It's no secret that parenting is hard, and sometimes parents have to do what they have to do in order to care for their children.
But "do what you have to do" absolutely has its limits, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
After a giant spill at her restaurant table, Redditor Apprehensive_Yam7453 made the tough decision to put her toddler on the floor while cleaning up.
But when a server stepped directly over her child, the Original Poster (OP) was certain he was in the wrong, not her.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for complaining (to the manager) about a server who stepped over my child while holding a large tray?"
The OP made a quick decision while cleaning up a mess her toddler made.
"I was at a restaurant last night with my toddler. I was at the restaurant alone (other than my toddler)."
"It was a two-person table with just me and my daughter."
"She spilled her drink, so I had to take her out of the high chair and place her next to me for a moment while I grabbed wipes out of the diaper bag."
"She was admittedly sitting on the ground for that moment because I didn't feel comfortable putting her on a chair by herself."
The OP was appalled by an interaction with a server.
"A waiter was walking with a large tray and very clearly saw my kid."
"But instead of saying, 'Excuse me,' or pausing for a moment to allow me to pick her up, he stepped directly over my kid while holding that large tray."
"I was pretty upset because I saw him put the tray down at a nearby table, and it had several steak knives on it."
"I complained to the manager who seemed appalled that the server would step over a child while holding a tray full of steak knives."
The OP was sure she had done her best.
"My husband said I'm in the wrong because our daughter shouldn't have been on the floor in the first place."
"I agree that typically, a child should never be on the floor of a restaurant."
"But I had to place her somewhere other than the high chair in order to clean up the spill, and she's too little to sit by herself on a chair."
"The server very clearly saw her and made the conscious decision to step over a toddler while holding a tray full of steak knives."
"I very easily could have moved her had he just said something and paused for a few seconds."
"But by the time I was able to react, he had already stepped over her."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP should be grateful something worse didn't happen.
"You should be thankful the server saw your child and stepped over her and not on her or tripped over her while holding that tray."
"YTA. Don't put your kid on the floor." - WaywardMarauder
"It's equally possible the server didn't register the kid was there until it was too late. Tunnel vision when busy is a real thing and even if mom thinks the server saw the kid doesn't mean the server actually did in time to correct." - Agreeable-Tale9729
"He was holding a massive tray, and stopping suddenly would have probably ended worse, so it may have been better to just continue on safely. Nothing even happened! YTA, OP." - katherinemma987
"I once worked at a place that rhymes with Crapplebees, lol (laughing out loud). They have 'sizzling fajitas' that come on exceedingly hot skillets, and I was carrying out two orders."
"A 2ish-year-old came bolting out in front of me from the other side of the bar area, and I had to choose between stopping and likely having those skillets slide off the wooden boards they come on and hitting the kid... or kneeing the kid in the head and continuing on my way to my table."
"I chose option 2. The parents were P**SED, but I literally told them, 'Yeah, that's why you don't let your kid run around a restaurant, you're lucky he's not actually hurt.' YTA, OP." - NancyNuggets
"Stopping suddenly gets you hurt in restaurants and so does backing up, you keep moving forward in loops. It's the law of serving. So is don't kick children, but there's nothing about stepping over them. I lift trays over heads all the time." - Internet_Screaming_8
Others agreed and were insistent the OP was wrong for placing her daughter on the floor.
"She should have used the high chair to keep the baby away from spillable containers."
"Once that failed, if the high chair was too soaked for the baby to stay there, she should have held the baby and let restaurant staff dry up the spill and/or bring another high chair."
"If it was a standard open high chair, she should have left the baby safely strapped in and mopped up the spill, then taken the baby to the bathroom to change into a new outfit, and let the staff dry the high chair or bring a new one."
"Sticking the baby on the floor should never have occurred. Baby could have been badly hurt by being stepped on, or having hot liquid spilled onto the baby." - Sooozn85
"Can confirm, I worked in a busy restaurant for many years in the FOH. You develop the ability to hard focus on what you need while still registering obstacles. I'm sure the server noted something on the floor and just moved over it."
"OP, you're really lucky it wasn't worse. If that server were less experienced, they could have easily tried to stop too quickly and dropped that whole tray on you, your table, or your kid."
"Don't put your kid on the floor in the way, they're not a diaper bag or a purse. Though... I mean, don't put those in the way either, but at least if I kick it, it's not a big deal." - KirinoLover
"Those big trays full of entrées are extremely heavy, and to stop and wait and have to ask someone who clearly saw them coming to move their child is ridiculous."
"She kept saying the server saw her, and he should have asked her to move her baby. But the OP saw him coming, why didn't she grab her child out of the way then? Just extremely entitled of her, wow." - 81darlenia
"Gross, do not put your child on the floor of any public place. Hold your child and clean the spill. We've all had to do it. Wait until you have a second and you are juggling."
"You should have not told on the waiter. He could have dropped the tray on the child after being abruptly stopped. YTA." - Typical-Garlic-7308
"I also don't see why it is such a big deal what the server carried. If they fall while stepping over the child, the knives will fall NOT on the child. They fall behind it. But stopping could cause the knives to land on the child."
"I also never understand parents that put their toddler on the dirty floor, doesn't care they are in the way but they'll raise h**l if someone gets close to the toddler."
"And the server just stepped over. Where is the deal? I don't want to put a child and a dog on the same level but who didn't step over a dog before on a bus or train?"
"Why is a child so much drama? And server really balanced their plates. YTA. So much drama for nothing." - Sheeps_n_Birds
"OP sounds like one of THOSE parents. Overly sensitive, yet somehow blaming all their mistakes on others, taking out what they viewed as a threat but could have prevented on others."
"Wow. Just wow. He stepped over her, OP."
"Her being on the floor was dangerous, probably more so than putting her on the chair for a few moments while you hold her legs and clean up the mess."
"It's all about positioning. You put your daughter in danger, not the waiter. The dude was busy at work, dealing with folks all day."
"You and your kid ain't special. Just another customer. And just because you are a customer doesn't mean he needs to bend over backward just for you."
"You saw him come and didn't move your child. You're a huge AH, OP. But have a great day. Take a nap. Reflect."
"We all make mistakes hun. Just own up to them, and be better. That's all. And how you be better is by thinking about another person's perspective." - icebluemooninthecity
While the OP was furious and insistent that the server should have thought of her toddler before continuing his travels with a large food tray, the subReddit had other ideas.
Not only could the OP have waited to clean up the mess or ask the restaurant employees for assistance, but she also could have placed her toddler on a chair, which arguably would have been must safer than the floor.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp