All couples should probably be on the same page before making major financial decisions.
No one will likely be happy to discover that their spouse or partner spent a sizable amount of their shared income on something without consulting with them first, regardless of the purchase or the reason.
Some people feel equally uneasy about accepting a large sum of money, be it out of an act of charity or merely a gift.
Discovering their spouse or partner accepted this donation without consulting with them first could make them as or more angry as learning they spent the same amount of money.
The Cousin of Redditor Matt_Kenseth made him what seemed like an incredibly generous offer.
An offer the original poster (OP) already started making plans for in his head.
Unfortunately, the OP’s wife firmly expressed her discomfort with accepting this offer.
Even so, the OP still seriously considered accepting it behind his wife’s back and going through with his intended plans.
Having some doubts as to whether or not this would be a good idea, the OP took to the subReddit “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“WIBTA if I (34 M[ale]) pay off the mortgage without telling my wife (33 F[emale])?”
The OP explained why he was very seriously considering going behind his wife’s back:
“During the holidays, a close relative of mine graciously offered to pay off our mortgage after a business deal resulted in generation wealth.”
“They had been wealthy before this business deal but now are extremely wealthy.”
“My wife is not comfortable accepting the money.”
“Her stance is that she has always worked for everything and never been handed anything.”
“I admire her drive and want to respect her wishes, but this is a lot of money.”
“We are comfortable financially, but this would obviously allow us to save money each month.”
“Our mortgage has about $250k remaining at 6% interest.”
“Both my wife and I contribute a portion of our paycheck to pay for expenses, but I handle most of the finances.”
“My salary is about 3x hers.”
“For context we are roughly the same age as this relative and hang out with them on a semi-regular basis (dinner, game nights, etc).”
“WIBTA if I accept the gift without telling my wife, and transfer each month’s ‘mortgage’ payment into our brokerage account?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP paying off their mortgage behind his wife’s back was an inadvisable idea.
Some had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or his wife, feeling that him going behind her back would be a terrible idea, but finding it hard to understand why the OP’s wife wouldn’t even consider accepting the donation:
“ESH.”
“Yeah, hiding things from your wife when she explicitly stated her opinion would make you the a**hole.”
“But your wife forcing you to refuse life-changing, no-strings-attached money from a wealthy relative also makes her an a**hole.”
“You have the right to accept that money, but you can’t lie to her.”
“If your wife is too proud, give me your relative’s number.”- Bendrix-
“ESH.”
“Yes, this outright and also what would be a prolonged and almost a lifetime worth of lying.”
“Honestly, I would jump on this and have a huge deal of trouble seeing your wife’s perspective.”
“However, you’ve got to talk to her about this more.”
“Sit down with her and give her numbers, do a presentation, offer her a deal, just whatever it takes.”
“Your wife, however admirable it is, is being unreasonable.”- ReviewOk929
“I wonder if she’s actually worried there will be strings attached, somewhere, somehow.”
“Otherwise, her pride is unrealistic here and that must be frustrating.”
“ESH.”- Late_Art_1502
Others didn’t think there was an a**hole here, understanding where the OP’s wife was coming from but not feeling that the OP would be doing anything wrong either, as he would ultimately be helping them both:
“FIRST, you should have a candid talk with your wife about it & try to get her to understand how life-changing this would be.”
“Tell her that they are gifting you the money one way or another, it could either go in a trust or to the mortgage, but you would prefer to have it pay off the mortgage.”
“If she still firmly says no, either take the money and put it in a trust if they will allow you to, or pay off 75% of the mortgage since you make three times more, and she can knock herself out paying the rest.”
“A 6% interest rate is an absolutely ridiculous thing to try to hold onto.”
“I made a lot of regrettable financial decisions trying to appease my husband who I ended up leaving anyway, you would be dumb not to take this.”
“NAH because you would be investing it back into your brokerage account, and because she’s being insane.”- RubAggressive3520
Then there were those who truly persuaded the OP against going through with his plan, pointing out how his wife would be bound to find out eventually and would not appreciate the dishonesty:
“YWBTA.”
“I get it, and I 100% think you should take the money, but first, have a long talk with your wife.”
“You need to find out what the underlying reason for her reluctance is.”
“Does she fear that this gift will come with strings?”
“Does it?”
“Be honest about your feelings without making her feel attacked.”
“Give her a safe space to explain why she has to ‘work for everything’.”
“Paying off your mortgage would enable you to put more money aside for retirement and give you financial freedom most people only dream of in their 30s.”
“However, if you do it behind her back, you will have done it at a much higher cost.”-Mysterious_Peas
“YWBTA for lying to her about it.”
“You should accept the money, though.”
“Just tell her you did it.”- Remarkable_Buyer4625
“YWBTA if you don’t tell her.”
“I appreciate her will to not be given a free lunch since usually it’s never ‘free’.”
“And mixing money with family ruins friendships.”
“If needed, set up a contract with your relative to pay it back.”
“Set up a payment plan, but have a lower/no interest rate.”
“It’ll still save you money and you won’t have them saying, ‘remember how I paid for your house’.”
“If you feel uncomfortable paying them back, you shouldn’t take the money in the first place.”- pinandpost
“Soft YWBTA.”
“By doing this, you are being deceptive, and this would be a major lie that could have devastating consequences for your marriage.”
“On the other hand, your wife would be insane to turn down such a generous offer that is life-changing for your family.”
“I would pursue really hard trying to change her mind…but taking the offer behind her back?”
“Hard no.”- chazza79
“YWBTA.”
“That would be a massive lie and violation of trust.”
“However, you could approach this as an inheritance.”
“Ask them to put it in a trust instead, in your name.”
“Get lawyers involved so it’s just yours.”- Interesting-Sky6313
“YTA.”
“I completely understand why you want to accept this gift, and I also understand why your wife does not.”
“But, that’s an issue above Reddit’s paygrade: what makes you a AH is that you would lie to her about the mortgage, and continue to pretend you both had to pay your share, and then put that money in an account she doesn’t know about.”
“And, both you and this relative would be hanging out, knowing the truth, while she may be thinking ‘damn, I had to take a week off this month because I was sick, how am I going to make my share of the mortgage this month?’, stressing about what to do.”
“You’d be making her the fool, and putting her through undue stress.”- RamonaAStone
“YWBTA.”
“But you need to figure out how to convince her cause this could be good financial sense.”
“Time for counseling.”- urgasmic
“Yes, YTA, you need to communicate with your life partner, smdh…”- Baxooka_Wasabi_5458
“YTA.”
“Financial deception is not a sign of a healthy relationship.”
“While you may handle the finances, you do so because she trusts you, and it’s part of the marital division of labor between the two of you.”
“It’s past of your teamwork.”
“Do you want to ruin that?”
“I’m also wondering if there is a reason your wife wouldn’t want to accept money from this relative?”
“Are there certain expectations that come with it?”
“Is the relative controlling in any way?”
“That should all be out on the table before you make any decisions.”
“It seems like there ought to be some sort of compromise you two could work out- but it definitely should be something you discuss.”- HowlPen
While a select few firmly took the OP’s side, feeling that his wife needed to get over herself and her pride:
“NTA.”
“Your wife has that bad kind of pride.”
“Don’t let her prevent you from doing something beneficial that will make the rest of your life better.”- FakeBot-3000
The OP’s reasons for wanting to accept his relative’s money are all noble and would ultimately benefit both him and his wife.
However, accepting this donation and paying off their mortgage behind his wife’s back is not likely to end well.
One can only hope that the OP and his wife will have a serious conversation and then make a decision regarding this offer that both of them will be happy with.