Any parents who divorce or separate should have the goal in mind to remain as amicable as possible so that they can give their children the best lives they can, given the circumstances.
But sometimes tough coparenting situations aren’t created by the parents; they’re created by fellow family members and friends, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor DivideSouthern7259 had been divorced from her husband for about three years and up to this point had a healthy, amicable relationship and coparenting situation with her ex.
But when her former mother-in-law became increasingly demanding about how often she should be allowed to speak to her grandchild and even when, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if the coparenting arrangement needed to change.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not responding to my ex-husband’s mother-in-law (MIL) for three days?”
The OP tried to support a close connection between her child and her ex’s family.
“My ex-husband and I divorced about three years ago.”
“We have a five-year-old child together. I have bent over backwards to facilitate our child having strong relationships with my ex and his entire family, despite his choice to move several hours away.”
When her phone was malfunctioning, her ex assisted with sharing messages with the family.
“I worked a night shift and was unable to facilitate a phone call at the time requested by my ex-husband’s mother. This was coupled by the fact that my phone was malfunctioning.”
“I was going to sleep after my shift and sent a message to my ex, asking him to let his mom know that we’d have to reschedule, so I could fall back asleep.”
That method was not enough for the OP’s ex-mother-in-law.
“I got back into our messaging app and opened our messages this morning (three days later) after getting my new phone.”
“I received a message from his mother, who was very upset that I did not tell her myself, and essentially told me I was being dishonest about my phone not working.”
“I’m not sure how she came to that conclusion, because I literally reached out to my ex-husband to make sure that she knew.”
“I’m an RN working in the ICU on the night shift, and I needed to sleep and didn’t want to have a lengthy back-and-forth discussion about the importance of sleep versus a video call, and when to reschedule, so I texted my son’s dad to facilitate that conversation.”
“Somehow, that meant I was lying and avoiding her.”
The OP decided to set a new boundary with her ex-husband.
“I reminded my ex that if there are pressing issues, I need him to be the one to reach out to me.”
“I hate conflict, and I try very hard to avoid it, so this is bugging me a lot.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had done enough and did not have to put up with this.
“Tell ex-MIL that you don’t appreciate her words or her attitude, and she should refrain from contacting you again. Then block her.” – AlwaysHelpful22
“NTA.”
“You don’t have to deal with your ex-MIL. You only have to deal with your ex because of your child together.”
“It’s not your fault that your phone was malfunctioning and had to get a new one. But I don’t understand why your ex-MIL said you were being ‘dishonest.’ Dishonest for what? For being unable to facilitate the phone call? You do have a life, who doesn’t move at your ex-MIL’s wishes.”
“Nobody likes conflict, but I think you have to state with your ex that you will only deal with him on the times you can. There will be moments where you can facilitate phone calls, and moments where you won’t, because life has its own way.” – Odd_Tea4945
“She called you a liar. That would be it for me, and I would have no more direct contact with her.”
“Your ex can ask you (for her) when the child could be available for a video chat with Grandma, and if it’s ok if she calls your phone number to facilitate the video meeting. Make your ex do all of this.”
“She called you a liar, the mother of her grandchild, the one who’s bending over backwards to accommodate her relationship with your child.” – Puzzled-Safe4801
“Your son can see his dad’s family when he’s with his dad. If she wants contact when he’s with you, she needs to be civil and work around your schedule.”
“It’s perfectly fine to tell her, ‘We’re not doing this. I don’t owe you communication in the way you prefer, and I will continue to do what works best for me.'” – Garden_gnome1609
“Like so many have said, your ex-MIL is not your son’s other parent. Mute her, so you don’t have to hear her calls or texts, but this way you have stuff in writing in case you need to take firmer steps to deal with her s**t.”
“Then inform your ex that he has to manage his mommy dearest.”
“I get this s**t is tough, but you need to start shining up your spine and reinforcing it. You’re an ICU nurse, put that toughness to good use in your personal life.” – LadyReika
Others pointed out that it shouldn’t even be the OP’s job to facilitate.
“My lawyer told me it’s my ex’s job to do everything for his kids. That they shouldn’t even need to pack a bag to go to his house for the summer because he should have everything they need there. Even getting them to get out of my car and into his is his responsibility.”
“My oldest has refused to see him since they were 12, now 22, and my lawyer said if he’s not a good enough parent to get his kids to go with him, that’s on him, I just need to be a good parent and get them to the drop off.”
“Do what everyone here says. His family, his responsibility, on his time. Even for special occasions that end up on your time, it’s his responsibility to do EVERY DANG THING related to him and his family.”
“Take a breath. It’s only your responsibility not to talk badly about them to your kid. Everything else is on him. Stop doing the mental work, your kid will be fine, I promise.” – B_A_M_2019
“You can’t be a good parent if you don’t take care of yourself to a certain degree. If there is something, or someone, that is causing you nothing but issues, then cutting contact should be something you do.”
“Your ex can be the one to handle his family and make sure they have a connection to your son, if dealing with them directly is nothing but trouble for you.” – evilcj925
“Doing right by your son means taking care of yourself as well. I think standing up for yourself and not being their doormat sets an extremely positive example for your child.”
“It’s your ex’s job to set all this stuff up. And if mom isn’t going to be nice, then it falls on him to facilitate those relationships.” – primeirofilho
“You’re just enabling your ex. He is a whole adult and a parent; he can facilitate communication and time between HIS child and HIS mother. You can block her with a clear conscience.” – sylbug
“Bending over backwards for unreasonable demands is not doing right by your son. For what reason SHOULD this woman be in contact with your child? Note that she’s his grandma isn’t a good enough answer.”
“What benefit to his life does she provide, if she’s treating you, the child’s mother, like this when you’re doing her huge favors that you have no obligation to do out of the goodness of your heart, what kind of influence is she going to be?” – DevilGuy
After receiving feedback, the OP was relieved.
“Thank you, everyone, for commenting. After seeing all of the responses, I feel almost silly for being worried I was the issue in the first place. The insight provided by all of you has been really helpful, truly!”
“Trying to be a good mom sometimes clouds my logical thought process, and I end up blaming myself where blame isn’t necessary. So again, thank you everyone!”
“Part of me is like, ‘Wow, it would be such a delight to just remove myself from this,’ but the other part of me wants to do right by our son. This is my first child, and I’ve done it alone since we separated.”
“So I’m doing my very best, but I’m struggling to find the balance between self-preservation and sacrifice at the expense of benefit for our child. Our son loves his grandma a lot, and I love that he loves her. But the petty nonsense is making me go nuts.”
“I know this is the answer in the logical side of me. It’s hard because I want our child to have those strong ties to all of their family, including my ex-husband’s.”
“So I’ve had the mentality of, ‘Well, I’ll suffer to facilitate that because my kid deserves it.’ All children deserve both of their parents, but this has been wearing me SO thin.”
“My ex-husband is a wonderful dad, and we work well together (most of the time). But he’s always been very defensive of his mom and his family. “
“I have sole physical custody, and when we had the custody order put in place by the judge, I asked him specifically what was important to him and what he wanted included. He requested two video chats a week be put in writing. But HE doesn’t request those. His mom does.”
“Everything has been going through his mom lately because he is in the military. But when he asks for those video chats, I call him immediately. It’s just been a huge headache, and there’s no manuscript for divorcing with kids, unfortunately, so this is all been a very new charade.”
Though the subReddit could appreciate all the OP was trying to do to give her son a healthy and happy life, as well as relationship to all of his family members, they also believed that there needed to be limits to ensure that the OP was taking care of herself, too.
While it was nice for her to agree to messages and calls to stay connected wtih the family, jeopardizing her health was not going to do anyone any good in the long run.