If there’s one thing all divorced parents agree on, it’s that the happiness and well-being of their children must remain their absolute top priority.
Which sometimes means that they will need to remain in communication and work together.
In some instances, however, one parent must give the other space.
Redditor Open_Specific6008 shared custody of a 12-year-old son with her ex-husband.
The original poster (OP) also went to great lengths to ensure that her son was cared for.
The OP’s ex-husband learned of his ex-wife’s admirable efforts to provide for their son in the future and asked if he could contribute to it.
A request the OP flatly refused.
After her ex-husband called her a “jerk” for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA For ‘hiding’ my child’s savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute?”
The OP explained why they felt the need to exclude her ex-husband from a matter concerning their son:
“My ex and I divorced 8 years ago.”
“We have a 12 year old son together.”
“We don’t discuss finances other than child support.”
“I don’t care for any money he may or may not give to our child directly.”
“Years ago I opened a savings account for my kid.”
“I religiously transfer a set amount + child benefit into it every single month.”
“I also put some ‘loose change’ in there whenever I can.”
“My kid knows of this account and gets to decide if any monetary gifts from family and friends are to be spent immediately or added to his growing savings.”
“He doesn’t keep tabs on the account, but has a rough idea of how much he ‘gets’ every month and how much he’s got already.”
“My son must’ve told my ex about the account, because my ex approached me about it.”
“He asked to see the account- I refused.”
“He asked to at least know the exact amount (he has a rough idea)- I refused, I don’t see the point.
He asked to contribute and become a ‘co-owner’ (as in- the account is to be ‘from mum and dad’).”
“I asked if he’d like to make a big initial payment- he doesn’t, as he doesn’t have ‘that kind of money to just throw into an account nobody can access for years’ he just wants to join in now and throw in some cash here and there, but the amount that’s already in there is to be overlooked.”
“I refused.”
“He told me that I can only afford that thanks to his child support contributions.”
“I told him that the child support is his duty and is spent on our son’s current needs, not for him to hold it over my head.”
“He called me a jerk for not telling him about the account when I first opened it because now he’s ‘8 years behind’ and won’t be able to match it and it will look bad when my kid grows up and only gets my support.”
“I told him that it’s up to him whether or not he invests in our child’s future, he still has a long time to save something if he so wishes.”
“He told me I was a jerk for purposefully making him look like a ‘bad dad’ for not having thought of something like this.”
“I don’t think it’s fair of him to ask to jump in and claim to have contributed to the savings I’ve worked hard on for years, but now I wonder if I actually acted like an AH for creating a situation in which I look like the ‘better’ & ‘more caring’ parent?”
“Should I have told him about it when I first opened the account?”
“Should I just let him contribute to keep the peace?”
“The money is going to end up in my son’s account anyway, no matter if he receives payments from 2 savings accounts or just one.”
“It’s an ISA nobody can withdraw money from until my child’s 18th birthday (though I’m not sure he knows that), so I’m not too worried about any potential theft.”
“It’s more of a powerplay issue.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to share their son’s savings account with her ex-husband.
Everyone agreed that the OP was only thinking of and providing for her son, something her ex-husband clearly had not been doing and merely wanted to take credit for her work:
“This isn’t about you being financially responsible, and saving for your son’s future.”
“This is about your ex’s ego, and control, and inventing this drama to lay (yet another?) guilt trip on you, while making it all about him and this ‘lost opportunity to show his benevolence’.”
“If he really wanted to save for your son’s future, he had 8 years to do it.”
“That’s entirely on him.”
“I can see why he is your ex.”
“Your son is only 12.”
‘There is a whole lot of time for your ex to open his own savings account, contribute as he wants, then give that to your son when he comes of age.”
“All by himself.”
“Like an adult.”
“Guess WTA is here.”
“Not you.”
“NTA.”- 4th_chakra
“NTA.”
“You’ve done nothing wrong, in fact I think his reaction to this realization that the account exists is all the proof you need to know it would have been bad for him to be involved from the beginning.”
“If he can contribute to it, he can withdraw from it too, I believe.”
“Minimally it would introduce questions around who really provided that AND it would give him some more say in how it is spent.”
“Keep firm boundaries.”
“He is in NO WAY disadvantaged here.”
“He can start his own savings account for the kid, either large or small.”
“It is absurdly unreasonable for him to expect you to ‘share’ it with him now.”
“It’s also a common but faulty critique for people who pay child support to act like everything the recipient can do financially is ‘because’ of that contribution.”
“Pay no mind.”- owls_and_cardinals
“NTA.”
“Also some possible red flags in the fact that he doesn’t just want to contribute to the savings but wants to be the co-owner and know how much money is in there.”
“It comes to mind for me to make sure this money is protected for your child and cannot be accessed by anyone else.”- Arc-en-ciel-x2
“NTA.”
“Is he banned from banks or something?”
“If it’s so important to him to contribute money, then why didn’t he open an account years ago?”-hubertburnette
“NTA.”
“There is no reason for him to be on that account.”
“If he is adult enough to make a child, he is adult enough to know that he could have made an account for his child at anytime.”
“He can do so now or he can give you money to put in the account for his child.”- Worth-Season3645
“NTA.”
“Dude wants to steal ‘cachet’ from you by acting like he contributed 1/2 of the account over the years when in reality he plans to put $20 in there once or twice a year for the next 10 years.”
“That’s why he wanted to know how much is in there and wants to be a 50% owner of the account.”
“So he can brag about how awesome of a dad he is without actually having to do any work.”- Oh-its-Tuesday
“NTA and do not put him on the account or give him any way to access the money there, that is just asking for it to be stolen.”
“He cares so much about the kid, he can open a separate account and put any money for him there.”- FantasticCabinet2623
“NTA.”
“He could’ve opened an account for your son at any time, you weren’t stopping him.”
“He can open a separate one right now if he wants.”- DaisyBryar
“NTA.”
“‘He told me I was a jerk for purposefully making him look like a “bad dad” for not having thought of something like this’.”
“A) your ex had nothing to do with this account so it’s impossible for this to be true.”
“B) Your ex just showed you that his child is not a priority in his life because he’s ‘not thinking about something like this’ 100% on your ex.”
“C) your ex is just pissed because you are being a better parent to your child than he is.”
“Don’t give your ex access, let him contribute his own money into his own account.”
“If he comes back with ‘you did this to make me look bad’ you can tell him ‘your own actions make you look bad, not me and quit projecting’.”- slap-a-frap
One hopes that the OP’s ex-husband wanted to become co-owner of the savings account simply to help his child. However, it seems that he wanted credit more than anything else.
Credit for work that his ex-wife entirely did by herself.
Even so, it’s not too late for the OP’s ex-husband to get the ball rolling and start saving for his son’s future.
And this way, when his son thanks him for all he’s done, he’ll know it was work he genuinely accomplished, not merely taking credit for the work of others.