“We were hosting almost 100 people in our house.”
“I ordered most of the items we needed for hosting/serving purposes and had the food catered.”
“All we needed to do on the day of was move around our home to accommodate the tables/chairs/hosting equipment and set everything out.”
“My F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] decided to spend most of the day in his room and away from the setup.”
“His wife was constantly walking around and complaining about being asked to stay quiet since the baby was napping.”
“As I was running around carrying large tables, moving furniture, decorating, watching children, etc. my husband’s family was calling me mean names behind my back while also being no help at all. not even hanging out with the kids that they were supposedly there to see!”
“After the party, my family stuck around to help clean up.”
“My husband’s family also stuck around, apparently just to judge.”
“My FIL, his wife, SIL, and BIL all stayed out of the way and napped while we cleaned up.”
“My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] and her husband sat around and watched my family clean up.”
“After my MIL and her husband left (3 hours after the party ended) they were apparently talking about how weird it was that my family was helping and how gross it was that everything needed to be cleaned right away.”
“They said that my kids are probably going to have problems as they grow up since I keep them in such a ‘sterile’ environment.”
“My house is in NO WAY perfect, but after hosting that many people there is definitely some cleaning to do before letting 3 under 3 run around the house again!”
“I told my husband that his family is no longer allowed to stay with us when they’re in town for events and they need to leave when the event is done.”
“I’m tired of feeling judged in my own space.”
“He says I’m being too harsh and that they’re just not as ‘clean’ as we are.”
“He thinks since they didn’t actively hinder us and didn’t make these comments directly to me, I should just brush it off.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. They came in to your house and lazed around and criticized you in the middle of a massive event.”
“They can get a hotel.” ~ Mushboomy
“NTA. You don’t just have a in-law problem, you have a husband problem.”
“One, your husband failed to set appropriate expectations for his father’s family coming to your house when you have 3 toddlers and hosting a huge party.”
“At a MINIMUM I would expect the ‘cost’ of staying with you would be to help out with party set-up and breakdown, or helping with childcare.”
“There were (at a minimum) two extra sets of adult hands that could help support such a big undertaking (not sure how old your siblings-in-law are, but I would expect that if they are pre-teen and up they could help too).”
“If they didn’t want to help out in any way and just be ‘regular’ guests, they should not be getting to stay for free and treat your own home like a hotel.”
“Then not only did your in-laws not help, they actively criticized you and created it sounds like MORE work because the young kids weren’t supervised.”
“Again, if it was ‘too loud’ for the baby, your MIL could have taken the baby OUTSIDE or gone to the park or something.”
“The idea that the in-laws literally sat around post party NOT HELPING CLEAN or asking if they could help you is insulting to a level I would question my desire to ever speak to them again.”
“Your husband not backing you up, let alone that he let his own family sit around and not help out, is beyond unacceptable.”
“You were right to lay down the law and protect your peace, but I would seriously consider couple’s counseling because I suspect your husband is a pushover with his family in more ways than just this episode.” ~ Independent-Length54
“Exactly, i would love to know what he says about the names they were calling her behind her back.”
“OP should point out if he lets them stay she will go to a hotel. she will not clean up after them and he is 100% responsible for dealing with them and his kids.”
“If he lets his family bad his wife in their home then he is not much of a husband.” ~ GapApprehensive3184
“Came here to say exactly this — you have a husband problem.”
“Of course you’re NTA, but where the heck is your husband in all this?”
“He’s fine to make 3 babies in 3 years time!”
“But where is he when it comes to doing the day-to-day things?”
“Why isn’t HE moving the heavy tables around?”
“Why is HE not keeping HIS (obnoxious) family in check?”
“It’s pretty obscene to me that the in-laws not only didn’t help, they had the audacity to treat OP like RUBBISH!”
“Where is the husband to tell them to shut it or get out!?”
“And he has the nerve to say YOU’RE ‘too harsh!?'”
“Ooooh, in my opinion, not harsh enough!” ~ tangerinedreamery
“NTA- If they want free accommodations, they should do something to earn their keep.”
“Being directly in the way and complaining about everything that is happening would get MY family kicked out of my house.”
“I especially wouldn’t put up with someone badmouthing me behind my back.” ~ lostalldoubt86
“NTA. This isn’t about housecleaning standards, but rather civility.”
“It doesn’t matter if they wash up directly after a party, or do it a few hours later, in their own home.”
“This was your event.”
“They repeatedly disparaged you in your own home, while you worked so hard as a hostess.”
“This violated guesting etiquette, and basic manners.”
“It is disappointing that your husband has sided against you instead of serving as your shield, which is his job.”
“He should have had a firm word with his own family, the moment they began disrespecting you.”
“In closing, if you don’t clean up after 100 guests, right away, your three little children would probably go around putting other people’s utensils in their mouths.”
“Gross. Of course you clean up before loosing 3 under threes.” ~ Shdfx1
“NTA. Folks who can’t follow the rules when they are a guest in someone else’s house are immature as hell.”
“Why isn’t the husband speaking with them about their behavior?”
“Given their snarky comments it seems like he needs to be the one to let them know they are no longer welcome to stay over and why that is.” ~ rues_hoodie666
What do you mean your FiL ‘decided’ to stay?”
“Was he invited or did he just decide?”
“NTA. Either way it’s your home as well, so unless YOU BOTH agree it’s ok to have someone stay with you, then it needs to be agreed between you and your Husband first, regardless of who it is.” ~ OnlymyOP
“NTA. Your husband needs to lay down the law with his family.”
“No bad-mouthing you or your family. Period.” ~ GreekAmericanDom
“NTA but why are you throwing a party with almost 100 people for a three year old?”
“Your husband seems to need a lesson on partnership.” ~ mare__bare
OP returned…
“Update #1 to answer some questions…”
“Yes, my husband did help with some setup.”
“He also helped with taking down all of the rental items and getting them situated for pick up.”
“He didn’t get as much done as he could have as he would stop and talk with his family and have to be directed back to party setup/takedown, but he wasn’t just sitting with them.”
“A neighbor saw me struggling with setup.”
“They came over to help.”
“They overheard my FIL/BIL/SIL/FIL’s wife talking about me which is how I found out.”
“Afterwards when my family was cleaning up, they overheard the comments as they were going around the house.”
“Yes, 100 people is a lot lol.”
“Between both sides of immediate families, that was about 30 (both sides divorced with new partners and some additional children with their own children).”
“Then with extended family (we get together for almost all the holidays and regularly for visits), it was another almost 40.”
“There were only about 25 people not related to us, 7 kids from daycare and their families.”
“It seemed easier to do it all at once rather than have a family birthday with ~70 and a friend birthday with ~30/having to be responsible for eight 2-3 year olds at a separate friend party.”
“Yes, both sets of in-laws are like this all the time.”
“They both live in different parts of the country, so when we go to visit we stay at hotels.”
“They’ve offered to let us stay with them, and before we had kids we would, but their homes would be so dirty that it was hard to enjoy ourselves.”
“Think unwashed sheets on the guest bed, plates/cups that are rinsed but not washed after use, expired food being served, etc.”
“It’s not a suitable environment for children to stay in.”
“Still, when we visit for events I am always the one helping with cleaning/cooking/etc. for the ‘parties’ they’re hosting in their own homes.”
“Part of this is to make sure I have clean things to eat off of and safe food to eat, but partially because I have been raised to be helpful!”
“I wasn’t necessarily surprised by their lack of help, but the rude comments caught me off guard!”
“My husband and I have a date night coming up this weekend and I plan to address this more then.”
“I might not necessarily tell him that I brought it to the internet for debate, but there have been many helpful suggestions that I will use!”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You don’t have to tolerate this sort of abuse, especially in your own home.
It’s great that you’re going to address this further with your husband.
This is the type of thing that can ruin relationships.
Good luck.