Some people have no problem with a few extra pounds; they embrace whoever they are at any size.
But other people often see it as an impossible life burden.
That’s why photos can be a constant issue.
A picture is a memory, and some memories leave emotional scars.
Redditor Salt-Swing8252 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my husband he and his mother ruined out wedding day for me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (35 F[emale]) got married to my husband (M[ale] 41) recently.”
“Neither of us likes the spotlight, so we agreed on a small event.”
“The only thing I was firm about was I didn’t want photos.”
“My self-esteem is in the toilet.”
“In the last 18 months, I have put on weight.”
“I am not looking to make excuses, but there are some reasons why.”
“In the last 18 months, I have lost both my parents and my grandmother.”
“I have lost two jobs and had a miscarriage.”
“Depression has hit me hard at times, and I have been comfort eating.”
“I was put on a new medication, and weight gain is a side effect.”
“About a year ago, I broke my left ankle badly.”
“I have had three surgeries to date (the last one was ten days before the wedding).”
“I can’t walk without pain.”
“I really didn’t want photos that would remind me of the fact I am now fat.”
“A few weeks before the wedding, my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] was talking about going to a local beauty spot for photos.”
“I say no thank you and that yes, I am being serious.”
“My husband hears this and later that night I say again I really don’t want photos and he says that is fine with him.”
“A week before the wedding, I had the same conversation with MIL and my husband.”
“Day of the wedding, my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] and MIL pick us up.”
“I can no longer drive as I can’t move my ankle.”
“We get the whole legal shindig done and as we are going back to the car my MIL again says let’s go to the beauty spot for photos.”
“I again, so no, but she tells FIL to drive there, and my husband just sits there.”
“I know I gave him ‘the look’ but total silence.”
“Long story short, the photos are taken, and we head back.”
“In the car driving home, my MIL starts showing me the photos, and I hate myself in them.”
“I look like a pile of fat s**t.”
“I look ridiculous in a dress with a medical boot, and I can’t stop the tears rolling down my cheeks.”
“This upsets my mother-in-law and there is an atmosphere the whole rest of the day.”
“I really tried to move on, but I had to get out of that stupid dress and all. I really just wanted to hide away.”
“Privately, I told my husband he and his mother ruined our wedding day for me because all I can think of is those pictures.”
“He said he didn’t realize I was so serious about no photos, that it’s only for his mum to keep, and that he thinks I look beautiful.”
“I told him that not 30 minutes into our marriage, he totally let me down, and I don’t know if I am beyond hurt or furious.”
“He said I was being ridiculous and that I let him down by making such a fuss over a ‘normal part of weddings.'”
“He also said I had hurt his mother (she has some mental health issues and has been obsessing over me crying on my wedding day) and that I need to reassure her she hasn’t done anything wrong.”
“I told him no, and there would be serious problems if he tried telling her otherwise because, as far as I am concerned, they both totally ignored my one request, which was unacceptable.”
“He thinks I am being a totally unreasonable AH.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So am I being an AH Reddit?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. You need an annulment because your husband isn’t going to put you first in anything if he doesn’t do it on your wedding day.”
“You have kids, buy a house…etc, and he’s going to let his mom walk right over you.” ~ saintandvillian
“Why should you reassure her she hasn’t done anything wrong?”
“Let the old bag cry, she screwed up big time, and she should know it.”
“Your words to your husband are just right. He let you down half an hour after taking vows with you.”
“He can’t be trusted.”
“You are NTA.”
“Not sure where you should go from here, though.” ~ Square-Minimum-6042
“NTA. I got manipulated on my wedding.”
“I was mad, and even at my reception, I was told that it would be low-key.”
“I haven’t forgiven my in-laws yet.” ~ Individual-Rush-6927
“Why did you leave the car at the beauty spot?”
“I’d have sat there until everyone gave up. NTA.”
“Bulldozer MIL deserves all the bad feelings she’s feeling.”
“She done f**ked up, putting her selfish wants ahead of the bride’s.” ~ _s1m0n_s3z
“Establishing and sticking to proper boundaries is ESPECIALLY important for people in those vulnerable mental states.”
‘It was absolutely imperative she not let herself get bulldozed to really truly enjoy her special day.”
“Now it’s imperative that she sticks to her guns about feeling wronged.”
“It’s possible for both the MIL to be an a**hole, and for op to have failed in their own self-care.”
“This situation is most definitely both.”
“I’m well aware those in vulnerable emotional positions struggle with establishing boundaries.”
“That’s why it’s so important.”
“Also for verdict, OP is NTA.” ~ TheHotshot240
“It’s also possible for people in vulnerable mental states to not be ABLE to set those boundaries.”
“u/Salt-Swing8252, you are NTA.”
“Your marriage means that you two are a team against anyone and anything that causes you pain.”
“That includes his Mom.”
“If she were truly sorry, she’d offer (not just agree to) to delete all those photos and apologize for being insensitive and placing her wants over your needs.”
“I’ve lost both parents, but a decade and a half apart.”
“I cannot imagine managing that grief, a miscarriage, and two job losses.”
“You are NTA for however you cope and however you feel.”
“You can always lose weight when you have the strength to do so again.”
“If you aren’t already, please get some grief counseling.”
“You are absolutely deserving of help.”
“All I can tell you is that one day, and I hope it’s soon, the warmth of your parents’ memory will be stronger than the grief of their loss.”
“They both co-exist, but the love and warmth is stronger.”
“I bet the same will eventually be true of your wedding day.”
“I hope your husband figures out that he should always be on your team, and that the joy with him outweighs these events, and you remember the photos as annoying as hell.”
“But not as important as the love you share with your husband.” ~ Toirneach
“This. She could have been difficult but it sounds like her husband forced her to through a lack of consistency and silence.”
“You do not owe her an apology, tell her to keep the pictures private and you’ll consider it over.”
“If she shares them and he doesn’t stop her, then divorce.”
“This sucks, OP.”
“I’m sorry. You are NTA.” ~ Cute_Kitten9434
“NTA. A husband should have managed his own mother.”
“OP was bullied into this by three people— her husband, one of them!”
“While OP needs to learn to say no and stick to it, she’s not an AH for giving into social pressure and being unwilling to cause a scene.”
“Her husband is an AH for pressuring her, then dismissing her, and demanding that OP make up with HIS MOTHER!”
“How about hubs pull up his f**kin big boy pants and go get Mom to delete the photos?” ~ RickRussellTX
“You might still be able to an annulment.”
“Because this is your life.”
“If he couldn’t listen to you on your wedding day, he never will.”
“Mommy will always get what she wants over you. NTA.”
“Please do not let him do this to you.” ~ Shadow4summer
“NTA. You were disrespected by MIL and husband.”
“Husband has also shown that what his mom thinks and wants will always come first over you.”
“You might want to consider an annulment.” ~ wlfwrtr
“NAH but this sounds like an incredibly depressing scenario all around.”
“From the sounds of it, you really should have postponed the wedding until you’re in a much better place mentally.”
“If you’re in a situation where someone taking a photo of you is ruining your wedding day.”
“I don’t think it’s the photo that’s ruining it, but more a cherry on top of what wasn’t a great day for you to begin with.” ~ M1eXcel
“I’m not going to give a judgment, but you really truly need a therapist or psychologist to help you through everything you’re going through.”
“Your language about yourself and your body is downright abusive, and it’s got to be terrible living with an inner dialogue like that on top of everything else you’re going through.” ~ Ordinary_Map_5000
“What baffles me is how he didn’t think it was serious?”
“You told him on 3!”
“3 Separate occasions clearly and in no uncertain terms, no pictures.”
“He was hurt you told him he let you down in the first half hour of the marriage, well you were hurt he let you down. NTA.” ~ RikkitikkitaviBommel
“NTA. It’s super frustrating when your boundaries aren’t respected, especially on your wedding day.”
“They really missed what you wanted.”
“Your feelings are totally valid, and it sounds like a serious talk with your husband is needed… he should be supporting you through all this.” ~ LadyLustfulMystique1
“NTA – no matter what everyone says here, your husband and you had a calm conversation between adults about this.”
“If he really wanted photos taken, he should have told you upfront.”
“He was being dishonest so all the ‘but it’s his wedding too’ crap does not stand anymore.”
“He had plenty of chances to discuss this with you but he didn’t and then he made you feel like s**t.” ~ resnonpublica
“NTA but I wouldn’t have left the car.”
“Making clear again I don’t want pictures.”
“Husband put his mother before you, and that would make me furious too.” ~ Honest_Weird_9715
“Why did you even get out of the car at the scenic spot?”
“I would have stayed put until everyone gave up. NTA.”
“Your overbearing mother-in-law totally deserves to feel guilty.”
“She seriously messed up by prioritizing her own desires over the bride’s.” ~ Legitimate_Sun_506
“NTA. Not too late for an annulment.” ~ Cursd818
OP came back with an update…
“With all the comments saying I disregarded my husband’s wishes on his wedding day, I asked him directly ‘Did you want those photos, and he just said he did it to appease me?’”
“Before you all pile on (again), there is no reason he would not answer truthfully.”
“He replied that he did not care about the photos my MIL took in the woods.”
“He said that, having seen them, they are objectively bad (he clarified that they were poorly taken on a shi**y phone), not something he would want to keep, and not worth the distress caused.”
“He said the only photo he would want was one of the looks on my face staring up at him when we said the ‘I dos.'”
“He joked that he should have strapped a go-pro to his forehead to capture that, but he doesn’t NEED a photo to remember it.”
“I would not have been against that idea because it would have been private between just us.”
“He cannot give a reason for being silent in the car.”
“My MIL has a severe mental disorder, and I believe there is fear around setting her off on a spiral.”
“I explained how ambushed I felt and that I only got out of the car to try and keep the peace.”
“That really upset him.”
“He apologized for not speaking up.”
“I think he understands the main issues were not being supported and feeling helpless.”
“Everybody is saying I should not have got out – I am sure you would call me the AH for throwing a childish tantrum and refusing to leave the car if I post that scenario.”
“I was in a lose-lose situation.”
“I apologized for letting my insecurities become part of our marriage.”
“He hadn’t realized just how deep my issues run.”
“I am guilty of putting on a brave face so I can’t blame him for that.”
“We don’t want any drama.”
“I am not going to hold a grudge against MIL.”
“This is the first time there has ever been an issue like this in our family.”
“My husband will talk to her but not about my insecurities.
“He suggested asking her to delete the photos but I said we both know he would have to die on that hill.”
“We are going to move past the whole thing.
“However, I don’t know what to do if she makes them public.”
“We both agree that what matters is our 9-year-long relationship that is now a marriage and not a single day where some papers were signed.”
“I am sure that comment is going to upset a lot of people who feel a wedding day should be a magical life-changing event but it is how WE view OUR lives together, nothing to do with your feelings.”
“I wouldn’t put our relationship/marriage on hold because times are tough so why would I put this one day off?”
“We are not American, and marriage is not such a big deal here.”
“Many couples never marry, and that is very normal.”
“Since before everything happened, our main reason for getting married was so I could legally use his protected surname.”
“This is why we just went to the registry office, and it was eight people in attendance.”
“I apologize for my fatphobic language.
“Growing up in the 90s with a mother with an E[ating] D[isorder] has clearly had an effect on how I view bodies, and I need to work on that.”
“I have had to counsel for feelings around my loss of mobility, which has naturally touched on the other issues in my life, but I am going to speak to my doctor about more specialized grief counseling going forward.”
This is all a lot to digest, OP.
Reddit is in your corner.
It sounds like you’re forming a solid plan to get everything under control.
None of this is easy. So sorry for your losses.
It’s wonderful that you’ll sit with your doctor for some serious planning.
Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Good luck and Congratulations!