It does not need to be stated that raising a child, especially a newborn, is an exhausting and all-consuming endeavor.
Sometimes the task becomes even more daunting when both parents have responsibilities outside of the home.
And sometimes one parent feels that they are pulling more weight than the other.
In those cases, one might have an in-depth conversation with their significant other to come to an agreement on how duties could be fairly distributed and executed.
In one special case though, a new mother hired a housekeeper and canceled all streaming services to offset the balance after her husband failed to help around the house, so she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor kkokay5505 asked:
“AITAH for cancelling all of our streaming services to hire a housekeeper without asking my husband first?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (28/f[emale]) and my husband (30/m[ale]) just welcomed our first baby almost 3 months ago.”
“Understandably it has been a huge adjustment for both of us.”
“She’s still not sleeping through the night and we’re both back to work full time.”
“We have always split the household responsibilities 50/50.”
“We just help where needed and it’s always worked out well.”
“Lately, my husband has been doing the chores terribly and I’ve had to come behind him to fix things or clean them again.”
“For example, he cleaned the bottles the other night and they were cleaned so poorly I had to do them again.”
“He dropped pump parts down the disposal and then ran it ruining them.”
“There have been several clothes that he didn’t clean after a blowout that are now ruined.”
“There are many more instances like this.”
“I’ve confronted him a few times letting him know we all make mistakes and I know we’re both tired but it feels like he’s not even trying to do things well.”
“He just keeps saying he’s so tired and is having a hard time working and taking care of the house and baby.”
“I do sympathize with this as I’m also working, pumping, recovering, and taking care of the house and baby.”
“The final straw for me was when he told me to go to sleep and he’d put up the milk I’d just pumped and finish the dishes.”
“I was so grateful until I got up and realized the milk had been sitting on the counter and at this point was no good anymore.”
“He said he was sorry and he put on a show to relax for a bit before doing the dishes and fell asleep.”
“The next day I decided to cancel all of our streaming services, PlayStation plus, and our theme park passes in order to hire a housekeeper.”
“I figured if he’s too tired to do basic household chores than a housekeeper is necessary.”
“If he’s too tired to put milk up, then he’s too tired to play video games or for us to go to a theme park.”
“We still have cable and the PlayStation games and can do other activities outside of the local theme park.”
“He blew up at me and said I had no right doing that and was furious.”
“I thought I was doing us a favor so we can get more sleep and not worry as much about household tasks.”
“So AITAH for hiring a housekeeper without asking?”
OP offered clarification after reading several comments.
“I have been communicating NONSTOP about my needs and my expectations.”
“I’ve let a lot of mistakes slide because I know this is hard for both of us, but when it became a daily thing, I let him know if he’s unable to do his part, then I need additional help.”
“I mentioned hiring some help, and he laughed and said, ‘what a ridiculous waste of money.'”
“I knew if I asked again, the answer would be no, so I made the decision for both of us.”
“Also, I didn’t throw away the TV or PlayStation.”
“I just canceled our subscriptions for them.”
“We were paying around $100 between the two.”
“Our internet includes a handful of cable channels and peacock, and we have plenty of PlayStation games that we can still play.”
“We both play video games and watch TV.”
“I probably watch more on steaming, so cancelling them affects both of us.”
“Housekeeping is $300 a month, and everything I canceled, including Disney passes, is about $230, so it won’t be as much of a financial burden.”
“Plus it will save more money as well since I won’t have to replace destroyed pump parts, clothes, and breast milk.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided everyone sucks in this situation (ESH).
“ESH – You say you did this as a favor, but you know it was in retaliation because you were frustrated.”
“And you have every right to be frustrated, to be clear.”
“But this was an impulsive decision based on frustration as a way to punish him, not as a favor.”
“Don’t pretend otherwise. You were mad, so you lashed back.”
“It happens.”
“He is 100% a bigger AH here.”
“He can’t use his tiredness as an excuse when you are doing what he’s doing and more, with a body that just went through pregnancy and labor.”
“I do understand he’s tired and stressed, and I’m sure he is trying, but clearly, it’s to the point where he needs to step up more.”
“Hiring a housekeeper if he isn’t willing to put in the effort to do so is a good idea, but it needed to be a conversation first.”
“Because yes, he was in the wrong, but that doesn’t mean you make a unilateral decision for a major expense like this, which is also letting a new person into the home and around your (plural your) baby.”
“That’s something that should’ve taken you both more time to research and agree on.”
“He is the main AH here; I can’t imagine how frustrating it was to see that he let the milk spoil, especially; that is maddening.”
“So I definitely don’t blame you for being frustrated, and I can understand how it led to you retaliating in this way.”
“Getting sick of relying on someone unreliable is more than understandable.”
“This decision definitely still needed to be a conversation, as not doing so is not constructive to the relationship.”
“Making rash and retaliatory decisions is never good for your relationship and will just put a bigger strain on everyone.” – CrimsonKnight_004
“ESH. You for even trying a ‘what, me? I was doing us a favor’ act for something so obviously passive-aggressive.”
“And him for what looks like a campaign of intentional incompetence.”
“You’re both sleep-deprived and overworked, but you have a kid who needs Mom and Dad to be on the same page.”
“Start an open, mutually respectful, and collaborative discussion there.”
“You both need to commit to fixing this.” – Cjack66
“ESH. I’ve been there.”
“But your way of handling it didn’t help the issue and is massively based on retaliation.”
“It’s the two of you versus the problem, not you vs him.”
“You need each other right now.”
“Act like partners.” – charlieprotag
“ESH . As a parent, I have absolutely wept over unusable breastmilk, so I completely understand your outrage at his negligence.”
“However, you both are parents now.”
“This means the time for this petty tit-for-tat stuff is over, and you both have to be on the same page.”
“You should have had a constructive conversation with him before canceling the subscriptions.” – StrawberryFrapp
“I understand where you’re coming from.”
“But instead of just canceling everything without talking to him, you could have sat him down and said, we need to cut expenses so we can afford a housekeeper.”
“The fact that you did it without talking to him first makes it seem like you were doing it to punish him because you were angry.”
“And you have every right to be angry. But you need to learn to deal with that anger in a more productive manner.”
“ESH.” – WoollyMonster
“ESH. I get your frustration. I really do.”
“My little one turned 1 literally this week. Been a hell of a journey.”
“The first few months were hell. We were both exhausted.”
“Cleaning definitely got a little half a**ed for a minute.”
“But, we pulled through. TOGETHER.”
“I know, right now, it feels like you’re picking up all the slack.”
“But, your solution went too far.”
“Canceling all your subscriptions in anger was not the way.”
“Caring for a newborn is truly the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done.”
“There were days I felt like I was brain dead from lack of sleep.”
“It gets better, though. With time and patience.”
“Ours started sleeping in his own crib, all the way through the night at 4mo.”
“Let me tell you. As soon as the child started sleeping, all of a sudden, things started getting done around the house again.”
“You two need to be on the same page.”
“Apologize to your husband.”
“Perhaps this could be a blessing in disguise; now you have an opportunity to go over your list of subs and decide which ones you were actually using and which ones were just simply taking your money.” – R4eth
“ESH. You didnt think you were doing him a favor.”
“You were being petty, which wouldn’t necessarily make you as big an AH as him.”
“You lying to Reddit to get them on your side here does, however, and it wasn’t even necessary.” – SteelLt78
While OP found some sympathy in the thread, she did not get a full pass.
Hopefully, she will read through some comments and find a way to have a heart-to-heart with her husband so they can figure out a solution before tensions rise even higher.