When you visit another person’s home, it’s customary to be polite.
Not everybody will agree with other people’s house rules or behaviors.
That’s just life.
But is it proper to call out behavior that doesn’t harm anyone just because you don’t approve of it?
When people make a scene in other people’s homes, it often doesn’t go over well.
Redditor garbonzobean22 to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for defending my husband’s stair-sitting habits?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My parents came over to visit me and my husband at our mid-sized house.”
“They’re great most of the time, but my mother is a bit of a perfectionist or narcissist.”
“I don’t know how to explain it, but she always tries to pick at something, no matter how minute or inconsequential, so she can show her ‘superiority.'”
“Anyway, my husband has this quirk where he likes to hang out on the stairs.”
“Sometimes he’s on the landing, sometimes the top, sometimes the bottom.”
“He’ll sit, lie down, or even drape himself in weird positions.”
“He’s not hurting anyone—it’s just him.”
“It’s his way of chilling, and honestly, I find it endearing.”
“My mother was not a fan.”
“She kept giving him side-eyes and finally said something like, ‘Why is he sitting there? He’s not a child. He can sit in the living room like an adult.’”
“I shrugged and told her, ‘It’s our house. He can sit however and wherever he wants.’”
“That set her off.”
“She started going on about how it’s ‘weird’ and ‘not proper’ and how it’s embarrassing that he acts like this.”
“I didn’t budge—I wasn’t about to tell my husband where he can or can’t sit in his own home.”
“Things escalated, and eventually, she stormed out in a full-on hissy fit, saying she wouldn’t ‘be a part of this nonsense.’”
“She took the car and went to a hotel in town, leaving my dad behind.”
“The thing is, she has no reason to go upstairs, so it’s not like my husband was disrupting her.”
“He was just using his phone (sometimes he reads books on the stairs too, but not this weekend).”
“The only things upstairs are my husband’s office, our room, and a small half bathroom, (a half bathroom is a bathroom without any bathing utilities, just a sink and toilet).”
“My dad and I had a great night catching up.”
“He didn’t care one bit about the ‘stair thing’ and just laughed it off.”
“Now I’m left wondering if I was too harsh on my mom.”
“I know she can be dramatic, but maybe I should’ve tried to smooth things over instead of digging my heels in.”
“I get it’s not traditional (I can’t find the right word, correct, professional, formal?) but he’s my family too, and it’s our house.”
“He can do whatever he likes.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. The only thing I can conclude from your story is that your mom really does find things to pick at so that she can obtain compliance and master the situation.”
“So she found a thing to pick at, and she tried, and she failed, and it was a big shock, very uncomfortable, so she freaked out.”
“It’s 100% her fault.”
“I would go forward as if nothing happened and let her bring it up if she must.”
“Otherwise just ignore, as if she was a kid who had some strange tantrum and now it’s done.” ~ REDDIT
“NTA—setting boundaries with a critical parent isn’t being harsh; it’s protecting your family’s autonomy.” ~ mmillwee14
“And mom needs a shrink. NTA.” ~ Organic_Start_420
“Making OP uncomfortable is the point.”
“That’s the mom’s goal in these tantrums.”
“Make everyone around her uncomfortable so they bow to her will, just to make it stop.”
“’Mom, you’re embarrassing yourself’ takes that power away from her.”
“It’s a reaction of pity rather than the fear reaction she wants.”
“It demonstrates that no one is uncomfortable other than her, and it highlights that she’s the one being ridiculous and unhinged.” ~ Kathrynlena
“NTA. I think you handled it perfectly.”
“And I think this needs to happen more often; every time she picks at something kicking up a stink, the response should be calm, ‘this is how we do things,’ and let her leave.”
“Don’t chase after her, just carry on enjoying whatever is going on.”
“Then when she comes back, don’t make a big deal of it.”
“Like nothing happened, no acknowledgment of her return and definitely no apologies.”
“A narcissist doesn’t like not being the center of everything, so if you stop buying into her drama, maybe she’ll learn to behave… and if not, you get a few hours of peace while she sulks.” ~ Rare_Sugar_7927
“Unfortunately, narcissists don’t learn.”
“There is no therapy that will fix them.”
“Setting your rules and acceptable behavior is key.”
“Not giving in and not making a big deal about it afterward is great, too.”
“Good luck!” ~ yomamayeehaw
“NTA. It’s super normal for kids of parents who do things like this to feel the need to smooth things over.”
“Anxiety response – fight, flight, freeze, also fawn.”
“Fawn, make things better, resolve the conflict, manage the parent’s emotions.”
“You aren’t and never were responsible for the emotions of your parent.”
“Her emotions are 100% hers to feel and to manage.”
“She overreacted.” ~ Meddlesome_Lasagna
“NTA, his house, he can drape himself over any part of it however he wants, including sleeping on the floor if he wants.”
“Your house, your rules.”
“Mom doesn’t like it well then she is free to leave.” ~ Advanced-Power991
“NTA… I grew up sitting on the stairs reading books.”
“It’s comfy to lean an elbow back resting on the stairs reading… like you said it’s his home and your home and y’all can do in it what you like.” ~ GuyFromLI747
“I sat and reclined on the basement stairs at my grandma’s house growing up.”
“I now sit on the back porch stairs when I get home from work a lot of times before going inside.” ~ purrincesskittens
“I used to sit on the stairs at the train station when I took the train.”
“My job let out at 4 and the next train in my direction wasn’t till 5:45 and even now, I’ll sit on my front steps in the summer because it’s shaded and I love the breeze.” ~ GuyFromLI747
“NTA. This is not your problem.”
“Your father didn’t feel the need to smooth things over and wasn’t bothered by her leaving, so why should you be?”
“If your mom wants to visit with you, then she can return anytime she wants.”
“Would you give in to a toddler having a tantrum about not getting sweets?” ~ Gertrude_D
“NTA. My cousin had a house with a somewhat closed-in kitchen.”
“The stairs to the second story were to the side, so when we’d gather we’d just naturally gravitate to the steps so we could talk with whoever was in the kitchen.”
“Even her dog, a black lab, would sit on the stairs with us, his butt on one step and his feet 2 steps lower.”
“Nobody ever had a problem with it.”
“Your mom would’ve hated it.” ~ Seven_bushes
“NTA – You’re an adult in your own house – you get to decide what’s allowed and what isn’t, and no one should make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.”
“My mom taught me that establishing boundaries and keeping them is important, which is why she is no longer allowed to stay in our house after breaking ALL of the few house rules we set, and overstaying her welcome without asking.”
“It was supposed to be three days, but somewhere in her planning it turned into a week.”
“Would have been nice to know.”
“I still love her and we still get along just fine.”
“I’m a counter-sitter myself, and NO ONE is going to tell me I can’t sit on the kitchen counter in my own home!” ~ ProbablySomeJerk
“Is the location of the stairs next to the common areas/wherever you and mom were visiting?”
“I ask because while it’s his home and he can do whatever he wants, if Mom was able to keep looking at him it almost seems it might come across as him being a bit weird, lingering, lurking, not wanting to be a part of visiting yet needing to ensure he hears everything.”
“That could make some people uncomfortable. NTA.” ~ theferal1
“NTA. Good for you!”
“Please notice your mother spun herself into a frenzy and your father did not engage.”
“You can also refuse to participate in her little dramatics.”
“Of course, your husband can sit where he wants.”
“I think her subtext was, why hasn’t your husband come and take a seat in the living room to talk with me as a formal guest?”
“Not an unreasonable expectation from a parent, but also, not crucial to confirm.”
“It seems like he was close enough to participate if he wanted to or you wanted him to.” ~ Only-Memory2627
“NTA. Yep, you tried to set a boundary with a narcissist.”
“You just witnessed the results.”
“It’s called an ‘Extinction Outburst,’ when a narcissist doesn’t get the expected result from a comment, they immediately escalate in an attempt to get the intended result.”
“She actually went into a full-blown tantrum, so just treat her like a three-year-old from now on.”
“She gets a time-out until she can respect others.
“No, don’t ‘smooth things over.'”
“That is rewarding her bad behavior.”
“She doesn’t get to disrespect you and your husband in your house.”
“I get your husband.”
“I used to do that too when I had a place with stairs.”
“I think I may be part cat sometimes, it’s oddly comforting to sit up high and watch the world below.” ~ WhereWeretheAdults
“NTA. She picked a fight and lost.”
“She did not have to leave, that was her choice.” ~ gastropod43
“NTA but you need to set some stronger boundaries with your mom and stop excusing your behavior.”
“If you and your husband decide to have kids at some point are you going to tolerate her acting like this to children?”
“Because it’s absolute nonsense.”
“Your husband shouldn’t be disrespected in his own home.” ~ giantbrownguy
“NTA. Your mom was totally out of line and you were totally correct.”
“Your husband was doing nothing wrong.”
“It sounds like this was not out of character for her to throw a hissy fit over something ridiculous.”
“If it wasn’t the stair sitting, she probably would have found some other minor quibble to get upset about.”
“You were likely trained throughout childhood to ‘smooth things over’ and give in to her, and she was counting on your compliance with her demand.”
“You were completely correct in showing a spine and refusing to give in.”
“It’s great to start this now, in a low-stakes situation at home, rather than starting it at a formal event or special occasion.”
“Keep it up!” ~ NapalmAxolotl
“NTA, your house, your rules.”
“Let her sulk it out.” ~ NovasVale
“NTA. Is it weird that he does that?”
“Yeah pretty much.”
“Sitting I can understand but how does he lie?”
“But I don’t see how it’s ‘not proper’ however.”
“I’m assuming because it’s weird, it bothered her, which is ok, but it’s not ok that she created drama over it.”
“I’m sure she has weird habits that would annoy other people, but they are polite and don’t tell her to her face nor push their ideas onto her.” ~ Archkat
“NTA. Your mom seems to have a problem understanding why people do things that she doesn’t deem normal.”
“This causes her anxiety until she has to get away from what is happening.”
“You did the right thing.”
“Continue defending your husband until mom understands that it’s husband’s normal even if it’s not mom’s.”
“Besides being normal is overrated, abnormal makes life more interesting.” ~ wlfwrtr
“NTA. She stormed out and checked in at a hotel over her son-in-law sitting on the stairs.”
“In his own house.”
“Good for you for backing up your husband!” ~ Sambamthankyousam2
“NTA but it is weird he chooses to sit in strange positions on the stairs while talking to guests who are also not sitting on the stairs.”
“Like, that’s definitely strange and I would find it uncomfortable.” ~ IntsyBitsy
It’s your house OP.
Yours and your hubby’s.
Y’all are allowed to sit wherever, whenever… HOWever.
Reddit wants your hubby to be happy on the stairs.
Perhaps your Dad can talk to your Mom for you, then maybe she’ll calm down.