Content Warning: Miscarriage, Infertility, Pregnancy Complications, Rainbow Babies
No parent should have to bury their child, but sometimes, parents have to say goodbye to their children before their life could really begin, either because of a miscarriage or other complications.
Every parent will handle their grief differently, and it’s best to respect what they find comfort in rather than pushing something else onto them, agreed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor GoldenShyre had recently lost her baby via a miscarriage, and her sister had tried to comfort her by saying that she could have a “rainbow baby” someday.
But when she continued to push the subject, the Original Poster (OP) became uncomfortable and demanded that she stop talking about it.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my sister to f**k off with her ‘rainbow baby’ obsession after I had a miscarriage?”
The OP’s sister found a lot of comfort in the concept of one day having a rainbow baby.
“My sister (33 Female) and I (30 Female) have always been pretty close, but she’s obsessed with this whole ‘rainbow baby’ narrative.”
“She had a miscarriage years ago and then had her daughter, and she’s always talking about how ‘everything happens for a reason’ and ‘your rainbow is coming.'”
The OP did not find the same comfort in the rainbow baby narrative.
“I had a miscarriage last month, nine weeks along, and it was h**l. I’m still in a fog about it.”
“I told her I just needed some time and space, but she’s been blowing up my phone with texts about how, ‘Your rainbow is coming: don’t give up,’ and sending me f**king pictures of babies in rainbow onesies.”
“It’s so tone deaf, and honestly, it makes me feel sick. I told her, ‘Can you please stop sending me this rainbow s**t? I don’t want to hear it right now; it’s making me feel worse.'”
“She acted all offended and said, ‘I’m just trying to give you hope like people gave me.'”
“I told her, ‘I don’t want hope. I want you to f**k off with this for a minute.”
The OP’s sister and mother lashed out at her.
“Now she’s telling our mom and my other siblings that I ‘lashed out’ at her when she was just trying to be supportive.”
“Mom called me and said I was too harsh and that I’m taking my pain out on my sister.”
“I feel like I’m losing my mind. I know she means well, but I literally can’t stomach this ‘rainbow baby’ s**t right now. I feel like she’s making it about her and not hearing me at all.”
“Was I wrong for snapping at her? I feel bad but am also so f**king done with this.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her sister was being insensitive about her feelings and boundaries.
“NTA, yikes. My sister had a miscarriage earlier this year (early, around six weeks). She told our mom (who she broke the news to) that she didn’t feel like talking about it.”
“When I saw her about a week later, all I did was give her a big hug.”
“A few weeks after that, she talked about it a little, and all I said was that maybe there’s a chance for a rainbow baby? (Honestly, I really didn’t know what else to say other than we all support her.) She agreed, looking appreciative, but I don’t know, I could read the room, and she was obviously still sad about it, so I left it alone! I think just talking about normal things helped her more.”
“It boggles my mind how people can’t read the room and be that tone deaf. You’re NTA because you tried telling her before that you didn’t want to hear it and wouldn’t listen.” – Taegreth
“NTA. While your sister has been through this and is trying to do what helped her, she is reacting poorly to your clear message to stop.”
“She wasn’t the a**hole for sending the messages or mentioning rainbow babies in the first place, but she immediately became one when you told her it bothered you and she doubled down.” – Intrepid_Parsley_655
“NTA. You need time to feel what you’re feeling.”
“You can be comforted without having pictures of babies shoved in your face and the topic brought up repeatedly. It isn’t hard to just be there for somebody in a neutral manner without bringing up the related topic.”
“She needs to step back and think about what she’s doing and who she’s actually making feel good, not everyone feels hope through the same means, for example.” – chronicducks
“NTA. You need space and time to grieve. Your sister means well, but the help is not warranted right now. She needs to be supportive, but at a distance.” – AzureTwilightKnight
“Has she ever heard of toxic positivity?”
“While positivity itself can be a really good trait, dismissing or denying others the right to have and process their negative emotions is not kind or helpful.”
“A genuinely optimistic person would be there for you, just to sit with you or do something for you. She’d offer hugs and tissues and encourage you to let it out.”
“What your sister is doing instead is selfish and hurtful, and you do not deserve that.” – violetsme
“I was beyond angry when I miscarried at 12 weeks, and my sister tried to make me feel better, saying how if she hadn’t miscarried her baby (at like six weeks?), she wouldn’t have had her son (he was conceived before the due date of the miscarriage).”
“It was like she was telling me that this baby that I lost is somehow less worthy, I guess?, than the baby I would be sure to conceive after? Like I was going to say, ‘Oh, it’s a great thing I lost a baby since this one is so much better than that one would have been.’ I don’t know, but I hated it.”
“I was so put off by this whole rainbow baby crap that I never called the next baby a rainbow baby. Technically, he wasn’t anyway, since theoretically I could have had them both based on the timing.”
“I can see the rainbow thing might be helpful AFTER YOU HAVE THE NEXT BABY, but while you’re going through the miscarriage grief? I want THAT baby! The baby that DIED, d**mit.”
“All this to say, NTA at ALL. And you don’t need to apologize for how you said it or ‘lashed out’ or anything because you deserve grace and to grieve in the way that you need to. She needs to back off and give you space.”
“Acceptable responses to a friend/relative who has miscarried: I love you. I’m here for you. If you want to talk, I’ll listen. Can I bring you anything? Would you like me to share with anyone so you don’t have to?”
“Unacceptable responses to a friend/relative who has miscarried (sister and mom, take notes): There was probably something wrong with it. It’s God’s will. Everything happens for a reason. You can have another. And most definitely, Your rainbow is coming.”
“I’m sorry, OP. Hang in there! Be kind to yourself. NTA again.” – betterannamac
Others also didn’t like the term “rainbow baby” and could see how thinking about the possibility wouldn’t be helpful to everyone during their grieving periods.
“I had a miscarriage, too. Someone tried to call my daughter a rainbow baby, and I shut that down so fast.”
“She’s not a rainbow baby. She’s a plain old regular baby. Her identity shouldn’t be ‘the baby that came after a miscarriage.’ I don’t want her to look back on her baby pictures and think the only thing that made her special was being born after a loss.”
“You’re allowed to not be into that and to ask her to knock it off.” – indifferentsnowball
“NTA.”
“My wife had multiple miscarriages before our child was born. She does refer to him as a rainbow baby once in a blue moon, but we don’t fixate on that.”
“This all being said, if someone started sending me rainbow baby pictures right after any of the miscarriages, I would’ve lost my shit on them. That s**t doesn’t help when you’re in pain. The only thing that helped me was therapy.” – repthe732
“NTA. I don’t get the rainbow baby thing. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism thought up ages ago by someone who wrote a book.”
“It’s my understanding that a quick pregnancy after a loss is pretty typical. As is a pregnancy shortly after a birth, if no intervention is used.”
“Regardless, I’m very sorry for your loss.” – 456name789
“First, hugs from an Internet Auntie and much condolences for your loss. You are still grieving, and that’s okay.”
“Second, your sister can f**k the righteous h**l off. She’s acting like this child is replaceable. It isn’t. Even if you choose to try again, it wouldn’t be the same baby.”
“Tell her that your baby isn’t a freakin goldfish that’s so easy to replace (though, also, no offense to goldfish).”
“When you’re ready, you’ll try again, but in the meantime, her method of helping is actually hurting. And she needs to quit running to mommy and wailing that you’re being mean.”
“If she has a kid, she needs to pretend to be an adult.” – Sugar_Mama76
“NTA. You can’t celebrate a rainbow baby that hasn’t happened. And you don’t celebrate a rainbow baby until it happens.”
“There should be no talk of rainbow babies until it does happen. Your sister and mom are whack.”
“You could tell your mom you are simply taking out the extra pain your sister is causing you on her. If she doesn’t want you taking anything out on her, she should try not making things worse.”
“Sorry you went through this and hope for something better for you in the future.” – First_Prime_Is_2
The subReddit deeply empathized with the OP and understood why hearing about the prospect of a rainbow baby was not helpful to her while she was still grieving the sweet baby she miscarried.
This is a great reminder that, while concepts like this can be really helpful and comforting to some, that does not mean they will feel the same to all.
For someone like OP, it creates more pain, and it’s better to take a step back and let her process her grief in her own way rather than forcing a hopeful concept onto her.