Whether we’ve been to very many weddings or not, we all know some basic wedding etiquette, like not wearing white to someone else’s wedding, unless it’s asked for.
We also know that it’s polite to bring a gift or cash gift for the happy couple, if we are financially able, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, but exceptions absolutely can be made.
Redditor Big-Imagination7390 was invited to a friend’s engagement party, only to discover that the friend did not want them there and that they did not really see them as friends anymore.
The Original Poster (OP) respected that they had grown apart and was not surprised when they were not invited to the wedding, but when the former friend demanded to know where their wedding gift was, they were shocked at the audacity.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for not sending a wedding gift to a wedding I wasn’t invited to?”
The OP felt like their relationship with some old friends was fading.
“I am part of a friends group consisting of me and my partner, and couples I will refer to as Couple A, Couple B, and Couple C.”
“I have not been super close to Couple C in the last few years compared to Couples A and B, but back in the day, I was, and I was the one who introduced them to Couples A and B.”
“I am Facebook friends with all of them still.”
The OP had a weird experience with Couple C’s engagement party and wedding.
“Couple C posted on Facebook that they were engaged, and Couples A and B offered to have an engagement party for them.”
“My partner and I were invited to the engagement party, but we noticed couple C was somewhat cool to us.”
“Okay, that happens, so we didn’t give it much thought.”
“Couple C then announced that they had sent out invitations, and if you didn’t get one, let them know. We didn’t get one, so I let them know and got a curt ‘Ok’ in response.”
“They said they were going to hand-deliver to those who didn’t receive an invitation on a certain day and would call ahead of time.”
“There was no response, so I followed up with them, and they once again said, ‘Ok.'”
The OP was shocked by what Couple C expected from them next.
“We later found out from Couple B that they decided not to invite us and were not happy we were invited to the engagement party.”
“They didn’t say why but we figured they no longer wanted to be friends. We were okay about this but stayed Facebook Friends basically to see wedding photos (yeah I know, dumb).”
“Imagine my surprise when I got tagged in a post on Facebook after the wedding, the post featuring a few photos from the wedding and the post attacking us for not sending gifts.”
“According to them, if you receive an announcement, you are supposed to send a gift. But the only ‘announcement’ my partner and I received was the Facebook post that everyone could see?”
“I never heard this but another friend who does not know them said you should send something just in case.”
“I’m not sending a gift to a wedding I wasn’t invited to unless there was a reason (like destination, or married at the courthouse).”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some simply argued if there was no wedding invitation, there was no gift.
“NTA. They didn’t invite you. You weren’t a part of any of this.” – sockpuppet7654321
“You give wedding gifts *at weddings*. If you’re not there, you’re not obliged to give a gift. Anyone who tells you otherwise wants something.” – Beth1286
“Posting on social media isn’t an announcement. An announcement is like a Save the Date card, and those are ONLY FOR THOSE BEING INVITED. They didn’t invite you. An invitation implies a gift, and no invitation means no gift. NTA.” – Bibliophile_w_coffee
“That’s not a thing. A gift is not even mandatory for attending the wedding. A gift is always optional otherwise it’s a fee.”
“NTA, and I would keep the ‘if you receive the announcement, you have to send a gift’ locked and loaded for these a**holes when you don’t invite them to your wedding.” – cthulularoo
“You mean I can announce on Facebook I’m getting married and then all of my Facebook friends are required to send me gifts??”
“…no, there is no such thing. If it were a thing I would have a virtual wishing well and use the money for a house deposit.” – No_Addition_5543
“An announcement is not an invitation. You’re under no obligation to send a gift, especially to people who were rude to you at an engagement party that other friends threw for them. The petty side of me would send them a beautifully wrapped book on manners.” – RudyMama0212
“An announcement does NOT equal a gift. And how utterly gauche of them to think that and TRY THAT.”
“They didn’t invite you to the wedding, were upset you were at the engagement party, and then have the audacity to try and get a gift from you.”
“They are horrible, horrible people.”
“And stupid, too. They announced to ‘let them know’ if you didn’t get an invitation… how did they think that would go?!?” – Fresh_Caramel8148
“NTA. No invite, no gift.”
“I didn’t even expect my actual wedding guests to give me a gift! I think the whole ‘pay for your meal/invitation with a gift’ is silly and makes the whole thing too transactional.”
“My wedding was a party we threw for our loved ones to celebrate our marriage, and any gifts were just a bonus. I certainly didn’t expect gifts from people who were invited but couldn’t make it, much less gifts from people I didn’t even invite!”
“This makes me sound old but all this greed over wedding gifts is just so tacky and distasteful.” – Styx-n-String
“NTA. You shouldn’t have been invited to the engagement party if they weren’t inviting you to the wedding, and you aren’t required to send a gift regardless.”
“Even if your other friends invited you to the engagement party because it was a surprise party, there was still a way for the couple to handle the situation that didn’t lead to this.”
“You were put in an awkward situation that couple C could’ve easily defused. There are whole etiquette books out there on this, for Pete’s sake.”
“They did not follow etiquette (or common sense) from beginning to end. Couple C is trying to make up stories to hide their crazy and you are NTA.” – Ok_Routine9099
“You should have sent them an empty box. Certified, so they’d have to sign for it.”
“Then when they stated the package was delivered empty, respond, ‘OK, I’ll look into it,’ and then never talk to them again.” – TexasYankee212
Others agreed and felt a clap back online would be justified.
“I am enough of an a**hole that I would reply to their Facebook blast with, ‘Excuse yourself from civilized society before you demand wedding gifts from people you did not have the courtesy of inviting to your wedding.'”
“And then just forget they ever existed… like dead-to-me kind of forget.” – Usual-Canary-7764
“Being invited to/attending an engagement party is not in any way tied to the wedding itself. And a Facebook post is not an announcement unless it was an event created and an invite sent. A regular post stating invites were sent out is not.”
“To me, an announcement is either a Save The Date or an actual invitation to the wedding. So couple C’s whole rant is invalid because it doesn’t sound like OP ever received an announcement, so therefore is not obligated to give a gift even if that was a thing.” – FeedMeCookies92
“You’re not actual friends, just Facebook friends. Just send them a picture of a gift and call it a day.”
“NTA, but what a bunch of greedy s**ts they are!” – Ok_Stable7501
“Lol (laughing out loud), what a bunch of greedy grifters. I would be dragging them online (since they wanted to be public) about it. Also, ‘announcements’ are just gift grabs and it is not a thing.”
“I’d comment, ‘Crazy to me that people expected gifts from others they couldn’t be bothered with inviting to a wedding. Seems greedy and entitled.'” – Chaoticgood790
“OP, my response would be:”
“‘That’s interesting. I was always taught never to assume you would receive a gift from every guest attending your wedding, you don’t know their circumstances and what they spent to share your day. I was certainly always taught that if the bride and groom did not value your presence at their wedding and failed to invite you at all, you are absolutely not expected to send a gift.'”
“‘Clearly, we were raised with different expectations as well. For example, I would be quite embarrassed to be seen asking for a gift as it can come across as crass and greedy.'”
“‘I am sorry you felt a void where our gift could have been. We hereby send you both our very best wishes for your marriage. We truly hope you have the marriage you both deserve.'”
“Or you can say, ‘OK, we sent all of our gifts out last month. Thank you for confirming you have not received it. We will be hand-delivering any missing gifts soon. We will let you know.'”
“If they ask again, just respond, ‘OK.'” – sarcastic-pedant
The subReddit couldn’t help but shake its collective head at the audacity of the OP’s former friends if they were ever really friends at all.
Not only did the couple make the OP feel less than welcome at the engagement party. They didn’t even have to plan and pay for themselves, but they didn’t invite the OP to celebrate the opening of the next chapter of their lives, though they still expected a gift.
If the couple wanted to argue that a Facebook post counted as enough of an invitation to the wedding to account for wanting a gift, then they needed to understand that the OP might see a comment or image as enough of a gift. Beggars can’t be choosers.