Redditor creepystuffthrow is a plus-size woman who is engaged to someone whom she says is a "smoking hot man."
During the proposal in front of family and friends–who were in on the celebratory occasion–she noticed one person who was conspicuously missing.
When she discovered the reason why she confronted that person to clear the air. It didn't go well.
With their mutual friends divided on their thoughts on the situation, she turned to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for telling my now ex- best friend that her personality made her ugly?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My fiance Mike is a smoking hot man. I mean he is model handsome, whereas I am a plus-sized gothic woman that isn't considered conventionally attractive."
"He is also sapiosexual. We started long distance and he didn't even ask for a photo for weeks. He said my brain was enough for him, and he has proven that every day."
"We have been together 5 years now, living together for 4 and I feel adored and practically worshipped."
"A week ago, he proposed. He did a perfect proposal with most of our friends and family involved. I noticed Julie wasn't there, who has been my best friend since we were 10, but I didn't think much of it. Julie is also extraordinarily beautiful and is an aspiring influencer."
"Mike sat me down two days ago and he looked very grim. I asked him what was wrong and he handed me his phone to show me a message thread with Julie where he asked for help planning his proposal."
"It started off fairly innocently where she asks questions about things such as the ring, locale."
"After that, she sent him questions like if he really wants to marry me due to my weight and health conditions (I have PCOS and fibro.) Mike has been helping me with diet and exercise, and I've lost over 120 pounds."
"She's well aware of his encouragement and support, so this came out of left field. He said yes and went back to trying to plan when she started bringing up my 'flaws,' like my skin not being constantly clear or my slightly crooked nose."
"He flat out asked her what she's implying, and she said that someone as handsome as he is should be with someone like her, not me."
"His response was a bit cruel, to be honest. He said that she wasn't intelligent enough to be attracted to and her interests were vapid. She blocked him."
"I sent her a message asking her to come over to talk and she freaked out because she already knew what it was about. She started making excuses at first, but then she just flat out said that I wasn't pretty enough to deserve him and that it wasn't fair she was beautiful and single."
"I sent her a message back saying that she was beautiful, but her personality has made her ugly and then I blocked her."
"Our mutual friends are split; some are saying I should be more sympathetic because she was brutally dumped recently (he cheated and got his affair partner pregnant.) A few are mad that I insulted her as I did."
"I feel bad because I did insult her and I know that she's always felt stupid compared to me and that I hit her in her insecurities."
"My Mom and Julie's mom are also BFFs, and this has unfortunately affected their friendship and my Mom is also a little upset that I didn't 'take the high road,' but she understands that my friendship with Julie was over regardless."
"AITA for telling my friend her personality made her ugly?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought there was nothing wrong with how the OP handled the situation well.
"NTA. I know you all think your responses were cruel but I think they were spot on. She is the cruel one, projecting her insecurities and jealousy onto you and Mike. It doesn't matter what her problems are, you didn't cause them."
"Applause to you and Mike for giving her the shutdown she deserved. Let people be mad, she came for your throat and your fiancé. You two are solid and I wish you both all the love and happiness." – CrochetAndKittens
"NTA. Taking the high road is severely overrated. As soon as you start doing it, it sets an expectation that you'll do that, that you're a doormat, that you can be walked all over."
"I struggled with this for years with my sister and her husband. There has been several instances in which I stopped talking to them for months at a time."
"Every time my Mom would beg me to just take the high road. Be the bigger person for family unity. And I did it for years."
"My sister and her husband never changed, they kept being the same selfish sh**ty people because nobody wanted to hold them accountable."
"Anyone siding with your a**hole 'friend' are just as bad, all I'd do is remind them she tried to sabotage your marriage before it even started. She tried to steal your happiness." – Give-Me-A-Dollar-Now
"NTA. SHE started this fight, not you; and you were fighting fire with fire. And your comment was true."
"Further, her having been dumped recently gives her no grace whatsoever when she attempts to steal your fiancé. And she finally learned that physical beauty won't get her whatever she wants, with everyone, whenever she wants it."
"Hopefully it will be a learning moment for her but I doubt it."
"BTW, your fiancé is a prize." – ZaphodBeeblebrox-FtW
"NTA. People get dumped all the time. It doesn't make most of them go out of their way to try and sabotage other relationships, and it doesn't justify that behavior even if they do. Besides, if that was what was going on, you'd think she'd be trying to convince Mike he shouldn't do it because love is doomed anyway: not launching attack after attack on you personally."
"She has no right to expect more courtesy and consideration than she displayed toward you, and if she's now feeling bad about herself and wondering if she needs to make some changes to be a better person...well, frankly, that's exactly what she should be feeling right now." – mm172
"NTA. I agree with your fiance. Someone's personality and demeanor is much more attractive than just a pretty face. I'm not going to pretend that looks don't matter at all, but the greater I think a woman's personality is, the more attractive she becomes."
"Your ex-friend is angry because she was called out for her shortcomings. She was angry because she was cheated on by a guy that chose solely off of looks and assumes every good looking guy must be this way."
"What's more messed up is she knows how being cheated on feels and yet she was going to do it to her friend. She clearly didn't value you. You didn't do anything wrong for pointing out a flaw." – socool8520
"NTA- So she tried to break up your engagement by telling your bf you weren't attractive enough for him, then proceeded to say SHE should be with your bf instead? And some of your friends are mad at you?! What?!"
"Just because someone is going through a break up doesn't mean they get a free pass to stealing their friend's boyfriend. You calling her personality ugly is in no way comparable to her trying to sabotage your relationship."
"Your judgy friends need to watch their back because Julie is out on the prowl and she don't GAF about friendship." – Livinthedream_111
"NTA - what is there to be an AH about? You just found out your supposed best friend was trying to sabotage your relationship based on cruel and superficial judgments she has made about you, and you handled it with marked restraint."
"She's awful. Nobody deserves to be cheated on, but I don't feel an ounce of sympathy for her." – Ok-Succotash7483
"NTA but Julie and your other friends are definitely a**holes. Would they also be defending her if she'd actually had an affair with your fiance? Getting dumped doesn't justify her trying to destroy your relationship."
"She is clearly jealous of you. You're right about her. And if your friends try to harass you about this, don't invite them to the wedding. Make sure that you have people there who will keep her out."
"But on the bright side, your fiance sounds awesome. He's proven to be honest and trustworthy, and he truly loves you." – ComprehensiveBand586
"NTA and I definitely see why she got cheated on because her personality is disgusting….anyone who agrees with her is no friend of yours because they're basically excusing her trying to sabotage your wedding before you even had time to get a proposal!!"
"Do not invite her or anyone who enables this kind of behavior. Thank the universe you were able to see the true side of your 'bestfriend' before she tries to sabotage your wedding fr, she's the type to slip and 'accidentally' pour her wine on your wedding dress."
"A secretly jealous friend is worse than ten open enemies. Congratulations….your fiancé sounds like a gem. Good for you." – JussWoo
Overall, Redditors thought the OP's comments in her exchange with Julie were spot-on.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.