Caring for aging parents isn’t an easy part of life.
There can be a lot of unresolved history to sort through.
This is why boundaries are an important part of any relationship.
Redditor Rockies1528 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for Refusing to Let My Parents Move In With Me After They Lost Their House?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (33 F[emale]) have been living in my own home for a few years.”
“I bought it with my own money and have worked hard to make it a comfortable and a safe place after growing up in a very unstable environment.”
“My parents (60’s) have always been terrible with money, constantly making poor financial decisions despite my efforts to help them budget.”
“Recently, they lost their house due to foreclosure.”
“They reached out to me asking if they could move in temporarily while they get back on their feet.”
“But two additional adults would really stretch the limits of my house, and I value my privacy and independence.”
“More importantly, my parents have a history of being overbearing and disrespecting my boundaries.”
“The last time my parents stayed with me, they criticized everything about my lifestyle, rearranged furniture without asking, and even got into an argument with one of my neighbors.”
“I offered to help them find an affordable rental and even offered to pay their first month of rent.”
“I also found government assistance programs they can apply for.”
“They refused, saying that family should stick together and that it was my duty to help them in their time of need.”
“My siblings are divided – my older brother thinks I’m heartless, while my younger sister understands my concerns.”
“Both of them live in smaller apartments so they do not have the option to host my parents.”
“My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up, and now it’s my turn to take care of them.”
“My parents are now telling extended family that I’m abandoning them, and I am getting messages from relatives.”
“It’s making me second-guess my decision, even though I know my mental health would suffer if they moved in.”
“Should I be more willing to accommodate them or am I right to stick by my own well-being and boundaries?”
“I’m feeling very conflicted and could use some outside perspective.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for refusing to let my parents move in with me after they lost their house?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“See, in my opinion, a child would ordinarily be responsible for helping their helpless parents, but in this particular instance, I don’t feel like that applies.”
“The parents mismanaged money.”
“The parents were unkind to OP the last time they lived with her.”
“They need to grow up and spend within their means, and/or live by the proverb of ‘Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.'”
“When you move into someone else’s home, it’s a good idea to try to be as helpful as you can/inconvenience them as little as possible.”
“OP-parents are reaping what they sowed at this point.”
“My parents went way above and beyond the minimum for all of their children, and it’s reasonable for us to respond in kind even though we have no legal obligation to them.” ~ Julianbrelsford
“Even if none of that were true, the fact that they are insisting on moving while turning their nose up at help renting an apartment long-term makes me suspect they have no intention of leaving. Ever.”
“OP must hold the line, they are angling to steal her house. NTA.” ~ shelwood46
“A child is NEVER RESPONSIBLE for caring for their parents.”
“If you choose to do so out of love and you are able to do so, great!”
“No parent should ever expect you to do this.”
“It is despicable when parents try to guilt their child into financially supporting them.” ~ Resident_Style8598
“NTA Once your parents move into your house, they’ll never leave.”
“My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up, and now it’s my turn to take care of them.”
“They have a plan and there will always be a plausible reason why they can’t move out, yet.”
“They’re not going to stay with you until they get back on their feet, you’re their retirement plan.” ~ Peony-Pony
“Exactly. They won’t ever move out.”
“And even if relatives will see that and will for change talk to them they still wouldn’t listen so now, prevent that, and don’t listen to you. Really. Beware.”
“You offered so much help, and any parent would be happy you are so helpful and would understand if you told them, but we know yours don’t understand and don’t even listen.”
“No. Really. Beware.”
“Don’t do it.” ~ EmpressLadyDi
“I hope OP reads your comment because this is the one.”
“OP, they are already showing you how it is going to be by involving other families and bashing you.”
“They already crossed boundaries in the past before.”
“Please protect your mental health and don’t let them move in. NTA.” ~ Mybrainsay
“NTA. For your own sake, mental health, and wellbeing, DO NOT let them move in!”
“They have turned to guilting you so you’ll ‘forget’ all about their past behaviors and hopefully be convinced that family does come first.”
“I’m calling BS.”
“They can contact the Govt Assistance Program, friends, and even a homeless shelter.”
“Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they can abuse your kindness and disrespect your boundaries.”
“Hold fast and stick to your guns!” ~ LoveBeach8
“NTA. You don’t want them to move in, so you offered another way of helping through financial means, etc.”
“You are helping your family in need.”
“They turned it down.”
“If the siblings and extended family are all up your a**, then they’re more than welcome to deal with it.”
“You have the right to say no.”
“Stick by your guns, offer the help again, but say that’s the only card on the table and they can either take it or leave it.”
“It’s their decision.” ~ ElectricalTaste4519
“Yep, you have offered a very generous and more sustainable solution.”
“I agree with other commentators… if you let them move in, they’ll never move out.”
“They will take over your house, try to control your life, and will amp up the expectations of what you ‘owe’ them and will keep guilt-tripping you (and abusing you) until the end.”
“I offered to help them find an affordable rental and even offered to pay their first month of rent. I also found government assistance programs they can apply for.”
“Send a copy of this to everyone your parents have been involved with to make sure that everyone knows what solutions you have offered to help them with.”
“Because it’s likely they haven’t told them about this.”
“THEN add something like ‘So let’s all pull together like a family to help. What are you able to offer in addition to the solutions I’ve proposed to help smooth the transition into their own rental property, with support in place?'”
“Don’t give in, it’s not in anybody’s best interests for your parents to move in with you.”
“You don’t ‘owe’ them anything.”
“Good luck OP, hold strong! NTA.” ~ Iworkinacupboard
“NTA. They had a legal obligation to provide for you growing up. It doesn’t mean that you owe them.”
“You’ve offered other avenues of assistance.”
“If they move in, they will probably not move out.” ~ loislolane
“NTA. Tell any of the relatives that are trying to guilt trip you that they are free to host your parents.”
“That should shut them up pretty quick.”
“Also, you don’t owe your parents anything because they raised you.”
“They chose to have children, and it was literally their job to take care of you while you were growing up.”
“You have offered other solutions to try to help them, which was very kind of you, but you are not obligated to give up your safe space because they refuse other options.” ~ passthebluberries
“Please learn from my mistakes.”
“I absolutely regret letting my mom move in with me.”
“The biggest regret of my life so far.”
“She’s been staying with me for about a year now. I did not expect her to be there that long, but it happened.”
“She will be moving out soon, thank goodness, but if you love yourself at all, you will avoid it at all costs.” ~ Western_Ad4843
“I think you would be the thing if – and only if, they had lost their house through absolutely no fault of their own, had a history of wise financial decisions, a warm and loving relationship with you, and were always absolutely perfect houseguests who had always been careful to not step on your toes.”
“Then it would be a reasonable request for a short, defined time.”
“That’s not what you’re describing. NTA.” ~ squirrelcat88
“Keep in mind this did not just happen to them.”
“You don’t just miss a payment, and you are out on the street.”
“They had months and months to try to figure something out, take out a loan, get a second job, make payment arrangements, try to sell the home, etc.”
“This is on them, and there is no reason for you to feel guilty.”
“NTA you offered them solutions and alternate help.”
“They did not want to take it.”
“This is on them to figure out.” ~ Helpful-Science-3937
“THIS!! They purposely chose to let it foreclose and THEN make the demand to move in.”
“Trying to trick her with urgency and pressure the move-in to happen quickly so OP doesn’t have time to think about how horrible it would be.”
“I’m glad she took the time to step back and not just take them in right away because they’re homeless.” ~ friedcheese23
“NTA, and if they move in, they will never move out.”
“They will take over, and you will be a child living under their roof in their eyes.”
“You offered a very, very generous offer, and they can either take it or leave it, but your home is not a negotiation.”
“If your siblings have an issue with it, then they can offer to take them in.” ~ United-Manner20
“NTA- as an old person, I would never expect my kids to house me as ‘pay-back.'”
“That’s bulls**t.” ~ Lost_Independence871
Well, OP, Reddit is with you. Putting yourself first is not a crime.
You’ve offered other reasonable options.
Like many Redditors said, if everyone else is so upset, everyone else needs to step up.
Stick to your guns.
Good luck.