Having a close friend or a family member who is willing to look after one’s kids without having to hire a babysitter is a privilege.
But when that privilege gets taken for granted, what are the repercussions?
Drama was a consequence one woman experienced after confronting the issue, which led her to visit the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment.
There, Redditor BlooregardQKazoo_ asked:
“AITA because my niece overheard me ranting about how I want sister to stop dumping her kids at my house?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My sister (we call each other sisters but are actually cousins/god-siblings) has two young kids. She is very socially active and often needs someone to watch her kids.”
“Since I live nearby and the kids like me, it usually ends up being me, even though she has other options. When I was working at a ‘real job’ she was reasonable: asking if I could watch them, leaving money for food, and picking them up on time, asking only once or twice a month, if that, so I didn’t mind watching them.”
However, the circumstances changed.
“But now that I’m doing art comissions, she views it as me not doing anything. She kept trying to hint to me that she wanted me to watch her kids and I didn’t pick up on it until now because I’m on the spectrum.”
“I don’t understand hints. She pretty much stopped talking to me entirely after that, and bypasses me and asks her brother—my roommate/cousin—to bring the kids over without telling me, sometimes for multiple days.”
The OP continued:
“He leaves the childcare responsibilities to me, saying, ‘that’s what their auntie is for.’ This has been happening every weekend since late May, and it’s now July.”
“Today, I wanted to do my workout downstairs where there’s space, but I heard the kids screaming and assumed they might be staying over without notice again. I was so frustrated, I ranted to my brother while we were in his room, and my niece overheard, which upset her.”
“All I’d said was, ‘and nobody even told me they’d be here!’ Which I’m sure still really hurt. Now, my cousins are mad at me for damaging our relationship.”
“AITA? I plan to apologize to my niece when she’s ready to talk, though I don’t know how to explain something this complicated to a kid.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
‘and asks her brother—my roommate/cousin—to bring the kids over without telling me, sometimes for multiple days. He leaves the childcare responsibilities to me, saying, “that’s what their auntie is for.” ‘
“Nope. If her brother volunteered himself to babysit, that’s fine. But he shouldn’t volunteer OP’s time. I’d refuse to help him. I bet he would volunteer less if he got stuck with the work. NTA” – bythebrook88
“Exactly this. He is the one who agreed to watch them, then he is responsible for them, not you. Make that clear to him and tell him not to guilt you into watching them when you don’t want to. They aren’t your kids, and it’s not your job to raise them.” – gavinkurt
“He’s also literally their uncle. How is OP responsible because she’s an ‘aunty’ but the actual close relative skirts responsibility?”
“NTA OP.” – Catfactss
“OP do you have a relative or friend you can stay with on short notice? Next time she dumps them on him and he expects you to care for them just..leave. have a bag ready and just silently slip out.”
“A weekend or two of solo care from your cousin should get the point across.” – Auroraburst
“Not a good idea to silently slip out..he will assume your watching the kids so he won’t. You’ve left so now NOBODY’S watching them..just say before you leave to him bag in hand I told you I was going to so and so today .so I’ll see ya later ..leave.” – Gumbysfriend
“NTA. The relationship was being damaged prior to this situation by the way you are being treated. There is no communication with you. That’s damaging. There is no consideration of your time. That’s damaging.”
“There’s blame-shifting onto you. That’s damaging. It’s regrettable that your niece overheard your rant, but the rant itself does not need apology if the concerns you were voicing are valid.” – Cultural_Card_2603
“NTA but your ‘sister’ sure is. Commission jobs are real jobs and her acting entitled to you watching her kids is incredibly selfish on her part.”
“Honestly, if this is a repeat issue, then CPS might need to be involved. Dropping children off for multiple days without prior approval from the person watching the kids is child abandonment. This kid doesn’t deserve that and neither do you.” – shesjustbarbie
“NTA.”
“Next time the kids are over just leave. Don’t tell anyone where you are going or for how long. Don’t come back until late. See how cousin likes watching them. You may need to set an early alarm so you are gone before they get up.” – HMS_Slartibartfast
“I was going to suggest the same thing. You did not volunteer, you didn’t know they were coming, just grab your stuff and leave… sticking your cousin/roommates with the babysitting he so graciously volunteered you for.”
“NTA.” – AGirlHasNoGame_
“NTA. It sounds like she’s taking full advantage of the fact that you have more availability than she does and as a result is treating you like a free babysitter.”
“I don’t think what you said was bad, and it’s not as though you knew anyone was overhearing your conversation. Your frustration seems valid to me.” – NukaGrl
“NTA. It’s unfortunate, but you weren’t taking out your frustration on the children, you were discussing it with the other adult in the situation and it sounds like she wandered over to where the conversation was happening, not even that you had purposefully or neglectfully started it within earshot of the children.”
“Mom’s the one who needs to better communicate and arrange for childcare if she can’t be bothered to watch her own spawn, and your cousin/roommate does not dictate your role or your commitments to childcare.”
“You didn’t damage any relationships, you declared a reasonable boundary and mom’s upset that she doesn’t have a free babysitter and has to explain to her child why she can’t be bothered to tend to her own crotch-goblins.”
“EDIT: The fact that you do commissions and essentially work from home is irrelevant. It wouldn’t matter if you literally had no life or work and stayed home all day on disability checks or on someone else’s dime or were a homemaker partner to someone.”
“Childcare duties need to be agreed upon. Your work should be respected, but even IF you had zero work and all the time in the world, your time is still YOUR time.” – neophenx
“NTA.”
“your sister can call herself lucky that you did not call the police / cps and reported the children as abandoned.”
“send her an email / text message / sms and inform her that due to circumstances starting today you will no longer watch her kids without being asked beforehand, and if she drops them off without written consent from you she has 2 options: either pay current babysitter rate + 100% a**hole tax or be prepared to deal with police / cps as you will report the kids as abandoned.”
“as for brother dearest, well, check if he is home and then leave. after you locked your room so he can’t put the kids inside to ‘have some peace’.” – Tessa_Kamoda
“NTA but I think you didn’t say the right thing to your brother. You said ‘no one even told me they would be here’. What you should have said is ‘nobody asked me if I have time to look after them today, which I do not. If you agree to the kids coming over, that means you are agreeing to look after them. If you want me to look after them, you need to ask me before agreeing’.”
“And then either go out and leave them to it or go to your room and get on with your work and every time they come in tell them you would love to play with them at lunchtime or after you finish work at 5pm and to ask their uncle to play/get them a snack etc.” – MummyTapir
“NTA – this might be an AH move but if your sister ever leaves her children without letting you know again I’d report her for abandonment. Now it’s just out of the blue drop offs here and there but if you don’t set boundaries now then it’ll be all the time.”
“I’ve seen posts where members don’t want to cause any conflicts because they’re a people pleaser and ended up sacrificing all of their teenage years and early 20s to look after kids that aren’t theirs because the parents would rather spend their time socialising.” – SweetBekki
Overall, Redditors thought the sister was the one who was out of line by refusing to give the OP the courtesy of a heads-up when planning to drop the kids off with her.
Some Redditors also thought that while the kids overhearing the complaint was unfortunate, there were ways to repair the hurt by having a heart-to-heart discussion that assures the OP truly does enjoy spending time with them and that her unconventional job was just as important as other people’s line of work.
They also suggested that the OP change her living situation with the brother ASAP if he were to continue disrespecting her and shoving all the responsibility of looking after the kids on her.