When two parents decide to break up, most say that they will do everything they can to amicably co-parent and to make the transition as easy for their children as possible.
But some people really struggle to remain civil once everything’s “official,” cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Fit_Leg_2037 was legally required to communicate with her ex-husband about important updates for their children, and she did so over a text message.
When he kept demanding that she include his future wife, who liked to commandeer the conversations and make decisions on behalf of their children, the Original Poster (OP) felt uncomfortable.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for disregarding my ex-husband ‘requesting’ that I message in a group text with his fiancée?”
The OP received a request from her ex-husband to be more inclusive of his partner.
“I (38 Female) have been divorced for 12 years, and my kids with my first husband (38 Male) are 15 and 17.”
“We have very minimal contact. I really try to text only when necessary, like when the kids have something important going on at school or, god forbid, an injury.”
“Recently, I sent a courtesy text to my ex-husband about a small purchase for a necessity for my oldest so that his dad doesn’t buy it, too.”
“His follow-up text was, ‘Hey, I just want it to be known that I want my fiancée included on the messages. Whatever you text, she knows anyways. No point leaving her out. If you leave your husband out, that’s not my business.'”
“He continued, ‘Whether you like it or not, she is just as much a part of their lives as mine. So in the future, please include her. I’m not trying to start anything. I feel like it’s a respectful thing to include her. My fiancée is my other half and we make decisions together. Thanks.'”
The OP had reservations about her ex-husband’s request because of their past history.
“I didn’t know what to say, because to be honest, I do not want to message both of them.”
“In the past when I did in an effort to get along with her and include her, any time there was a disagreement, it became a two-versus-one argument, and they start what I would call verbally abusive communication.”
“If she would allow my ex and I to have these discussions without getting involved, I really wouldn’t care too much about her being included in the chats. But she feels emboldened to share her perspective and entitled to argue with ME.”
“I’m not saying I’m always right. It just gets so convoluted to discuss disagreements with her.”
The new partner also made it very difficult for the OP and her ex to hold a conversation.
“There’s also the issue of who I’m speaking to. In the group messages we’ve tried, he quits participating. She takes all control.”
“Sometimes it’s really important that I speak to him, especially when it’s something I have to notify him about because of our court order, like when they have a medical appointment or get in trouble.”
“In those situations, I have to message him personally so that I know that he received it, and I have to receive a response from him and record it, or it doesn’t count.”
“Sometimes I call him, because I don’t trust that the messages from his phone are always written by him, either.”
The OP was also aware that her ex would not extend her current husband the same courtesy.
“We’ve also tried in the past having my husband in the chat group or even having my husband text instead of me, and my ex-husband and his fiancée do NOT like it.”
“They start throwing insults at him (remember I mentioned the verbal abuse before?). My husband actually does better than me with just ignoring them, because their insults don’t get to him the same way they do me.”
“But they refuse to continue discussing any subjects when he is involved in the group in any configuration, even if he’s not participating. They end up texting me or in a group chat that exclusively includes me, my ex, and his fiancée.”
The OP’s ex-husband did not take her response well.
“After reading his text message, I told him no.”
“My ex said that I was being childish, ridiculous, and a whole slew of other names, simply because I said no. He is relentless in this request, or demand, really.”
“AITAH because I do not want to message both of them?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some theorized that the OP’s ex-husband wanted to offload the responsibility to his fiancée.
“The dude is trying to make his ex-wife communicate with his new one so he doesn’t have to be an adult.”
“What’s the bet she got mad at him for not letting her know what was going on with the kids? So he thinks that making OP do his job will fix his relationship.” – Natural_Garbage7674
“I think the OP is right to wonder when she’s talking to the ex-husband and when she’s talking to his new girlfriend. I’ll bet she’s the one who wrote that text…” – Available-Fail-8090
“Add the fiancée on a new group chat with the three of you in that one ONLY, just to make sure she has all the info, because that’s clearly the real issue here, him doing a terrible job of playing telephone and her struggling to put the pieces together, lol (laughing out loud).” – pamplemousse2
“You know he’s only saying that because he’s dumping it all on the fiancée which I am pretty sure is why he’s divorced from OP.” – Low-Act8667
“Yeah, what’s the betting he got in trouble with his fiancée because she’s the one parenting the kids and the one who actually needs that information and he failed to pass it on? I personally think that’s more likely than the cheating theory.” – tomtink1
“I am actually a stepmom myself and I was never really in the group chats. My husband would just tell to me what I missed. If he forgot, that was on him, and he had to deal with me.”
“If I happened to be in the group chat, I never replied. I made sure my husband did. Also, her husband never was on the group chats, either. We weren’t the ones co-parenting.” – Visual_Pin5626
Sensing trouble, others encouraged the OP to use a third-party app going forward.
“That’s when you respond with the parenting app link and say that you only feel comfortable communicating through there so it can be monitored for inappropriate behavior by all parties.” – Quick-Store2989
“Tell him, ‘Moving forward, I’m going to require that we communicate exclusively on a court-accepted parenting app. I will not communicate with you in any other way, for the safety and protection of all parties.'”
“Now if I really wanted to start something, I might also say that I have no interest in communicating with his current or any future partners he might have.” – Mirabai503
“I am seeing more and more reasons for one of those co-parenting apps that the court can see. I don’t know how the courts react if he is abusive towards you in one of those, but it may come back to bite him.” – Top_Sheepherder_6041
“It kind of sounds like your ex is still bitter that you left him and his current fiancée is very aware of it. And both of them are jealous for different reasons. You’re unfortunately stuck with the childishness of people who really should be leaving you out of their own personal problems.”
“If this has been going on for years though, I don’t understand why you haven’t gone the legal route and established communication through a parenting app. Life’s too short to be putting up with bullying and control tactics like that from them for years.”
“NTA.” – BeanEireannach
“OP, include in your response that you will only be using a parenting app that saves every message in case it needs to be used in custody or safety disputes. That may reduce some abusive language.” – SewNewKnitsToo
Some also gave the OP advice on how to respond to her ex-husband’s demands.
“I’m petty: ‘I’ll include her in the texts when you add her to our custody agreement. Until then, per our legal paperwork, I will only be communicating with you.'” – Ok-Recognition9876
“NTA. ‘I will message you as required about our children. What you do with those messages, if you share them with your fiance (or not), is not my concern.'”
“‘I intend no disrespect, but how you handle your relationship is on you, not on me. And, to be clear, you don’t get to tell me what to do, so stop trying.'” – Lumpy_Marsupial_1559
“All of your responses here just prove that your ex is having issues with his fiancée that he has tasked you with handling. Hard no. Continue to communicate only with him.”
“He is the only person with whom you are required to discuss anything having to do with your children. He and his GF aren’t even married. And by the sound of it, they may never be.”
“Stay out of their s**t. Legally, he can’t force you to do anything here. You are doing what is required.” – BecGeoMom
“According to the custody agreement, only the parents are communicating about the needs of their children.”
“I don’t have to deal with anyone else, I don’t have to include in my messages to you your neighbors, friends, your parents, or your fiancee.”
“If your fiancee doesn’t trust you and has the need to be included, just forward her all messages but don’t expect me to do it for you.” – Dubbiely
“Honestly, I would say, ‘John, when it comes to communication about our children, my only obligation is with you. How you choose to relay that information to your wife is on you. You have two choices: we continue to communicate with each other via text or we move our communications to one of the court recommended apps.'”
“‘Let me know if you want to use the app and which one by next Friday so I can download it. If I don’t hear from you by then, I will assume you want to keep the status quo.'” – VonShtupp
The subReddit could understand why the OP was stressed about her ex-husband’s demands and did their best to offer options that would improve the OP’s situation, whether it was maintaining her current boundaries or involving a third-party educational platform that would help keep everyone in check.
It seemed as long as the OP was relaying important messages, there shouldn’t be a problem, but sometimes other people want to pick a fight and show dominance, and it seemed two out of three people in this conversation felt that way.