Whether or not you want to get married, you probably have at least a few opinions about what a beautiful wedding would look like and what should be included in a “successful” wedding.
Some people hold such strong opinions about what should be included in a wedding, it can hurt their relationships, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor No-Cauliflower-6934 was concerned as he watched his wife argue with their daughter about what her perfect wedding should look like. With his wife wanting a flowery, “girly” wedding and his daughter wanting a black and “goth” wedding, it was hard to imagine them finding a compromise.
When his wife valued her vision more than her daughter’s happiness, the Original Poster (OP) was not surprised when his daughter decided to elope instead.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my wife to stop crying about missing out on our daughter’s wedding?”
The OP loved all of his children, including his “non-traditional” daughter, Lynn.
“My wife (53 Female) and I (55 Male) have three children, Brett (27 Male), Amy (25 Female), and Lynn (24 Female).”
“Now let me say, I love all my children in their own way. But no child has ever given me a headache like Lynn. She’s our wild child.”
“She got a college degree at 16, began working and saving up, moved to Louisiana once she turned 18, got more college degrees, and lives a pretty nice life.”
“I’m proud of her, of course but she has always been our wildly independent, argumentative, intelligent little girl.”
“She’s the more social one, too. She’s covered in tattoos and piercings and always has funky hair. I’m proud of her, I love her, but she’s always been our non-traditional child.”
The OP also had a great relationship with Lynn’s then-boyfriend, Brad.
“Lynn met her (now) husband, Brad (27 Male), when she first moved to Louisiana.”
“Brad is like Lynn, tattoos and piercings up the wazoo. Non-traditional.”
“He’s a good kid, I like him. He protected Lynn and has been by her side for a lot of things. I actually love that kid for protecting my baby girl.”
The OP’s wife wanted them to have a wedding, even though the couple didn’t want one.
“Lynn will be the first child of ours to be married so when we heard the news about their engagement, my wife was super excited.”
“She started talking about wedding planning and all that girl stuff.”
“Lynn and Brad were both upfront about not wanting a wedding and just wanting a small party with mainly family and some friends as a celebratory thing.”
“My wife was very upset and pushed Lynn until she reluctantly agreed to plan a wedding.”
But the two women could not agree about the wedding’s vision.
“My wife wanted Lynn to have this overly girly wedding that Lynn just didn’t want.”
“Lynn was leaning more towards a gothy theme for the wedding and my wife wanted a more traditional Christian wedding, which was weird from the beginning, because Lynn has always been open about her style and religious standpoint.”
“I just want my wife to accept Lynn.”
“Not even a week into wedding planning, Lynn and my wife had a spat about floral arrangements, which led to Lynn flying back home to Louisiana.”
Lynn then took matters into her own hands.
“Lynn announced they had eloped and would be planning a small intimate get-together in New Orleans around Halloween time.”
“My wife lost it. She and Lynn got into a huge argument over the phone, which led to them not speaking.”
“My wife cries every time this situation is brought up, saying she missed out on her little girl’s special day.”
The OP finally had to speak up about his wife’s behavior.
“After a few weeks of this nonsense, I finally snapped and said, ‘Why are you surprised? Lynn didn’t want a wedding in the first place! She’s our least traditional child! I’m just glad we at least got the engagement announcement. Stop crying about it and wait till Brett or Amy get married ’cause they are the ones that will actually enjoy that wedding s**t.'”
“My wife called me a few names and has been avoiding me.”
“I really don’t mean to be an a**hole, but Lynn is the last child I’d expect to want a big grand wedding.”
“I mean, for f**k’s sake, she’s a nurse that does hair on the side who is also a practicing witch. That child makes no sense! I’d more expect Brett to want the big wedding when he and his boyfriend eventually get engaged. It also just felt wrong she tried forcing it on Lynn.”
“Lay the brutal honesty on me. Do I roll over and apologize or continue to stick up for Lynn over this mess?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some theorized that the OP’s wife was the reason the OP’s daughter eloped in the first place.
“Does your wife realize she was probably the reason your daughter eloped?”
“If she had just let Lynn do whatever kind of wedding she wanted, I’m sure out of the small guest list, you both would have been invited. NTA.” – Kaablooie42
“NTA. She didn’t want the wedding. And when she agreed to a small wedding, your wife tried to bulldoze her into one.”
“Tell if she keeps up this bull, Lynn will end up with no contact because your wife forgot how to be an adult. Remind her the marriage isn’t about her. It should be about your daughter’s happiness and also your relationship with her daughter and new husband.” – RevolutionaryCow7961
“Lynn was literally kind and considerate enough when she didn’t have to be at all in the first place, to even entertain the idea of a wedding and start to look at ideas. OP’s wife completely disrespected Lynn’s kindness and hijacked it so basically…”
“Wife didn’t even want it to be Lynns’ wedding, wife wanted it to be HER wedding. Ugh. Gross.”
“So glad Lynn and Brad both respect themselves enough to have put their foot down and done what THEY WANTED. Hope they both have a fantastic celebration in New Orleans and a happy life together! They’re clearly already a headstrong, united-front couple.”
“P.S. OP, please let Lynn know you’re proud of her and respect her choices, if you haven’t already!” – meiuimei_
“Your wife sounds like my mom, and I haven’t spoken to her in five years. Similar situation, though the wedding wasn’t ultimately the reason I went no contact. Just letting you know that if she keeps up being this selfish, it’s a very real possibility that your daughter may cut her off for good.” – AuggieKT
“Your wife made it clear that she wasn’t planning Lynn’s wedding, she was planning a wedding for the daughter she wished she had.”
“Your wife basically told Lynn that she does not love and accept her for the person that she is. And that’s the reason why Lynn eloped. People wanna share their happiest moments with the people who love us the most, and that does not include your wife.”
“Your wife needs to learn how to love the daughter she HAS instead of mourning or forcing, the daughter she wanted.” – Legolinza
Others agreed and were certain that the flowers were not the real problem.
“It was NOT about the flowers.” – CherryDarling10
“The fact that Lynn canceled not only your wife’s wedding plans but also her ORIGINAL wedding plans really speaks to just how far your wife was pushing things. I get the feeling that the flowers were barely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the ways your wife massively overstepped.”
“Totally NTA. And you may need to get your wife into counseling to curtail her need to control her children’s lives.” – digitydigitydoo
“NTA. Your wife missed her daughter’s wedding because she was acting like she was planning her own wedding.”
“Whatever type of flowers your wife wanted is irrelevant because she is neither the bride or groom.” – TarzanKitty
“It is sad your wife wanted to shove the starburst shape that Lynn represents into a square hole. All that happened is Lynn got confirmation from your wife that she will never fully accept Lynn the person she is.”
“If you want to, maybe apologize ONLY for losing your temper and yelling but not for what you said. Talk it out. She made Lynn’s engagement about herself not about celebrating the love between Lynn and her husband.”
“By constantly trying to change Lynn all she is doing is pushing her away. Ask her why it was more important for her to have what she wanted then letting Lynn have what she wanted? NTA; something needed to be said.”
“Then send your daughter and her husband a wedding present. Something super gothy and fun.” – bored-panda555
“‘I just want my wife to accept Lynn.’ That makes me ache for Lynn.”
“If your wife has always been this way with Lynn, that may be why she did all she could to get away. That’s painful for Lynn, to probably know her mom doesn’t accept her as she is.”
“If I were you, I would send Lynn a Congratulations/Halloween card/gift, something you know she’ll like because you ‘get her,’ possibly just from you, so she knows that you love her and accept her as she is.”
“It’ll be like a long-distance hug. Write her a note if that’s your thing. (My Dad doesn’t write. He says he never knows what to write.)” – ASweetTweetRose
The subReddit was grateful that Lynn and Brad had done what was best for them and that they would do a simple get-together when they were ready.
They also completely agreed with the OP that it wasn’t surprising that Lynn had stepped away after being pushed by her mother, first to have a wedding at all, let alone in a style that did not speak to her personality at all.
If you want your child to have a wedding, let it be a celebration of them, not of what you want.