One aspect of parenting that is not talked about enough in everyday society is the fact that every couple has a number in their minds regarding how many children they are comfortable with having.
This number could be chosen because of how many kids they feel comfortable having in their home, how many kids they believe they can afford to support, or some other important reason.
But since we’re talking about children and pregnancy here, and not the number of items you purchase at the store, sometimes how many kids a couple has does not go according to plan, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Empty-Researcher-856 loved the two children he already had, and he had a vision for how he’d be able to provide for them, especially private school and college. When his wife wanted to have one more child, he was nervous but decided they could make it work.
But when it turned out his wife was pregnant with twins instead of just their third baby, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked to the point that he could not celebrate the announcement.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for my reaction to finding out my wife’s pregnant with twins?”
The OP put a lot of pressure on himself to financially support his children.
“My (37 Male) wife, Julie (35 Female), and I have two sons together (5 Male and 3 Male).”
“We’re solid financially, but we both have intense jobs (I work 60ish hours a week). I already felt spread too thin with our sons and jobs, and I also want to make sure I can pay for my boys to go to private school and college.”
“I didn’t have much financial support growing up, and didn’t want my kids to worry about money like I did.”
“It all felt more doable with two kids, but Julie has always wanted three kids. She actually told me this when we first met in college before we were even dating. She’s an only child, and so I think she likes the idea of a big family and her kids having siblings to play with.”
The OP was very nervous when his wife wanted to have one more child.
“About a year ago, Julie raised the idea of trying for a third.”
“With everything going on, I tried to convince her that two was the right number for our family. But it still meant a lot for Julie to have three.”
“I did tell her I’d have three kids before we got married, and so I was ultimately willing to try for another after a lot of conversations.”
“Julie, to her credit, left her job at a firm to do government work which reduced her salary but gives her more time to be there for the kids.”
The OP was shocked when the truth of her pregnancy was revealed.
“Julie is now three months pregnant. We had an appointment yesterday and found out we’re having twins.”
“Both of us were shocked. I honestly wanted to scream, but she seemed thrilled.”
“When we got into the car, Julie said I looked like I was going to cry. I expressed that I’m terrified and I genuinely don’t know how I’m going to manage four kids. Three was already a stretch, and doubling our amount of children is very overwhelming.”
“I told her that I feel like I should leave my job and find something less time-consuming, but I’d feel like a failure because I don’t know if I’ll be able to provide the life I always envisioned giving to my kids (i.e. private school, college paid for).”
“I basically am in a position where I feel like I need to choose between making sure my kids are financially solid or having close relationships with each of them.”
“Julie said we’d figure it out, and I told her I just needed some time to think. She kept trying to talk through it with me right then, even though I told her to give me a minute.”
The OP then said something that he didn’t mean.
“Julie then asked if I was a little bit excited, and I snapped and said no.”
“Julie got teary, said I was being a d**k, and asked how I couldn’t be excited about our children. She said she’s overwhelmed too, and that I hadn’t even asked how she felt.”
“I pointed out that she was the one who wanted to grow our family and had zero reservations about three, and so I didn’t realize she was overwhelmed about the twins.”
“Julie started crying and said I was being a jerk. She’s been upset ever since and is staying away from me.”
“I do think I was harsh at the moment and have tried to apologize and express that I want to support her in this. But I do think it was fair for me to be stressed at the moment under the circumstances, and I wish she could also see where I’m coming from.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the news of having multiples could be overwhelming.
“I cried in the car when I left my OB’s office after learning we were expecting twins. My husband was also visibly upset. It’s normal to be overwhelmed by that news. Just about everyone who wasn’t planning on twins in my Moms of Multiples group said the same; they cried too.”
“For me, and my husband, it was a rollercoaster of emotions as we came to terms with it. We had nine-ish months to prepare. And we did get excited by the time they got here.”
“Truth be told, it was hard for the first few months but listen…”
“You can make it. You will make it work, and you will fall in love with them and laugh at the trepidation you’re having right now. I promise.” – LizardCase
“When we found out we were expecting twins as our first child, we were both shocked and upset. It took us some time to process and honestly, it took me until probably 30 weeks to actually start to feel excited.”
“OP, It’s a normal reaction. Snapping at your wife wasn’t the best move, but you apologized, and we all make mistakes. I can also see why she is upset though, because I’m sure she wants you to feel happy. Anyway, like others have said, rethink your priorities.”
“My husband and I both could be working more and making more money, but right now, our kids need us, and we’re able to take care of them, and that’s all that matters. Private school and college are not the end-all-be-all.”
“Being a plugged-in dad is way more important to your children in the long term, and is more important for their development! Good luck!” – E-as-in-elephant
“My wife and I had one kid, and then she found out she was pregnant again. I didn’t mind so much because one more wouldn’t have changed our life too much. I could keep the same house, same car. It wouldn’t be too bad I thought.”
“At the first sonogram when we learned we were having twins, I went full surrender cobra.”
“This was going to be a complete upheaval. We’d need a bigger house, a van, everything was going to have to change. I stayed strong to not stress my wife out who also was very shocked knowing everything was going to have to change, but I was very worried.”
“Five years later, everything is fine. It’s incredible how you just make it work when push comes to shove. Some things will have to be sacrificed, and there’s really no way around it. I also would have loved to send all my kids to college debt-free, but now that’s not possible and when they get older they’ll understand.”
“I was able to go to school without a college fund, just like many other successful people did. I’ll never be able to take long and expensive vacations with my wife, but we’ve made peace with that. As long as our kids are happy, we’ll get by.”
“Every Parent of Multiples freaks out at first. That’s normal. But soon OP won’t even be able to imagine life without them” – Brom0nk
“She probably just wanted to make sure that you were going to be by her side, and not resent her for it. Being pregnant makes a woman really vulnerable. That doesn’t mean she handled this super well, either.”
“I think y’all will figure things out just fine. No matter what, your kids will grow up with two folks who love them. That’s worth more than some big private school education, if it comes down to it.” – bigfatkitty2006
“NAH. Honestly, this is the kind of news that kind of scrambled rationality a little bit. Was there a way to communicate this better? Sure. But you were in a panic. She was also excited and wanted to share that with you, and I get her being upset.”
“I would apologize to her and tell her that you are excited to meet these babies and raise them with her. And more gently reiterate that while that is true, you ARE scared and want to talk to her about how you guys are going to handle this change.” – AnxiousTelephone2997
Others agreed and urged the OP to rethink some of his priorities.
“It may be time to rethink your goals, OP. Do your kids really need 12 years of private schools, or do you want to save your money for academic high schools?”
“And is never making your kids never worry about money a good idea? Because at least some of them are going to have to worry about money as adults. Of course, too much worry about money is very bad for kids and makes it difficult for them to concentrate on scholastic achievements, but that doesn’t mean they need to regard money worries as something that happens to other people.”
“Because it will happen to them, better they should both be aware of the existence of both money worries and strategies for coping with money worries.” – Echo-Azure
“I grew up wondering how we were going to eat poor. As such, we made sure our kids have never had to worry about money.”
“It’s exhausting. They’re so spoiled and they don’t think twice about breaking things like $70 Xbox controllers, because we have money, right? They’re 12 and six, and are having to now learn the hard way that just because I could replace their controllers every month when they break them, it doesn’t mean I will.”
“Kids don’t need private school and paid for college. They need present parents and to not have to worry about food, shelter, and bills.” – Gone_Green2007
“It’s not going to hurt your kids’ futures if they go to public school.”
“Take it from me, OP. I’ve been in private, online, home, and public schooling, and public was significantly better on most fronts. Private school gave me a very s**tty false education (that I’m still having to UN-learn) and caused me to be really out of touch with reality and society in some bad ways and resulted in many cringey social blunders.”
“Public school exposed me to much more diversity and developed my confidence and drastically improved my social skills.”
“I could go on and on about pros and cons of the different types. A price tag does not equal quality. There are other kinds of costs and gains to consider. Your kids will benefit so much more from having you engaged in their lives than they would ever get out of private school.” – MeisterBeans
“Dude, you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Your kids do not need fancy private schools. It’s a nice thing, but it doesn’t guarantee anything. I went to private school and I am now a CNA. My brothers went to public school. Both of them finished valedictorian at university and have well-paying (mid-six-figures) jobs.” – lynypixie
“I’m taking a walk while my four teens bounce around my house. I read the title and had a good laugh, and barely needed to read the post.”
“Yeah, your reaction was s**t. But when my wife called me at work to tell me she was pregnant with our fourth, I pretty much hung up on her.”
“Bro. You won’t regret it for a moment. Chill. Don’t overreact to your childhood, as the kids will make their way just fine with whatever support you’re able to provide.”
“As cliche as it sounds, they remember the love you provided way more than the money and sh*t.” – Consistent-Tip-7819
While the subReddit completely understood the shock the OP was feeling and how he felt like all of his plans were shifting by going from two to four children, they also encouraged him to take a breath and think about what was really important: a happy life with his wife and children.
Undeniably, the children would remember the time they had with their parents far more than they’d remember the school system they went through, and the parents would soon be so excited about their new arrivals that the initial shock would wear off.