We’ve all heard the advice that people should discuss finances, having children, and intimacy beliefs prior to marrying someone.
But beliefs about medication and healthcare should also be discussed, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Late_Veterinarian300 was alarmed that her husband was so intensely against vaccinations that he did not want their young baby to receive them.
Because she wanted to provide the best care for their child that she could, the Original Poster (OP) considered vaccinating their child, even if it meant doing so behind her husband’s back.
She asked the sub:
“WIBTAH (Would I be the a**hole) if I vaccinate my child behind my husband’s back?”
The OP had different beliefs about vaccinations.
“My husband (32 Male) and I (32 Female) had a first baby (6 months).”
“Prior to the birth of our baby, I had always been vocal about vaccinating and trusting the advice of doctors, medical professionals, and scientists.”
“My husband, on the other hand is a skeptic, but he at least seemed onboard with vaccinating.”
“So when our baby was born, he received the recommended vaccination at birth, two months, and four months.”
The OP became concerned about her husband’s beliefs when their baby was six months.
“Now at six months, my husband has gone down a spiral on how he doesn’t want our child to continue any other vaccinations. This is despite the recent outbreaks of measles that have been recently reported.”
“It’s important to note that my husband has an autistic sibling, who was nonverbal for years and struggled a lot as a child.”
“My MIL has made comments on vaccinations, which have led my husband down a rabbit hole of ‘research’ and now is uncomfortable vaccinating.”
“Keeping an open mind and trying to be understanding of his concerns, I’ve heard him out and even read some of the articles he’s found. Much of which isn’t supported by independent research and more so testimonials of parents who had a bad experience with vaccines.”
“He argues that pharma and CDC go out of their way to remove any information and discredit doctors who speak against vaccines. That the fact that you can’t sue vaccine manufacturers for vaccine-related injuries should be enough to convince me against them.”
“I rebut his arguments by stating that misinformation is dangerous and that vaccines are one of the most studied and regulated medical tools in existence. They are backed by decades of global research, real-world data, and the consensus of every major medical organization, including the CDC, WHO, AAP, and countless pediatricians who vaccinate their own children”
“But this is still not enough for him and he is convinced that the best thing is not to vaccinate.”
The OP considered moving forward with caring for her child without her husband.
“I’ve spoken with our child’s pediatrician, who has offered to have one-on-one with him and was very understanding of his concerns, but he was not satisfied with the information she provided and said it was all just a regurgitation of what doctors are told to say.”
“We’ve been at this back and forth for weeks, and I’m reaching the point where I am seriously considering vaccinating our child without him knowing.”
“He’s a very involved parent, and I don’t want to make any important decisions without him, especially not medical decisions, but I feel like I’m not getting anywhere with him.”
“He’s already said that if we have a second child that we will not be doing any vaccinations. To which I’ve responded that if that’s the case, I guess our baby is going to be an only child.”
“WIBTAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that as long as this was coming from a place of caring for her baby, she was NTA.
“Think about it this way: If your baby gets sick or injured and your husband decided he didn’t trust doctors so he doesn’t want your baby to get any treatment, would you be an AH for taking your baby to a doctor anyway? Obviously not. And it would be your husband who is not just an AH but guilty of child abuse by medical neglect.”
“Vaccination is no different. Your husband wants to abuse your child. Protecting your child from that abuse is not wrong.”
“You are NTA.” – Pandoratastic
“You’re not being unreasonable for wanting to vaccinate your child. It’s a responsible decision backed by science, and it’s important to prioritize your child’s health over unfounded fears.” – Cooltouchx
“You should put the health and well-being of your child first.”
“Call a lawyer.”
“Then get an appointment for vaccinations.”
“I’m not joking about calling a lawyer. People who fall down the conspiracy rabbit hole rarely come back up for the air of rationality. He’s just going to get worse, and before you know it, he’s going to be insisting on the kids drinking raw milk and refusing to let you put on sunscreen.” – LissaBryan
“It’s actually easier to unilaterally secure medical care for your child while still married. Pediatrician offices often require the consent of both parents when there’s a joint custody order, but never ask about the other parent’s consent if they’re still married.”
“If OP doesn’t otherwise want a divorce, she should just stop arguing and secretly get the vaccines done.” – newbeginningshey
“When my wife was pregnant with our first, she had a crackpot doctor who tried to convince her that vaccination was bad for the child. She, for some reason, believed that the doctor was over all of the other doctors/nurses she had.”
“One day she brought it up with me and I told her point blank, ‘They’re going to get vaccinated, if you don’t want to know that’s fine, but I’m going to bring them to be vaccinated with or without your blessing because my child’s life is more important than our marriage.’ She changed her mind pretty quickly.”
“In general, I’m not a very serious person, but I have integrity, and she knew it wasn’t an idle threat. From there, she researched vaccines, talked to other doctors, and came to the conclusion that I was in the right. I think in that moment she gained a respect (and further attraction as a bonus) for me, knowing that I was willing to blow up a life I had built if it meant my child would be healthy.” – Shambud
Others encouraged the OP’s partner to do his research.
“He has an autistic brother and didn’t do the research about autism having a genetic component that he could, in fact, pass to his own children, but wants to die on the anti-vax hill that could potentially save his child’s life?”
“He’s half-baked. But, you need to realize that it’s too soon to tell if your child will have any neurodivergent tendencies, which means he’s going to blame it on the vaccines instead of his genetics. NTA.” – Takeabreak128
“My great-grandma’s cousin got measles encephalitis and, as a result, had a capacity of a two- to four-year-old the rest of her life.”
“Even if vaccines cause autism (they absolutely don’t), most cases of autism are less severe than the damage caused by encephalitis.”
“The problem with anti-vaxxers is they’re all too young to remember how awful these diseases can be. I’ve met very few Boomers who were anti-vax, and the ones that were were born at the very tail end. Never met anyone older than a Boomer who is antivax.” – Best-Put-726
“A colleague of mine’s parents decided not to vaccinate her. After she contracted polio, they were very ashamed of their decision.” – Canadian987
“I’m a Xennial but I had two babies in the PICU with RSV, one who nearly had to go on life-sustaining ECMO. When I saw the first news article announcing the vaccine, I started crying, thinking that other parents and kids wouldn’t have to live the nightmare that we did. And it unfortunately (for the part of me that believes in empathy for others) makes me have no patience for anti-vaxxers.”
“I’ve watched my three-week old baby gasping for a breath of air just before she was intubated, and the doc explained about the different muscle groups associated with breathing and said, ‘She’s exhausted them all, and I’m so grateful your family lives near a Level One children’s trauma center because if you lived out in central Oregon we’d be life flighting her. And if you lived in Central America she’d be dying in your arms.'”
“That hospital stay also galvanized my passion for universal healthcare because we had GREAT healthcare that paid for everything. But I knew how rare that was, having been a kid who grew up with no insurance. I was talking to the child life coordinator one day about that dichotomy and she said, in words I will never forget, “Families don’t say no to that fourth round of chemo for their child. They lose their house.'” – ErrantTaco
“For anyone who wants to try to bring a loved one back into rational thought, find the year vaccines were invented, and find an old local cemetery for children. Have them note the years all these children died, and how they tend to stop right at the year vaccines were invented.”
“If anyone ever wonders if vaccines are safe and effective, the answer is quite literally written in stone.”
“And if that is not enough, if they are too far gone, cut your losses. speak to a lawyer if you need to, and keep your family safe.” – moon_vixen
While it was painful for the subReddit to imagine the OP being married to an anti-vaxxer, they felt she was doing the next-best thing by at least considering vaccinating her child, even if it meant doing it behind her husband’s back.
Vaccinations are meant to make people’s lives easier and prevent them from getting and spreading harmful germs and illnesses, which is vital for babies and young children who do not have that immunity yet. The husband could focus on what he wanted to do with his own body, while the OP advocating for her own, and their child’s.