Scheduling difficulties are an all-too-common challenge these days.
Even with digital calendars and social media omnipresence we still can’t seem to avoid conflicting schedule crises.
Especially for important dates.
What happens when a scheduling conflict comes up for a life-changing event?
This was the problem that brought Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Necessary-Initial-87 to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for outside opinions.
She asked:
“AITA for not attending my sister’s wedding???”
She dove right into the problem.
“My sister’s getting married on the 12th of February.”
“On the same day my fiancé’s sister, who’s also my best friend, is getting married and I’m a bridesmaid.”
“We’ve saved the date for more than a year, since the wedding date was known since last September.”
“My sister on the other hand finalized her wedding date just this week and I found out about it three days ago.”
She explained the situation to her sister.
“I told her I’m sorry but I don’t know if I can attend her wedding since I’ve already made a commitment to my sister-in-law’s wedding.”
“Also I’m not really close to my sister, we respect each other as siblings but we never had a close relationship, I’ve never been that close to my family due to the fact that I grew up in a toxic household and I was always the unwanted child there.”
“I tried not to hold it against them but growing up this definitely defined our relationship and the fact we’re not that close.”
“My fiancé’s family has opened their arms to me for almost a decade and they’ve treated me more like family than my own parents and siblings ever did.”
OP also explained why she felt this was the right course of action.
“For those reasons and the fact that I have already committed to a bridesmaid role for more than a year I won’t be able to attend my sister’s wedding.”
“Now my whole family is holding that against me and they claim my sister should be more important than my SIL.”
“I told them I could attend their wedding for a while when my SIL’s wedding is over but they say I either cancel my plans for SIL’s wedding and exclusively attend my sister’s or I’m not invited at all.”
She was left to wonder if she’d been wrong.
“Now I feel like TA for putting my SIL as a priority over my own family and sister’s wedding.
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for guidance.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:NTA
Some responses offered suggestions going forward.
“NTA, if you give 3 months notice then you can’t expect everyone to be free.”
“You’ve already said you’ll attend your SiL’s wedding so either way you’ll piss family off, unfortunately.”
“My rule is if there are 2 equally important events then the clearest deciding factor is who booked / told me first, then it pushes the issue back on the second organizer”~Urbanyeti0
Others called out the biological family for their poor behavior.
“I wonder if sister and parents already knew about OP’s SIL’s date.”
“If OP’s sister is the golden child and the parents are that kind of awful I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re deliberately giving OP a sh*t test to try and damage her relationship with her in-laws or just some general power play.”
“ETA as per one of OP’s replies:”
” ‘She claims she didn’t know the date but she knew since she was invited to my SIL’s wedding as well as my parents. It’s a lie that she didn’t know. I was the one who gave them their invitation.’ “
“It’s definitely some power-play bullsh*t.”~Cookyy2k
And,
“Yes, I also thought that the family-by-blood did it deliberately, maybe out of jealousy that OP has a loving new family.”
“OP, you know very well which one is your real family.”
“Adults are in the lucky situation that they can choose who is family for them.”
“NTA and stay away from those toxic people.”~silverdeerphoenix
Some of the comments were very direct.
“Oh, come on.”
“She deliberately chose a date she knew you couldn’t make *for a wedding she was also invited to* and she’s angry about it?”
“Sounds like your sister has inherited the toxicity.”
“Tell her you’re really sorry but you’ve made a family commitment.”
“Go be a bridesmaid to SIL, and absolutely don’t leave her wedding early for your sister’s event.”
“And tell anyone from your family that you’re sorry Sister picked a day she knew you couldn’t make, but you’re not holding that against her because you understand how hard it is these days.“~threeforagirl
Or,
“NTA, if your sister cared she would definitely confirm the date with you beforehand.”
“That’s how you arrange events with family members that matter.”
“Doesn’t matter if they should have known due to an invitation, those can be forgotten as it’s not their priority but if your attendance is SO important you should have been a priority and consulted with.”
“It’s not always possible I admit, but she should have asked/known since you are her immediate family, not a cousin, not a friend, but a sibling.”~Latter-Magazine2528
A few commenters encouraged OP to just follow her happiness.
“Would attending your sister’s wedding somehow magically make your family not toxic or not treat you as the unwanted afterthought?”
“No, it wouldn’t.”
“They’re going to continue to treat you horribly no matter what you decide, so you might as well do what makes you happiest.”
“If you go to your sister’s wedding at best you’re probably going to be sitting by yourself somewhere, totally ignored by the rest of the family; at worst you’ll get attention all night with lots of mean looks and rude, judgey comments.”
“They’re not going to be thankful you came or appreciate your presence, so why intentionally make yourself miserable for people who don’t even like you?”
“They just want you there to prove the point that they can still control you and to put on a show of a ‘happy family’ for the wedding guests, nothing more.”
“NTA.”
“Your SIL loves you and is so excited for you to celebrate with her that she has you standing by her side in the ceremony!”
“Go where your presence is actually wanted and have a great time.”~DiligentPenguin16
Scheduling an event can be terribly challenging.
It can be even more difficult when the scheduling is used as a litmus test to prove something to someone else.
Beware of those who treat your life events as signposts on their journey.