A parent raising twin babies can delight in the playful nature of the situation, but it doesn’t mean raising them is not always without a unique set of challenges.
The mother of identical twin baby daughters who is aiming to raise her girls to respect their individualities was recently challenged by her mom.
When an upcoming event became the topic of tension between the two, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor Admirable_Slide_8865 asked:
“AITA for refusing to dress my twins identically for the family picture?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m the Mother of 1 year old identical twin girls, I have never liked the idea of dressing them identically because while they are twins they aren’t the same child, so whenever i’m given matching outfits I mix and match them to make them look different or rotate who wears what.”
“I’ve always felt it’s important they be allowed their own sense of self and not have ‘Twin’ pushed on the as a major part of their identity.”
“Family pictures are coming up soon for my Great-Grandmothers 80th Birthday, we want to commemorate this with pictures and my Mother has booked professional photographs for this.”
“The dress code is formal, i’ve bought one daughter a sparkly purple dress she is like a little magpie anything sparkly and she is all over it, my other daughter i’ve bought a green dress with flowers on it as she loves flowers. I plan to do one daughters hair in pigtails and the other will have a hairband.”
The OP continued:
“My Mother called me and asked me to dress them alike as it will look cute for the picture, I told her she knows how I feel about that and that we won’t be doing that, I told her i’d even bought dresses already.”
“She offered to buy them new matching dresses but I refused. She told me I was being ridiculous and it was only one picture and wouldn’t kill them, when I asked if she’d bought my brothers daughters who are 11 and 7 matching dresses she said no, why would she do that which led to me asking her why my children should dress alike then which of course the answer was them being identical twins.”
“This led to a rather heated conversation and I told my Mother that they are my daughters and it’s my call, all she needs to be concerned about is them being presentable and matching the dress code.”
“She told me I am being selfish here and it won’t matter, pointing out how lots of twins like to dress alike. I told her that if they wished to dress alike one day i’d not stop them but till then this is what I was doing.”
Another family member joined the conversation, adding more pressure to the situation.
“My brother has since called me and asked me to just do it, that our Mother is stressed out and how I can change the girls out of it after the picture and that it’s only a picture and it’d keep the peace.”
“I know it’s only a picture but it just sits wrong with me, is it really a**holeish of me to not bend on this?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA – The kids are yours and ultimately their clothing choices are yours. If your Mom wants a photo shoot, she has to negotiate with you regarding how the kids are dressed. You have laid out your limits, and she can either agree or not have photos of the kids done. Those are her options.”
“I’m glad you are not really indulging the twin thing. There have been some really sad and troubling posts here about families that went way too far on it.” – DisgruntleFairy
“I worked in the community for years, specifically a retirement home comes to mind — identical twins. Lived in the community together, dressed the same, same hair, same walker, everything. It honestly made me uncomfortable. They never got married because ….. they had each other. It was honestly really sad to me, though I’m sure they were happy or at least thought they were.”
“Also worked in a daycare that, no joke, had six sets of multiple (four twins, two triplets) two of the twin sets were identical. One set always dressed alike. The older set, who had different interests did not.”
“We knew which twin was ours of the older set by his behavior though. Because even at three they tried to switch places on us more than once.”
“All that to say, they ARE individuals. I love that OP realizes that. Not all twin parents do.”
“NTA OP.” – Safe_Initiative1340
“NTA. Does your mom not see the irony of calling you selfish. You’re not the one demanding you get your way for her precious picture. And doing something your against to ‘keep the peace’ is complete b.s.”
“They’re your children, so what you say goes. They’re two different individuals, who happen to be identical twins. If she wants you and your children in the picture, she needs to drop this.” – Vandreeson
“NTA and thank you! As a twin myself, I can say that finding a sense of individual identity is so important, and I really struggled with adults making myself and my sister feel interchangeable.”
“It was really difficult on days that we were dressed in matching clothes. Sometimes my mom gave us matching clothes in different colors, which was an okay compromise—but we always preferred different outfits entirely. Thanks for supporting your daughters!” – Agatha-Christie12
“Good on you for treating them as two separate individuals who happen to share a birthday. Your mother’s views on twins is what causes problems, where they’re seen as two parts of the same unit instead of their own people.”
“Your brother doing the whole don’t rock the boat spiel shows he’s more interested in appeasing your mother than respecting your parenting. If you capitulate over this then your mother literally has photographic evidence to pressure you again.” – lemon_charlie
“Buy the same 2 or 3 outfits in multiple colors. They can mix and match the colors, so they won’t match exactly, but they’ll be dressed similarly. I only have singles, but with each kid, I bought 5 of the same outfit in different colors, so I never needed to worry about outfits being properly matched.”
“It makes life and laundry easy. As they grow up and express preferences, the pool of clothing becomes 2 separate wardrobes. You’re NTA for wanting your kids to be 2 kids and not ‘the twins’ “ – notpostingmyrealname
“NTA.”
“So, it’s NOT a big deal, it’s only for one photo so you should just go along with it, and it IS a big deal because mom is ‘stressed’ and therefore you should go against your express choices as a parent. Got it. Good thing that the family is being logical and consistent.’ “ –
CandylandCanada
“nta as a twin thank you. My mum thought it was cute to dress her twins alike and it ended up with one of us being the thin and pretty twin and the other being ‘the other twin’ i was always made to feel like the one that was never good enough or loved the same.”
“We were always ‘the twins’ and yeah please keep raising them like they are unique different people.” – Kattiaria
“That this is an issue speaks a lot about your mom and your brother. That this is a conversation at all, given you’ve told them (and apparently re-iterated multiple times) that the ‘dressing the twins alike’ thing is a non starter, pretty clearly conveys that they view these kids as dolls, not children (or humans). Thats pretty gross actually.”
“NTA.”
“propose that you and your brother wear identical dresses and hairstyles.” – SoImaRedditUserNow
“NTA: They are your children and you should advocate for their individuality. You did the right thing by putting your foot down.”
“If you were looking for a potential compromise, the girls could wear the same colour palette but different dresses, shoes, accessories, hairstyles, etc. They would look complementary without being identical. But don’t feel obligated to accommodate her.” – Impossible_Rain_4727
Later in the thread, the OP explained why she thought it was important to establish her daughters’ identities.
“I went to school with a pair of twin boys and it always made me uncomfortable to see them being forced to dress alike down to having the same haircut so when I had twins I remembered them and it shaped my decision,” she said in response to a commenter who said some parents have gone too far in exploiting their twin children.
Hopefully, the OP’s mother will stop putting the pressure on and respect her daughter’s wishes stemming from a goal to make her twins feel they can claim their individuality without always being categorized as part of a package deal.