Finding an appropriate punishment for your children can be extremely challenging.
For a punishment to be truly effective, it should be something where they learn why what they did was wrong, or at the very least take a moment to stop and think about their actions or behavior.
Most of the time, however, parents tend to resort to the go-to punishment of withholding something from their children or forbidding them from going somewhere or doing something.
Which generally only makes them even angrier or more rebellious.
Redditor Junior_Ad_1240 was soon going to be remarried and thought the 13-year-old daughter she shared with her ex-husband was excited and happy about the wedding.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP) was shocked and hurt to discover her daughter made a disparaging post about her upcoming wedding.
Even going so far as to call it “sinful”.
The OP felt there was only one possible punishment for her daughter’s actions, but when she inflicted this punishment, it only made her daughter resent her even more.
Wondering if she had gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for uninviting my 13 year old to my wedding?”
The OP explained why they felt compelled to disinvite her 13-year-old daughter from her wedding:
“Me (33 F[emale]) and her father (36 M[ale]) split ways 2 years back.”
“My daughter and I had an OK relationship.”
“I’m getting married in October.”
“My daughter recently made an IG reel (she has a small following of 3000 people) of how she is so excited that she has a wedding to attend to soon.”
“She said in the reel that she is going to attend her mother’s wedding, and she is excited.”
“Then, making a sad face, she said, and I quote, ‘It doesn’t matter that it is a sinful wedding and my mother has decided to become a slave to a homewrecking white lady’.”
“‘A wedding is a wedding and I will get to make so many ootd type things and have so many posts to share’.”
“‘It’s going to be exciting’.”
“I was extremely upset.”
“I saw the comments, and her father told her to delete the reel.”
“Some people in the comments were showcasing sympathy for her.”
“I called her father immediately and he apologized numerously and said he will make sure that she deletes it.”
“He said he has no idea why she would make such a reel.”
“After 10 minutes, the reel was gone.”
“My daughter wasn’t picking up my calls, so I texted her asking why she was spreading lies and doing this kind of stuff and being disappointed.”
“Then she called me after some time and started yelling that I am the actual disappointment and that she is ashamed to think that I’m her mother as an ‘independent black Christian woman.'”
“Before I could say anything, she cut the call.”
“I was basically horrified and depressed for a few days.”
“I contacted her father again asking if she will be coming for the weekend (I have her during the weekend and he has her during the weekdays irrespective of vacations unless we agree to something).”
“He said she doesn’t want to come to my place.”
“And I asked him if it was his idea to make our daughter believe all this and he said a bit angrily that why I was accusing him then I got angry and said you are the one she spends more time with.”
“He calmed down and explained that he himself is an atheist and has no clue why our daughter has gone this way.”
“He said that a few months back, she had become interested in Christianity (I am a progressive Christian, and our daughter had discussed wanting to practice religion as well, and I was supportive).”
“I know her father isn’t a bad person, but he genuinely seemed confused.”
“So I emailed my daughter (she blocked me everywhere) if she is coming to my house this Saturday and that she cannot block me ’cause I’m her parent and have custody.”
“She replied with a nasty email, and so I replied, ‘OK, you can come back to my house from November, and she is no longer invited to my wedding.’
“I had already worked out with her father regarding this.”
“I didn’t get an email back, but her father texted me later to say that she is crying because she feels disowned by her mother.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community had trouble sympathizing with the OP’s decision, mostly agreeing that she was the a**hole for disinviting her daughter from her wedding.
Just about everyone agreed that, while the OP had every right to be hurt by her daughter’s actions, she needed to be the bigger person, and disinviting her daughter from her wedding not only would not teach her daughter anything but would only strain their relationship:
“When you have a child, introducing a new partner is a pretty serious process.”
“The fact that you only split with your ex two years ago and you’re already getting married again gives me pause because I doubt your daughter had enough time to come to terms with this change.”
“That’s not to say that you’re not allowed to remarry obviously, and in this case your daughter’s actions are out of line.”
“But she’s 13.”
“I guess what I’m asking is, did you put in the work to make sure this was a smooth transition for her?”
“Did you discuss any concerns she might have had with her?”
“You say in a comment that she barely confides in you and refuses therapy; that sounds like a far cry from having an ‘OK relationship’.”
“I’ll say YTA if you stick with just uninviting her (plus saying she’s not coming back to your house for months and calling her a disappointment…sheesh).”
“She’s your child, 13 years old, and you’re the adult. It’s on you to help her navigate difficult situations, regardless of what caused them.”
“Your answers give off a very weird mix of everything being perfectly fine before and your daughter refusing to confide in you 90% of the time.”
“That doesn’t track.”
“It sounds like you need to focus on your relationship with your daughter before expanding the family.”- MissK2421
“YTA.”
“This kid is struggling!”
“Getting to 3k followers on Instagram is a small number in the grand scheme of things compared to huge influencers, but building that kind of following takes time and dedication.”
“A kid that age should not be spending that much time online or engaging with that many strangers and you and your ex need to have a serious talk about her social media use and come to a better understanding of the risks and how it all works.”
“No kid isn’t impacted by divorce; for her mother then to be marrying a woman is an even bigger change, especially for a kid who, from the sounds of things, is deeply under the sway of religious rhetoric and has some homophobic beliefs from that.”
“As her parent, you don’t really have the luxury of being passively horrified and depressed.”
“Cutting her off is selfish and only makes things more comfortable for you while driving her further into extremism.”
“If she’s not getting this from you and she’s not getting it from her dad, you need to urgently work together to find out where this is coming from.”
“It sounds like you and your ex have a decent relationship, but other people are stepping into the parenting role here at a really critical time in your child’s development.”
“She’s missing something, and she’s finding it somewhere harmful.”
“She needs you more now, not less.”
“If you cut her off now, you might never get her back.”
“She needs more love, not less.”
“And that’s gonna absolutely suck for you for a while because she will probably be awful to be around.”
“But that’s something you need to get through as her parent.”- AccomplishedInsect28
“Your daughter is a child, and you needed to deal with her as such.”
“Telling her that she is a disappointment, etc, is just terrible parenting.”
“Cutting her out of your life and wedding, well you’ve now initiated the second step to completely alienating her.”
“Well done, you for acting in a way to completely drive her away instead of trying to help her.”
“Someone influential in her life has given her these ideas and instead of trying to figure it out and counter those ideas, you shut her out and actively attempted to drive her away.”
“This is your daughter, not some old acquaintance or friend.”
“You should be in therapy with her, trying to understand why she has become this way.”
“Rather than driving her away, you should be helping her.”
“At the rate you are going, you will shortly never see her again.”
“Some things can’t be unsaid, and calling her a disappointment was one of them.”
“I can understand how hurt you were, but at the end of the day, you are the adult and parent.”
“What you did was childish and immature and hurtful.”
“YTA.”- FitzDesign
“YTA.”
“Because of the way you are treating your 13-year-old daughter.”
“You really don’t want much of a relationship with her do you?”
“This child needs therapy.”
“And you can’t stop it because you feel like she is lying.”
“Your daughter is wrong with what she is saying.”
“But you have done nothing to figure out where this vile stuff she’s saying is coming from.”
“When she started to go to church, did you go to church with her to check and see about the doctrine?”
“Do you know your daughter’s friends?”
“Do you know the things they do?”
“When my son was 13, I knew his friends.”
“He had a couple of friends that played Magic.”
“A couple were in Demolay, a few were football players.”
“And I had them all at my house so I could see and hear what they were up to.”- momofklcg
“I will go against the grain and say YTA.”
“You went nuclear and uninvited her after a short interaction, and you haven’t even talked to her.”
“Do you even want to have a good relationship with her, or you just gave up?”
“Don’t even want to try?”
“You still have a few months to talk to her, understand the root of the problem, why she said that, who or what influenced her etc.”
“She is your daughter and she is only 13.”
“At this age, teens say stupid stuff they don’t mean to.”
“But instead of being a parent and an adult, you went with the childish reaction ‘fine, I don’t want to see you either for three months, get lost’.”- bizianka
“You don’t sound like a good mom to me like blaming your ex when she acts out especially irked me.”
“I hope you apologized to him.”
“Your daughter is a teenage who is trying to figure out life and her character and sounds like this is just a consequence of her confusion.”
“Since you seem like you want to ‘fix’ your daughter try family therapy and make it sound like ‘we’re going to talk about our family’s problems’ instead of using therapy word.”
“Individual therapy makes kids feel like they’re the only problem which is especially wrong in your case when we look at your e-mails.”
“Your daughter has a problem, and you just ditched her though, so I’m not sure if you can find some time to go counseling with her or not.”
“YTA.”- professionaldrama-
If there’s one thing children, no matter their age, need to be reminded of every single day, be it subliminally or directly, it is that their parents love them.
True, the OP’s daughter did something insensitive to the point of hatefulness.
But the only thing disinviting her daughter to her wedding was going to accomplish was giving her the idea that she doesn’t love her.
This seems like an issue that might need some professional help, which hopefully the OP and her daughter can get before her wedding.