Destination weddings are a good choice for couples who want to keep things small. But when the bride and groom expect everyone to make the journey, they’re not the best option.
A sibling dealing with their sister’s wedding choices turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Prof_garyoak asked:
“AITA for declining my sister’s wedding due to poor guest accommodations?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My sister announced her engagement a few months ago. She has only been dating the guy for 9 months at that time. I have only met him twice.”
“My sister wants everyone to go to Florida so they can get married on a cruise ship, then go on a cruise with folks that are willing to the following day. As someone who is unable to cruise and who hates all travel, this is extremely problematic for me.”
“*she scheduled the wedding for a Monday.”
“This means I would have to take two days off of work to attend.”
“*she scheduled the wedding outside of our home state so she could get married on a boat, meaning I will need to spend $500 on plane tickets, and even more on a hotel to get there.”
“*she did not, and still has not directly sent me an invite.”
“She told my grandparents I could help with transportation for them since I am the only family member with a driver’s license and without kids to support, and I got a call from my grandpa asking me to help him with transportation before I even knew there was a wedding.”
“Not only that, but because my grandpa is on dialysis, I will need to stop at a hospital at least once both ways for him to get the care he needs. I feel since this is her wedding, it is her job to find proper care for our grandparents, and that she can’t pawn it off on me.”
“This also makes me feel like I can’t go to the wedding without being guilted about not wanting to help them.”
“*I am autistic and eat a strict diet at very strict times.”
“I have been informed the cruise ship will not allow me to bring any homemade food on board and I will only be able to select food from a small menu which does not meet my needs.”
“If she valued my grandparents being at her wedding, she would have the reception near their hometown. If she valued the rest of us being there, she would have it in the state we all live.”
“I feel like it’s okay to decline, given she is having what is essentially a destination wedding.”
“AITA?”
The OP later added:
“She is having her wedding in a city nobody llives in and is asking everyone to shell out for the cruise, if possible, to have a ‘group vacation’.”
“She is having her wedding on a Monday making everyone take off work, essentially asking all of us to use our limited PTO.”
“She is making her grandparents who need medical care travel across the state.”
“She is having her wedding on a cruise ship where I can’t even bring homemade food to take care of my dietary needs; literally anywhere else would have been fine.”
“If she valued any of us at the wedding, she would have done something different.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I declined my sister’s invitation to her wedding. People may consider me an a**hole because it’s my sister’s wedding, regardless of my reasons why.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Anytime someone has a destination wedding, it’s okay for even immediate family not to come.”
“Those are the rules. The moment literally every single person included needs to travel, and has no options to stay at family’s homes or anything like that. Then you can’t get mad if people can’t make it to your wedding.”
“The only exception to this rule is if the bride and groom are paying for people to either travel, or to have a place to stay.”
“To add on to this, since your sister is having a wedding on a Monday, and not the weekend, not everybody can get off work or can afford to take off work.”
“You are 100% not the a-hole. Just tell people you can’t take off work. Make a big deal of how crazy it is that she’s having a Monday wedding. Say you don’t have time off.” ~ LighthouseonSaturn
“If you are aware that attending puts a burden on the attendee—financial, medical or otherwise; then attendance cannot be expected. If the bride/groom does not put measures in place to help ease those burdens, then they cannot do anything but be understanding if those barriers are insurmountable.”
“I was living interstate from the majority of my family when I got married, and as an immigrant, my husband had many family members overseas. We invited everyone, worked out potential discounts with a nice, but reasonably priced hotel local to the venue; and hoped for the best.”
“Some were able to come, some couldn’t. My grandma and grandad included—the travel was just too much for them.”
“As long as OP makes an effort to look into whether or not they can make it, if it turns out that for whatever reason they can’t get around the issues, they are not the a**hole (NTA) for declining.” ~ rebekahster
“We had a wedding near most of our family, but still a trip for some. We were sad about those that could not attend, but only really upset about one of them—my wife’s brother, my wife attended both of his weddings and he really isn’t that far away.”
“It is perfectly acceptable in the vast majority of cases for people not to travel for these things. NTA.” ~ HaggisLad
“NTA. Even if the bride and groom offer to pay it’s still OK to say no. Financial costs is only part of it. Taking time off work is also a big reason to decline.” ~ ApprehensiveBook4214
“NTA. You tell your grandparents that you are sorry because you don’t know anything about a wedding as she has not reached out and told you nor has she invited you.”
“Then you tell them that now even if she were to invite you you have no intentions of going and give them the reasons if you want to.”
“Then tell them that if she really wanted them there then she would have made sure that they would have transportation and accommodations instead of telling them that you, someone she didn’t even see fit to invite or tell you anything about it, could get them there.”
“‘Well, Grandpa it sure is of the utmost importance to her for you and Grandma to be there considering she told you I could without ever talking to me about it first and inviting me, much less making sure I could/would be there. I love you but this is something you will have to take up with her as I can’t help you’.” ~ TheBlueLady39
“It’s an invitation, not a demand to appear. You can tell her it’s just out of your budget/ability to get time off work/etc…”
“I know she’s your sister, but throwing a destination wedding like this, she has to expect that a lot of people won’t be able to be there. You are NTA.” ~ IamIrene
“NTA. You can’t decline something you’ve not even technically been invited to!”
“Tell your Grandparents that if/when you receive an invite, you’ll be declining, so that if they wish to go, they can make their own arrangements—given that your Grandpa is ill, I find your sister’s expectations on him too high/unreasonable.”
“Destination weddings are always difficult & certainly don’t suit everyone, so it’s OK to not want or not be able to go.”
“If/when you get the invite, reply immediately that you wish the couple well, but that you’re unable to attend. You don’t owe them a paragraph of reasons, it’s better to keep it short & simple.” ~ Separate-Okra-2335
“NTA. It’s very okay for you to decline. Tell your grandparents that you haven’t actually been invited, but if you do get an invitation, you are unfortunately unable to attend.” ~ OkeyDokey654
“NTA for not going on the cruise. That sounds horrible for you. That’s not even the wedding anymore, but a vacation that you don’t want.”
“And it’s totally ridiculous for someone on dialysis to travel for a destination wedding.”
“But it sounds like there are 2 different things—the wedding on Monday, which is held on a cruise ship. And then the cruise leaves on Tuesday ‘with folks that are willing to’, so it does sound like you could separate attending the wedding from being on the actual cruise.”
“As a general statement though, I don’t think that taking 1-2 days off work, buying a domestic plane ticket, and spending 1-2 nights in a hotel for an immediate family member’s wedding is a ridiculous ask, though if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it and it’s 100% OK to decline.”
“The ‘you must shepherd the grandparents around and ensure they get there and back without dying’ is crazy ridiculous though.” ~ Dante2377
“You are NTA to not go. When you eventually get it, it’s an invitation, not a summons.”
“You can decide to attend or not, and if it is not going to work for you, then that’s the answer.”
“It’s also not right for them to expect help with your grandparents, especially when they spoke to them before even having a conversation with you about it.”
“But I do think it’s a bit unfair to say things like if they valued us being there, they would have it in our home state. Their wedding should be about them and what they want.”
“If they do make it harder for some to attend, then they need to understand not everyone will go, but they are not wrong for choosing to have their wedding their way.” ~ One_Comment_8384
“Even if they don’t go on the actual cruise, the wedding itself is on the boat—and they won’t be able to bring any of their own food on board. So for however long the ceremony and reception is, they’ll have to skip eating.”
“Possibly even longer than they’d choose to, I assume, since it’s assumed they’re shuttling the grandparents. If the grandparents don’t want to leave the reception yet, OP is stuck too.” ~ brightshadowsky
All invitations are a request, not a dictate. It’s always OK to say no.