Putting together the perfect wedding party can take careful planning.
Most brides want to pull together a cohesive, fun group.
Of course, having the experience be as drama-free as possible is a lovely thought.
However, constructing said group can be the most dramatic aspect of the whole process.
Some families have demands.
Redditor onemilkcarton wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA? I rejected my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw]’s child being a flower girl.”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (27 F[emale]) am getting married this spring to my B[oy]F[riend] (26 M[ale]).”
“We have been planning our wedding for 2 years now and have been trying to get blessings from both sides of our families but only my family was supportive of our decision to get married.”
“While receiving racist remarks from my I[n]-L[aws] to-be, they disapproved of us getting married and wanted us to wait a while before settling down.”
“Since we weren’t receiving full support, we decided to plan the wedding ourselves and finalized the details like date, venue, catering, etc.”
“We are not and have not asked for any financial support and they have not asked if we need help in any aspect of the planning.”
“I also asked a family friend’s daughter (4 F) to be the flower girl after the engagement and her mom agreed.”
“Fast forward about a year since the flower girl was confirmed: My boyfriend’s older brother and his wife recently gave birth to a baby girl (let’s call her Amy) and they have been badgering us about allowing their baby (will be 11 months by the time of the wedding), my fiancé’s niece, be the flower girl.”
“My boyfriend and I pointed out that Amy isn’t guaranteed to be able to walk by that time, and Amy’s father responded by saying that he could carry her down the aisle.”
“When we initially said ‘no’ to that idea (as I think it’s weird giving the role of a flower girl to a child that won’t be physically able to do any of the normal flower girl duties and it would look ugly having a toddler walk down next to an adult holding a baby).”
“Amy’s father and Amy’s grandmother kept on badgering us with the same questions…”
“‘Can Amy be the flower girl?'”
“‘What color theme is your wedding? We’ll buy a dress for Amy.'”
“‘Since Amy is our first and only grandchild, it’s tradition for our family for her to be the flower girl.'”
“Here is some context…
“Amy’s father and my boyfriend have two other siblings Amy is currently 7 months and cannot crawl or sit up unassisted.”
“Amy’s father and Amy’s grandmother make racist comments about me behind my back.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITAH to reject Amy as the flower girl??? 🥲”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Pretty sure you AND your husband should be no contact with anyone being racist.”
“Is your husband going to allow that racism to be directed at any children you have?”
“Your fiancé should be handling his racist family, they shouldn’t even be invited to your wedding.”
“Why would you want a racist there or anyone who bows down to their demands??”
“That’s not even factoring in how dumb it would be to have a flower girl who can’t even walk yet.”
“Double dumb to have a flower girl be held by her racist father walking down the aisle on YOUR wedding day that you will have photos from.”
“Oh dear husband, look at this photo of the man who is racist to me and his kid from our wedding, aweeeee.”
“It would taint the day for me personally.”
“Your fiancé should be the one shutting this down and shutting it all down hard otherwise I’d rethink the marriage because why is your fiancé okay with his own family being racist to his soon-to-be wife??? NTA.” ~ Specialist_Point1980
“This!!! Also, I feel weird even writing this with the glaring racist family factor, but… good luck planning a wedding ceremony around an 11-month-old’s nap schedule.”
“At that age, you are looking at 2 naps per day, with times/lengths often depending on when the kiddo woke up (hard to schedule around).”
“Oh, and they’ll probably be cutting those incisor teeth too, so that will be a blast.”
“Oh, did I mention separation anxiety peaks at 8-12 months (so being carried by anyone other than mom in a new situation will be a no-go)?”
“The baby is a PERSON, not an accessory.”
“And this is your WEDDING, not their photo op.”
“The whole idea just shows how thoughtless and unempathetic these people are.”
“You are doing the right thing, not only for yourself but for this little girl by saying no.”
“Hard NTA.” ~ Snoo-93310
“100%. NTA.”
“Even if you take the racism aspect out…the content of their character is crap.”
“This day is about the love you and your husband have for each other.”
“They don’t respect your decisions about YOUR wedding, and so they have a group tantrum.”
“I would not put up with it.”
“I might say: ‘Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions but hubby and I are going to go a different route.’”
“If they persist: ‘I hear you. Thank you. You know if you don’t like how we are planning OUR day, you don’t have to attend.’”
“If they take offense, then tell them they are uninvited. (3 strikes).”
“Give those people a box of ‘Ding Dongs’ for Christmas.”
“Because that’s how they are acting.”
“I do have a question… what type of cake are you having?”
“It would be funny if it was marble and funfetti.”
“Don’t let the ding dongs spoil your time.”
“Congrats and best of luck!” ~ Electronic-Lab-4419
“NTA. How can it be a tradition if she’s the first?”
“That’s some wild boomer mental gymnastics.”
“Stick to your decisions.”
“BF needs to be the one to shut his family down.”
“Be prepared for some fallout.”
“Like them threatening not to come if she’s not a flower girl.”
“Be prepared for some antics on the wedding day.”
“Have some of your family and friends ready to run interference on the day.”
“Budget money to photoshop dress colors or smiles onto faces.”
“Password protects your vendors.” ~ KingsRansom79
“NTA. You already have a flower girl.”
“And that’s entirely too young for a child to be involved in the wedding.” ~ StAlvis
“NTA. Your fiancé needs to handle this by telling his brother that, if the racist comments don’t stop, he won’t even be invited to the wedding, much less be carrying his daughter down the aisle as a flower girl.”
“And he needs to ask his mother if it’s ’tradition’ to say awful things about her soon-to-be D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw], and give her the same ultimatum.” ~ embopbopbopdoowop
“I think people sometimes don’t realize that parents don’t need to be at important events when they’re acting like jerks.”
“My parents are both emotionally immature and abusive.”
“I invited them because I invited everyone from my immediate family.”
“Within a week or so of announcing the wedding, they started calling with a bunch of nonsense.”
“My response?”
“‘If you are unhappy, you don’t need to come.'”
“‘That is a decision you can make for yourself.'”
“‘This conversation is over.'” ~ SophisticatedScreams
“NTA. She’s far too young to be a flower girl; she may not be able to walk, and she wouldn’t understand what to do or basic instructions.”
“She could end up crying or getting distracted or throwing a fit.”
“There’s 0 need for her to be there aside from her parents wanting her to be a little star.”
“It’s not fair to her, honestly.” ~ctortan
“Since Amy is our first and only grandchild, it’s tradition for our family for her to be flower girl”
“This is hilarious.”
“The wedding hasn’t happened yet, Amy wasn’t the flower girl HOWEVER it’s already part of the family tradition to have the first grandchild in the wedding.”
“NTA.” ~ n2oc10h12c8h10n402
“Maybe you’ll get lucky and they’ll boycott the wedding.”
“My father’s family did that when I vetoed having my 3-year-old cousin as my flower girl.”
“At another cousin’s recent wedding where she was flower girl, she decided that she wasn’t getting enough attention during the ceremony, so she hiked up her dress to show her red panties and escaped her parents to dance in the aisle.” ~ TheFilthyDIL
“NTA. It’s your wedding and you get to decide who is in it.”
“The fact that they’ve been making racist remarks about you makes their pushiness even worse.”
“They’re trying to use their grandchild to get what they want after being disrespectful.”
“You don’t owe them anything.” ~ HoneyStreamm
“NTA. Tell them ‘No, this matter is finalized and we won’t discuss this again.'”
“There’s no extra context needed or anything.”
“I won’t even put it above them to try stuff on the wedding just so the kid can be last-minute flower girl.” ~ mathhews95
“NTA. You don’t owe people who are racist to you anything, period.”
“They’re lucky they’re invited to the wedding at all.”
“Also, in my experience most flower girls are in that 4-8 range.”
“Some couples will allow a 2-3-year-old to do it, but that comes along with the acceptance that she may mess up.”
“An 11 month, even if carried or in a wagon or something, is probably not going to understand that she’s supposed to be dispersing the flowers.” ~ lightninghazard
“NTA. I mean, you could have a baby be a flower girl and get carried down the aisle if you were close to your in-laws and they weren’t racist… but since that isn’t the case, it’s odd they are pushing so hard for the baby to be in a wedding they don’t even want to happen.” ~ jam7789
“NTA at all!”
“It sounds like your wedding plans are already set and you’ve been dealing with enough drama without adding a literal baby to the mix.”
“A flower girl who can’t even crawl yet?”
“That’s a hard pass.”
“You need someone who can at least manage to throw the petals!”
“Your BIL might think it’s cute for a second, but your wedding isn’t the place for them to start new family traditions, especially given the lack of support you’ve felt.”
“Stick to your guns and keep your current flower girl.”
“Your big day should be about you and your fiancé, not managing unnecessary family theatrics!” ~ MaricarMuse
“Query- why are you inviting the racists?”
“You do realize they will say that horrible crap to any kids you have or even worse since they will be bi-racial?”
“I wouldn’t tell them anything about the wedding and get security.”
“If your fiancé can’t see the problem and shut his family down- he is part of the problem.”
“Think long and hard about how you want your future to look.” ~ KiriYogi
“NTA. I’m pretty sure the only thing this family will care about is the niece being in the wedding.”
“Otherwise it’s just their son marrying someone they think is dirt beneath their feet.”
“I wouldn’t be inclined to humor them at all.”
“Probably wouldn’t invite them either but I know there are lots of reasons why that might be harder on you.”
“You needn’t feel at all guilty though.” ~ SnooPets8873
“NTA. They seem to want a little baby to be the center of attention.”
“I couldn’t handle being in the same room as a racist, much less a family of them.”
“Your fiancé should have shut that down a long time ago and because of that, please think long and hard about what your life might be like after the marriage, especially if you have children.”
“No one should let their children be around racists.” ~ kittendollie13
“I’m confused.”
“Why are you and your fiancé still talking to his racist family?”
“Why is your fiancé not protecting you and still allowing them into your lives, is racism only excusable to him when it’s family?”
“But to answer your question, NTA, you already picked your flower girl, and anyway, the absolute gall of your soon-to-be, racist BIL, and M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] demanding anything wedding-related when they didn’t even approve of the wedding or you in the first place.” ~ Haunting_Band4675
“NTA. You have no obligation to make any decisions about your wedding day with anyone but your partner.”
“Definitely not for a child will not even be able to walk much less remember the day.” ~ imunjust
“NTA. His family says racist stuff.”
“That’s an auto N[o] C[ontact], no info situation.”
“Tradition from his side, but what if having your bestie’s kid as your flower girl is YOUR family’s tradition?”
“Even if it isn’t, the new baby’s racist parents don’t even need to be at the wedding since they couldn’t be supportive of the relationship.”
“Besides, they’re racists, so there should be no place at the wedding, reception, or your lives going forward for them anyway.” ~ classielassie
“NTA about the flower girl thing.”
“I had a flower boy and a ring-bearer girl.”
“My ring bearer couldn’t walk but her mom was my M[aid]-O[f]-H[onor] anyway so it didn’t matter.”
“That being said you’re the AH to yourself by keeping those people in your life.”
“If they want to be racist they can stay away because they will be the same way with any children y’all have.”
“I cut my brother off years ago when he made racist comments about my now husband and don’t regret it a bit.” ~ Addicted-2-books
“Your fiancé should be the one dealing with his family and you have a flower girl so, no vacancy.”
“And any family member making racist remarks should not be invited-PERIOD.”
“If they ask why, tell them you wouldn’t want to offend them with your race and walk away.”
“PLUS – your kids will be subject to this racism.”
“Fiancé better man up now or it will really affect your future children’s self-esteem. NTA.”
“Your wedding, your choices.” ~ Slarson003
“NTA. I myself am petty AF.”
“I would have said Amy’s not invited to the wedding!”
“None of the kids are!” ~ Fun-Yellow-6576
“NTA – It’s your wedding and you’re under no obligation to use family, especially after they didn’t support your desire to get married in the first place.” ~ Jdawn82
“NTA. Stand firm.”
“If Amy’s bully dad is racist toward you, he should not be invited to the wedding.”
“No racists need attend.” ~ eowynsheiress
Reddit is with you OP.
First of all, it’s your wedding.
You get to choose your wedding party.
Secondly, it’s sad that you have to put up with their racists, let alone their demands.
As you build your new family, it might be time to cull certain relatives.
You do what you want for your big day.