Divorced couples who co-parent face a tougher challenge than most when it comes to protecting the best interests of their children.
One separated parent of 11 years is contending with an issue that arose over their daughter attending a Halloween party.
When things reached a boiling point, they visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Upstairs_Pizza9200 asked:
“AITA for letting my daughter attend a Halloween party her stepsister is being excluded from?”
“My ex-wife and I share two kids. Our daughter is 15, and our son is 13. We divorced 11 years ago and we share custody of the kids (50/50).”
“My ex is remarried, and she has a stepdaughter in her home who is the same age as our daughter. My ex and her husband have tried to make the kids close, especially the two girls, because they’re the same age. This has not worked.”
“I know from my kids time with me that they have zero closeness to her and my daughter in particular doesn’t like her stepsister.”
“From speaking to my ex about issues in the past I know her stepdaughter has trouble with other kids liking her and she gets excluded by them more frequently than she’s included by others. This was something my ex wanted me to address with our kids before.”
The OP continued:
“My daughter and her best friend were invited to a Halloween party. This year, the kids are with me for Halloween, so she asked me for permission to go. I spoke to the hosting parent, and I felt like it was safe for my daughter to go under the circumstances.”
“My ex discovered I had given our daughter permission to go, and she was furious. She asked why I hadn’t offered to take her stepdaughter to begin with because she learned I was dropping the girls off and picking them up.”
“Then she mentioned her stepdaughter was excluded from the party and that every other kid in their grade was included. She felt that this meant our daughter should not be attending either in support of her stepsister.”
“She tried to forbid me from allowing our daughter to go. I told her it wasn’t a decision she could make.”
“She argued that I should be encouraging a supportive sibling dynamic between the girls and that it seems like our kids only support each other and not their stepsister, who they’ve known for more than half their lives.”
“My ex told me I’ll be a real a**hole to a 15-year-old girl if I let our daughter go to this party.
AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
NTA – Your daughter is her own person. If she wants to go to a party and has your permission, and you are her guardian for that period, then you have the right to allow her to go there.”
“You aren’t encouraging any bullying or discrimination of your ex’s stepdaughter, and you certainly wouldn’t be encouraging any supportive sibling dynamics between the girls by punishing your daughter by not allowing her to go.” – No_Construction_1096
“NTA.”
“I can understand why your ex-wife is struggling with this situation. It’s hard to raise children under the same roof who have two very different social experiences at school. But punishing your daughter for that isn’t going to make the situation better magically, it’s just going to further the gap between the two of them.”
“Encouraging a supportive dynamic between the girls goes both ways, but it can be as simple as your daughter acknowledging that this is likely tough for her step sister and remaining kind to her in the home.” – coastalkid92
“What your ex is trying to do will backfire spectacularly…if your daughter is punished because her stepsister isn’t invited, she will only hate her more. I understand that it sucks watching one of your kids being excluded.”
“But being a helicopter parent and trying to force a group to accept them is only going to make it worse for her. She needs to focus on helping the girl make her own friends.”
“And the Brady Bunch is not real for crying out loud. I doubt anyone ever truly accepted a stepfamily from being pressured to play happy family. At most, the kids will suffer in silence until they are old enough to escape.” – Due-Reflection-1835
“NTA. Prepare for three years from now when your daughter lives with you full time. Your daughter needs a parent that actually cares about her needs. She needs friends.”
“Your ex is trying to get your daughter to put her stepsister first. Every time she does that, she pushes your daughter away. Your son is witnessing this behavior.” – Bfan72
“They may not have to wait three years from now. Several places allow children to decide if they want to stay with a parent full-time and it’s usually between the ages of 14-16. So, if this ‘relationship’ is escalating negatively, then OP could look into requesting custody changes for the welfare of his kids. NTA.” – jasperjamboree
“NTA.”
“Stepdaughter is not with OP for Halloween.”
“If the ex wants the stepdaughter to get an invitation and go to the party, her dad or ex (stepmom) or her mom (bio. If any) should negotiate with the party host by themselves. Seems like no one likes stepdaughter, and ex is trying to dump responsibility on OP and daughter.”
“If stepdaughter is bullied at school, it’s totally understandable to teach siblings to stand up for her, but if she has own issues to keep friends away, it should be addressed separately.” – p9nultimat9
“NTA. Your daughter is not responsible for the social life of her stepsister. Forbidding her from attending a party she was invited to is unfair and would likely damage your relationship with her. Your ex-wife needs to address her stepdaughter’s social issues separately, not at your daughter’s expense.” – Cutie_boo02
“NTA. So were you supposed to just know about all this extra information when you gave permission for an activity on your time that had nothing to do with your household?”
“Your ex also wants to force your daughter & her friend to help her stepsister crash a party she was purposely excluded from? Yeeeah, that’s got no chance of ending in a bad teen movie-level traumatic experience for all of them or anything. Insert major sarcastic eye roll here. End of sass…”
“Seriously, please consider sharing this with your ex. As someone who was on both sides of the popularity coin growing up, her stepdaughter may be desperate to go, but forcing her to be included is not going to foster any kind of sibling connection. Nor will her showing up where she isn’t wanted be a fun time for her because we all know how cruel teens can be.”
“I know it really hurts to be excluded, but the way your ex is going about this is all kinds of the wrong way to support both girls. Having your daughter & her stepdaughter find some kind of common ground, then supporting that & building from there is a much better way for them to try to get along instead of forcing anything. That never works.”
“It may be the stepdaughter has a harder school experience & that’s rough. However, adolescence is a short-lived experience that only feels long but seems like everything while we are in it. Better to support all the kids equally best you all can (as applicable) getting through it instead of giving them more issues in the long run.” – NavaarCat
“Making your daughter drag her unwanted step-sister to a party is going to make her unpopular as well. Forcing her to stay home is going to cause resentment. Neither of those options is going to make the sibling bond any stronger.”
“People have different friend groups. Your daughter should not be punished for her stepsisters’ lack of friends.”
“Apart from anything else, why would it even be considered that you would take your ex-wife’s step-child somewhere?”
“NTA.” – sandpaper_fig
“A forced relationship between step-siblings never ends well. Your wife needs to realize that what she is doing is not only damaging to their relationship, but also to her relationship with her own daughter.”
“While teaching kids about inclusion and acceptance is good, autonomy is good too. She’s not bullying her, she’s not being mean to her. They simply don’t get along and the fact that the stepsister seems to have issues with making friends doesn’t make it your daughter’s problem or responsibility to compensate for that.”
“Yes, she would do that for her brother. But it’s her choice to make. She gets to CHOOSE if she wants to do same for stepsister. Forcing her won’t work.”
“Your wife needs to realize she’s on a slippery slope to a dangerous path.”
“NTA.” – NaryaGenesis
Overall, Redditors sided with the OP for refusing to give in to their ex’s request to include the unpopular stepdaughter in their daughter’s plan for attending the Halloween bash.
Hopefully, the ex will understand that forcing sibling closeness under these circumstances is not a good idea and would only create more problems later.