Choosing a baby name can be a difficult process.
Parents want to pick the perfect name.
But parents aren’t always on the same page when it comes to this decision.
What is meant to be a joyous part of pregnancy can turn into a brawl.
Redditor evernotme wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I didn’t agree to naming my son after my husband’s father?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Currently pregnant with my husband and I’s 2nd baby.”
“Baby #1 is a girl.”
“Before finding out the gender my husband got upset that I didn’t want to name our potential son after his dad who passed away 7 years ago.”
“I didn’t completely disregard the name.”
“I agreed to have it be his middle name and said we could pick out a first name we both loved but he refused to negotiate and said the point of us having a son would be to name him after his dad.”
“I’m just not completely in love with the name.”
“We found out baby is a girl and now he shoots down any name I come up with.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“If we have a son in the future, would I be an AH if I didn’t want to name him what my husband wants?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Using the name as a middle name is a good compromise.”
“Flatly refusing to engage in the naming process for your next daughter isn’t.”
“That’s petty AH behavior.”
“And the ‘point of’ having a son wouldn’t be for your husband to name him after his father.”
“What sort of reasoning is that??” ~ Apart-Ad-6518
“Unfortunately for you and your daughters, you just learned his true feelings for wanting children.”
“He’s the type of AH who thinks having a boy is more important and he’s a narcissist.” ~ Particular_Ring_6321
“It’s his immature mind’s future bargaining chip.”
“My ex did the exact same thing. If he refuses to participate and you pick your daughter’s name all by yourself, then later when you have a son… he gets to do the same.”
“Do you see now how he’s trying to manipulate you?”
“Don’t let him get away with it.”
“Is there a female version of Dad’s name?”
“Suggest that you use it as a middle name and get his reaction.”
“If he agrees, he can never hold it against you 😉.” ~ Ok_Cherry_4585
“I feel like he may have been a bit sneaky here.”
“He kept saying whatever you want is fine with child…”
“1- so that he could later say well you got to solely name baby…”
“2 – So I should be able to solely name baby 2/baby boy.”
“NTA, OP. You’re being very reasonable, hubby is acting up.” ~ Economy-Cod310
“Names of children are 2 yeses, or it’s removed from the list of options.”
“The middle name is a reasonable compromise. NTA.”
“My son is named after my uncle and grandad, so I get how names can be important in family connections.”
“When we were thinking of names we had options where my son’s first name was his middle name instead (we had 3 possible names in different combinations) and we picked the one that fit after we met him.”
“My ex-husband was meh on the name until then.” ~ dragonetta123
“OP, I feel for you.”
“I was pregnant with my son when my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] passed, and the entire family approached me at the funeral about how I should honor his passing by naming the first male child of the eldest son his grandfather’s name.”
“It was overwhelming.”
“I held my ground and agreed to a middle name.”
“No regrets. Good luck.” ~ orangeonesum
“NTA – names of children should be a 2 yes/1 no situation.”
“Him shooting down every name you suggest for a girl is him acting like a spoiled brat who didn’t get their way.” ~ toosheeptheorist
“He’s upset that you didn’t bow to his wishes when it came to the hypothetical boy’s name and is trying to get you upset so he can turn the tables down the road.”
“I might be reading more into this, but it’s basically because he didn’t get his way.”
“Like I said, he’s acting like a toddler/spoiled brat.” ~ toosheeptheorist
“He seems to lack the maturity to have ONE kid, and you think you might have more than the two you’d already have?!?”
“ESH and your issues are only going to get bigger.”
“I’m guessing the kids will have your husband’s last name, or were you even allowed to keep your maiden name?”
“His family name is already getting passed down.”
“Pulling the silent treatment on your pregnant wife, over names for a potential male child, is a massive red flag!”
“Was he pissed when he found out you were having another girl?” ~ pnwwaterfallwoman
“NTA. It almost feels like your husband is pouting because the baby wasn’t a boy.”
“I feel like maybe he’s using the refusal to engage with you on girl names as a cover for gender disappointment.”
“That’s a much bigger issue than even the names.”
“It means that should you decide to procreate with this man in the future (given his current behavior, I’d rethink that), and should you happen to bear a son, not only will you still be fighting with him over the name, but there’s a very good chance he will treat your son better than your daughter.”
“Think very carefully about whether this is a man that deserves a child having his last name, or even having you as his wife.”
“I am betting this is not the first time he’s been petty and childish about something.”
“Regardless of what you decide to do about the marriage and the last name issue, he can either engage with you and work together to choose a name that you both agree on, or he can wait to meet the child you named until after you’ve given birth with a supportive labor partner and the birth certificate is filled out.”
“Either way, I’d suggest marriage counseling to get a lot of clarity on some of these issues.”
“Somehow, I think he’ll refuse that too.” ~ NorthernLitUp
“NTA. What is he going to do if the next one is a girl too?”
“Insist you keep knocking out babies til he manages to create a boy?”
“He does realize HE decides the gender, right?”
“What if you decide you don’t want any more after this experience?”
“Is he going to force you?”
“Or is he going to dump you and your girls and go find a new wife to get his ‘Dad?'”
“He needs therapy to process his grief and understand that naming a son doesn’t bring his dad back.”
“That boy would be under so much pressure to ‘live up to’ that name.”
“And Pauline or Paulette could be a lovely middle name for a girl, depending on the first name, or heck, if you like it, a first name.” ~ Swiss_Miss_77
“NTA. I hate legacy names, let the child be their own person.”
“By the way I’m named after ALL my grandparents and I absolutely hate my middle name but loved my two grandparents who shared that name.”
“When I remember them I never think of their names though.” ~ Useful_Context_2602
“Sounds like he’s emotionally immature.”
“He’s had this fantasy about what his son will be named and likely, what his son will be like.”
“This fantasy is very egocentric for him.”
“When thwarted, this becomes an ego threat and these typically result in anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal.”
“He needs to address this or he will make relationships with you and his kids very difficult.” ~ bethan2406
“I think NTA.”
“You agreed to the middle name.”
“But honestly, is it like a terrible name?”
“Because if not I suggest you tell him you get to name any girl you have, and he gets to name boys.”
“My parents had that agreement so they didn’t fight on names at all (except each was allowed 3 vetoes).” ~ Alarming_Energy_3059
“NTA. You are going to have huge problems on your hands if you don’t figure out how to get this man into therapy to deal with the death of his father.”
“I would honestly put my foot down completely about this because it sounds like your husband is going to have a whole lot of unnecessary high expectations for Father Junior.”
“I’d also keep an eye out for favoritism.”
“Once he’s got his father-son-boy please make sure he’s not awful to your daughter.” ~ MsMarkarth
“NTA. You’re BOTH having a kid.”
“Like many other things, this is a decision you both have to agree with.”
“I can understand the tradition of naming children after grandparents and such, but you suggested using it as a middle name.”
“If he can’t accept that it’s his problem.”
“It is also childish of him to not agree with any other name now.” ~ Connloadh
“It’s great that he wants to honor his father, but his rigidness is ridiculous.”
“Remind him that you are carrying the baby for 9 months and if he refuses to engage about this, he won’t be welcome in the delivery room when and if you have a son.”
“Because I’ve seen men go behind their wife’s back to get a name on the birth certificate before she can.”
“Tell him that his refusal to compromise and need to play hardball makes it so that you don’t want to have any more children with him.”
“He’s acting like he’s the only person that matters here when your body is doing all the work.”
“I’d absolutely die on this hill and tell him to go to hell.”
“Your compromise was more than fair. NTA.” ~ intolerablefem
“NTA. I lost both my parents, and my husband lost his dad not long after we first got married.”
“When we talked about kids, we agreed that if we named any after family members, it would be a middle name. Why?”
“Because it is a two yes, and a one no situation.”
“There is nothing wrong with honoring those who passed, but it has to be something that others like a co-parent don’t have issues with.”
“I tattooed my parents’ names on my back, and my husband framed his dad’s prized possessions.”
“You both have to be cool with it, or he is going to have to think of something new to honor his dad with.”
“Good luck.” ~ Gullible_Motor9320
“NTA. I’m pretty sure there are lots of points to having a son besides passing down a name, though.”
“You’d think ‘enjoying baby’ would be further up on his list, lol.”
“I understand why the name is so important to him, but now that you know it’s a girl, he’s chosen to be petty and irrational.”
“You don’t need his consent to name your baby, by the way.”
“He might need to be reminded of that.” ~ icedtea4all
“NTA. The middle name suggestion is a great compromise that hubby should strongly consider.” ~ Over-Box1733
“NTA… but he sucks.”
“The point of you having children is not to pass on the family names lol what the actual hell.”
“Pregnancy and birth is a freaking trauma to the body and his approach to things is s**t.”
“If you decide to have more children with him he should be happy if the name can be used as a middle name AND THATS IT!!”
“He sucks.” ~ NeverSeenAuthBut
“NTA… he’s just being petty and it’s not a good look.” ~ FinnFinnFinnegan”
Editing to clarify some things and answer a few consecutive questions…
“He’s never yelled at me so by upset I mean he was argumentative and disappointed (maybe even sad too).”
“He has a younger half-sister (Dad’s side) named after Dad ( Pauline) so when I suggested a girl’s name form of Paul he didn’t want that.”
“I have a younger brother named Paul as well.”
“He’s been good to daughter #1 so yes his reaction threw me off a bit and made me feel like maybe I’m an AH for not naming our potential son after his Dad.”
“He seems to be calming a bit so I’m hoping to have a discussion with him today.”
“The whole ‘the point of having a son’ line he gave me did throw me off and I did think it was weird but I think he had a lot of feelings ( as well as I did) he didn’t know how to express or put into words.
“He’s not Jewish.”
“I technically named daughter #1.”
“I included him the whole way through name picking all the way until the birth but all he would say was ‘I like it if you do’ or ‘whatever you choose I’m fine with.'”
“I just think he’s upset and acting petty right now and I hope he can at least apologize for his behavior so we can move on from here.”
“We both wanted at least 3 kids.”
“If we’re all good after this and in the future baby #3 is possible I don’t want another argument to happen.”
“If I am an AH for suggesting it as a middle name then so be it.”
Reddit is with you OP.
You’re already under enough stress with the pregnancy.
There is an easier way to handle this issue without a tantrum.
Hopefully, he does calm down fully and you can have a rational discussion.
Good luck.