Conversations about money are almost guaranteed to become uncomfortable.
Particularly when being discussed between two people with significantly different incomes.
Chances are both parties are bound to become insecure about the fact that they make significantly less or more than the person they’re talking with.
Similarly, people for whom money is an issue might feel embarrassed about being constantly treated or covered by friends or family. In contrast, people for whom money is no object may resent always having to cover the bills.
The boyfriend of Redditor Good-Recognition3690 recently lost their job, resulting in the original poster (OP) more or less becoming the one in charge of finances.
While this didn’t initially seem to be an issue for either of them, things turned for the worse when the OP made an observation during a recent dinner out.
An observation their boyfriend didn’t appreciate in the slightest.
Concerned they may have been out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for pointing out that my boyfriend ordered the most expensive things on the menu?”
The OP explained why a recent date night ended on a decidedly sour note:
“I adore the man I have been dating for 2+ years.”
“He is smart and sensitive and kind.”
“But we have a different relationship with money in that I am fairly frugal, and he is not.”
“He has been unemployed for over a year.”
“Before he lost his job, he made more than I did and has been working furiously to get a job ever since.”
“At this point, though, I have significantly more money than he does.”
“I am fine paying for experiences because I would prefer to do things together than apart.”
“As such, I have been mostly picking up the tab when we go out to dinner.”
“Here’s where the conflict comes in: The last time we went out, he ordered the most expensive appetizer and entree on the menu.”
“I pointed this out because, although he usually orders more than I do (I’m a vegetarian and don’t eat as much as he does), this was more than usual, and I was raised that it isn’t polite to order the most expensive things when someone else is buying.”
“He became angry and felt that I had been silently judging him for every meal I had taken him out to in the past.”
“He felt as if I was accusing him of taking advantage of me, the idea of which ‘repulsed’ him.”
“He said he would rather walk home than accept a ride with me.”
“Note: I never said these things, nor do I think them, and I tried multiple times to communicate this to him.”
“I was shocked and hurt that this would be his response.”
“I tried to tell him that I was responding to this specific event and that the only reason I said anything was because I was raised that you simply didn’t order the most expensive thing on the menu.”
“He did not believe me and I was in tears by the end of the meal.”
“He said that I knew he was having issues with money and that it was insensitive to point out this behavior while we were at dinner—that if I had an issue, I should have told him later and with more sensitivity.”
“This is not the first time I have said something that I thought was fairly innocuous but provoked an angry response from him..”
“I didn’t set out to hurt his feelings, but I feel as if I am in my own right to say something.”
“So, AITA for pointing out that he ordered the most expensive things on the menu?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was fairly divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for calling out their boyfriend:
Some felt that the OP’s boyfriend overreacted, and even if some felt the OP didn’t need to mention this observation, it still didn’t merit the response they were given.
Many even urging the OP to question whether this relationship was worth fighting for:
“NTA.”
“A master course on DARVO; Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.”
“Your bf got caught acting poorly, and couldn’t admit he was wrong, so he attacked you to cover up, leaving you in tears.”
“He also has no problem taking advantage of your wallet.”
“Is this what you really want in a partner?”
“He sounds immature and uncouth to me.”- OlympiaShannon
“NTA.”
“Unemployed over a year?”
“Girl, no.”
“He can’t find ANY job while he waits for his dream job?”
“I call bs.”- Last_Ask4923
“NTA.”
“He’s gaslighting you by blaming you for being ‘insensitive’ when really he doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that what he was doing was wrong by yelling at you and making you feel guilty for questioning him.”- RaineMist
“NTA.”
“He’s deflecting and painting himself as the victim to make you feel bad.”- Disastrous-Nail-640
“NTA, it’s common courtesy not to order the most expensive item when someone else is paying (and it’s even worse when another person is consistently paying since it’s not like he’s going to pay for the next dinner as he’s unemployed).”
“I would think his overreaction would be due to feeling embarrassed or having shame, but if that was the case why did he get such a pricey meal in the first place?”- Scared_Lackey_1954
“He felt called out on way more than you said – either he was really doing it and got caught to be this defensive or it was something that other people said to him as well.”
“Either way he is the AH – especially with being unemployed for a year.”
“And then having the gall to play hurt by ‘you know I have issues with money’ – how about not order the most expensive thing?!”
“NTA.”
“And I would take a little time to think about his reactions to you calling him out on things, as you said that he had angry responses to you speaking out.”
“In my eyes that’s at least an orange flag and could show some control issues or lack of respect or other stuff regarding ‘men are in control and control the money and the woman’.”
“To bring a little levity to the end: I once dated a guy who was unemployed and who insisted on being the one to pay when we went out – in ‘he is the one giving the money to the server’.”
“I had to spot him the money and inconspicuously hand it over, so he could be the one paying…. Took me a while to get it (a lot of other issues as well), but I finally understood my worth.”- AdBitter4706
Others didn’t think either the OP or their boyfriend came off very well, agreeing that the OP’s boyfriend overreacted, but the OP shouldn’t have made their observation:
“ESH.”
“If you take someone out, you shouldn’t really be pointing out what they can and cannot have.”
“At the same time, he definitely overreacted.”
“I would have apologized and not gone out with you again.”
“It just sounds like you guys aren’t compatible.”- Antique-Patient-1703
“ESH.”
“He overreacted, but you were an AH for bringing it up after it happened.”
“If you want a budget, say it before you pick a restaurant.”- Khantahr
“ESH.”
“You’re dating for 2+ years, if you feel like your money is too tight for someone to order what they want to eat, you should let them know ahead of time.”
“’Hey let’s go out tonight, but we’re on a bit of a budget, so let’s not go all out”, is a perfectly reasonable thing to say to your BF before you go’.”
“He should know how to respond to a slight criticism, and not flip out on you.”
“He seems like he got embarrassed being reminded he has no money (I know that’s not at all what you said, just seems like how he took it), and instead of reacting like an adult, he lashed out like a child.”
“The ‘you shouldn’t order the most expensive thing on the menu’ is not at all a rule.”
“It all depends on who’s taking you out!”
“I know people that would be insulted that you even looked at prices at all when they’re taking you out.”- Seniormano
“ESH.”
“I’m a vegetarian and never match my food cost to my husband because meat is more expensive than any other ingredient I’m not sure why you’re concerned with being frugal if you eat out regularly.”
“And policing what he eats is gross.”
“That said, his response was really reactive.”
“Are there other instances where you ‘get on him’ about things you find extravagant that he finds normal?”
“Are you frugal out of lacking necessities at some point in your life?”- SituationSad4304
Then there were those who felt the OP took an unnecessarily low blow, as they knew their boyfriend was self-conscious about money and was actively on the job hunt:
“You were raised not to order the most expensive thing on the menu.”
“I was raised not to offer to pay for something, then to turn around and point out that the person picked something too expensive, in order to make them feel bad.”
“YTA.”- Fresh_Bluebird_4691
As the OP pointed out, their boyfriend was actively looking for work and not sitting idly enjoying her money. One has to wonder why they felt the need to make as big a deal of their boyfriend’s order as they did.
Even so, as the OP was merely making an observation, not so much scolding him, his reaction is cause for concern.
Leading one to expect there probably won’t be any “date nights” at restaurants for the foreseeable future.
Maybe ever again…