Picking a name for a newborn can be a stressful process.
There are so many great names to choose from.
There are also a lot of tainted names for personal reasons.
So who gets to make the final decision?
Redditor bluebump wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to name my baby after a dead girl?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (25 F[emale]) and my husband (27 M[ale]) have a complicated history together, especially concerning his family.”
“I met him on a blind date when we were both in college, and he asked me to be his G[irl]F[riend] on our second date.”
“He’s always been sweet, trying to be considerate of my feelings, especially when it comes to his family.”
“His mother has always been against our relationship from the start, mostly due to the reasons I think I might be the a**hole here.”
“He had a friend, let’s call her Annie, who passed away when he was a teenager.”
“He’d always been close with her, and he always insists they were platonic.”
“However, his mother always talked about how they were supposed to get married as adults and I was his ‘second choice’ and he wouldn’t have married me if she was alive.”
“It’s always hurt in all honesty, and I’ve tried as hard as I can to be accommodating for her and her grief as she cared about Annie a lot and was even friends with her mother.”
“Annie was a great girl, and I do wish I could have gotten to know her but it hurts being constantly compared to the woman my husband could have been with.”
“Especially since we already have a son who his mother isn’t allowed to see because of her insistence that he’s not her ‘real grandbaby’ because he isn’t Annie’s.”
“So this is where I think I probably overreacted and could be the a**hole,.”
“We found out two months ago that we were having a baby girl, and we were ecstatic!”
“I was worried he’d be one of those boy-only fathers, but he almost cried finding out we’d have a girl.”
“Our son is also over the moon, constantly talking to his sister and asking for her name… which has become an issue as my husband recently asked to name our daughter after Annie.”
“Which was upsetting, especially since his mother is so hung up about them being together.”
“We ended up arguing slightly, and I’m currently staying with my son at a friend’s house.”
“Am I overthinking this?”
“I just don’t know what to do.”
“His mom has been blowing up my messages (I don’t even know how she got my messenger, me and him haven’t spoken to her since our son’s first birthday).”
“And my mama has just told me to stop arguing over it and just let him choose her name since she’s his only daughter.”
“Any advice is appreciated.”
“I need a non-biased opinion.”
“My friend says that I was overreacting for leaving, but I just needed time for myself, and I don’t want to confront him right now.”
“I know I can be sensitive without realizing it, so much input is appreciated.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA.”
“Wanting to name your child with a name that has caused so much trauma in your relationship is unfair to you.”
“Due to his mother’s behavior, his friend’s name is now off the card.”
“Your daughter will also be favored over your son because she is the memorial to Annie.”
“This name is now toxic to your marriage. The fact he let it get to the point you have had to leave your home whilst pregnant is not right.”
“You can get by it, but he needs to understand that he could damage the relationship between you and your daughter before she is born, cause resentment with her brother because she is your favorite, and cause trauma for you every time her name is mentioned.”
“Good luck.” ~ GapApprehensive3184
“NTA completely!!!”
“Oh, totally the hubs, and they are RIPPING him a new one over there.”
“OP, I’m sorry you are dealing with this nonsense.”
“Your M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] is a whack job, and hubs are just playing into it.” ~ aretmis_Smoke2144
“NTA… your concerns are completely valid, and your husband should NEVER have suggested it.”
“It was a nice idea at 18 to honor Annie but after all these years of his mother behaving the way she has it’s totally inappropriate now, you didn’t do that your husband’s mother did.”
“MIL turned Annie into competition and someone you and your children will never live up to and that’s awful because I’m sure Annie never would have wanted that!”
“Your husband, however, needs a long, hard look in the mirror and realise his huge mistake.”
“As a side note, you need a better mother and friends!” ~ Vix_1910
“Exactly this. NTA.”
“Something is wrong with MIL.”
“Hubs MUST know how she feels about the whole.”
“Whether they were platonic or not, given the issues, it boggles my mind to think he’d want to name their baby after her.”
“Would Annie feel honored to be the root of so much havoc?
“I’m guessing not. Yuck.” ~ Accomplished_Sky_857
“NTA. His mum won’t accept her grandson???”
“That’s a no-contact right there.”
“How has your husband dealt with that if my mother did that, I’d go scorched earth.”
“Do not name your baby Annie, or Anna, or anything remotely linked to that now.”
“The link with Annie is clearly toxic for your family, and it needs to be shut down.”
“Although from what you said about her, she’d be fuming about the way his mum is behaving.”
“Your husband needs to get on board with Annie not being a name option, and he needs to sort his mother out or cut her out.” ~ Grouchywhennhungry
“NTA. I think your MIL is awful and must get over herself.”
“Similarly your husband knows his mother has been comparing you to Annie.”
“It’s been many years, and clearly they weren’t meant to be because she’s not here anymore.”
“I also don’t think you’re wrong for wanting a bit of space.”
“Him asking you to name your child after Annie validates all your worst thoughts, and that’s scary and awful.”
“I think you need to have an honest conversation with your hubby, tell him how you feel, and take it from there.”
“You shouldn’t have to name your baby something you don’t wanna name it.”
“You’re the one who’s literally sacrificing their body and putting their life at risk to bring life into this world.”
“You should have more say on the name in my opinion.” ~ Sirensongstress11
“NTA OP.”
“Your husband just asked to name your baby after a person who you have been compared to for your whole relationship.”
“He either is an idiot and didn’t think any of this through or just doesn’t care.”
“Either way I would seriously consider talking to him about it to figure out what exactly is wrong.” ~ Batlas87
“NTA. This would be my hill to die on.”
“Your husband is wrong.”
“Your mother-in-law is awful.”
“Do not let this happen.”
“Make sure he doesn’t get to fill out the birth certificate.”
“I cannot fathom the gross insensitivity of this request and your mother-in-law‘s behavior.”
“You need to have a discussion with your husband.”
“Explain your reasons thoroughly and completely.”
“If he still insists, you’ve got a bigger problem.” ~ Nanabanafofana
“NTA. I’m frankly amazed you’ve managed to sustain a relationship with his mother of any kind given her behavior, and the idea that this girl’s name would now become a part of your family forever is horrifying.”
‘I judge your husband to be utterly tone-deaf and insensitive to how this might make you feel.”
“Annie is dead.”
“She can live in their memories but you are his loving wife, and this is the daughter you two have made together, not a means to remember someone else.” ~ MystickPisa
“NTA. Baby names are always a mutual decision by both parents.”
“To me his obsession with this person is unhealthy, and if your daughter becomes her namesake then she will be the ‘golden child’ for sure and your son will suffer for it.”
“But it is up to you whether to compromise on this for the sake of your marriage or not.”
“Other family members need to butt out.” ~ 1962Michael
“I assume your husband knows his mother’s fixation with Annie.”
“Why would he want to feed the fire by using that name?”
“Very strange. NTA.” ~ Accomplished_Two1611
“NTA. You didn’t know this person, and it seems like he may be hung up on her.”
“You have the right to veto a name for your own child.” ~ Narrow_Yard7199
“Absolutely not!”
“Your husband needs to grow a backbone and put his mother in her place.”
“And tell your mother it’s your daughter too!”
“NO NO NO NO!!!” ~ Pattyhere
OP came back to drop more details…
“First I wanted to thank everyone who answered.”
“Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy feeling like I do.”
“Please tell me if I missed anything, there are too many comments to sort through.”
“While the name is pretty, the association is the issue.”
“It might be cruel to say, but I truly didn’t know her, and while it’s lovely he wants to honor her, I don’t want that to be at the expense of our child, especially since the name is shrouded in so many issues.”
“Annie died at eighteen in an accident, and yes she and my husband’s mother were friends.”
“Me and my husband met when I had recently started college, and we got married a year later.”
“Our son is three.”
“My husband always defends and stands up to his mother when it comes down to it.”
“I know he cares about me but I worry sometimes if he’ll subconsciously start believing what she says.”
“I know I’m his wife, I’m the woman he married and has kids with but it’s hard not to feel secondary sometimes.”
“My husband works a lot, and in the moment I wasn’t thinking straight,”
“But thinking about it, I think it was a better choice to take my son as I don’t want him to be left alone by himself.”
“I won’t argue if he wants to see him or wants to pick him up in his free time.”
“I’m just not ready to speak to him at the moment.”
“As for compromise, after reading through some comments I think using any name similar to Ann might be an issue.”
“While I understand the sentiment is sweet, I don’t want to feel pressured into a name that I know I’ll regret.”
This is a lot to digest OP.
So sorry you have to go through it.
You have every right to feel how you feel.
It sounds like your husband could use a little therapy to work on his lingering grief.
Which isn’t a terrible thing to still have.
Your MIL? That’s a WHOLE other Reddit thread.
It sounds like you love one another enough to make this work.
Good luck and congratulations on the new baby.