Some people say family should always help family out, but any good therapist will tell you boundaries are essential for a healthy relationship—no matter if it’s romantic, platonic, professional, or familial.
One boundary more people need to set is one of mutual respect. If someone doesn’t respect you or treats you poorly, you don’t owe them your respect or kindness.
Too often people mistreat others, but still expect everyone to bend over backwards for them.
A brother who set a boundary with his sister turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
TechnicianNo8751 asked:
“AITA for refusing to lend my sister my house for her ‘self-care retreat’ after she constantly criticizes my lifestyle?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (32, male) own a small house in a quiet area where I often go to unwind. It’s my sanctuary even if I don’t live there full-time.”
“My sister ‘Laura’ (30, female) has been going through a tough time and recently decided she wants to host a weekend ‘self-care retreat’ for herself and her friends. She asked if she could use my house for it.”
“It definitely feels more like a party than a self-care retreat.
“Here’s the catch: Laura has always been critical of my choices—like my minimalistic lifestyle, lack of a ‘real job’ (I freelance), and my decision to not settle down or have kids. While I understand she’s struggling, I can’t help but feel like her request comes with an underlying judgment about my life choices.”
“When I told her I’m not comfortable lending my space, she flipped out and accused me of being selfish and unsupportive. She claims that using my house would help her recharge, but I can’t shake the feeling that she just wants to throw a party in my space.”
“Our family is divided—some say I should just let her use the house to help her mental health, while others agree that I shouldn’t be pressured to lend it out.”
“I feel guilty for saying no, but I also want to protect my personal space.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my sister that I wouldn’t lend her my house for a weekend ‘self-care retreat’ because she has been consistently critical of my lifestyle choices.”
“I believe I might be the a**hole because I could be seen as unsupportive during a tough time in her life. My refusal might come off as petty or retaliatory, especially since she’s struggling.”
“I want to protect my personal space, but I also feel guilty for not being there for her. I’m torn between setting boundaries and being a good brother.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. She has no problem looking down on you until she wants something you have. Protect your serene space from her bad vibes.”
“You could explain it to her if you think she could learn and grow, but you’re not obligated to.” ~ Competitive_Cod_3843
“And let’s face it, IF SHE DOESN’T RESPECT OP SHE WILL NOT RESPECT HIS HOME. I’d bet my bottom dollar that OP would come home to a disaster area instead of a house. NTA.” ~ Dewhickey76
“If it was for just herself to relax and feel better, I’d say consider lending it to her to help her recharge, but it seems she just wants to save AirBnB money.”
“Don’t give it, especially since it’s your ‘bad’ traits that pay for this house. Tell her it will harm her recharching process because it is maintained with money from your bad lifestyle choices.” ~ Mysterious-Major6353
“NTA. It’s your home not a vacation rental. I’m sure there are similar spaces she can rent for a retreat without displacing you or invading your space with strangers.” ~ cassowary32
“OP, send her a link to an AirBnb or some other form of rental in the area. Every family member who complains to you has just offered to donate a part of the rent!” ~ Never-Be-Bored
“NTA.This is why hotels, spas, AirBnB’s, and VRBO’s exist. To help people self care in a place not their home if that is their desire. She is just being cheap.” ~ Odd-End-1405
“Plus, in my opinion, if it is over a weekend this could make OP liable for what happens on the property including injury or any damage to his home whereas many of those other places have contracts and insurance specific to rentals and guests. NTA.” ~ sabrina62628
“NTA, and don’t even let her ‘rent’ it from you.”
“As others have said ‘self care retreat for her and friends’ = party. Fine, they can pay to host it elsewhere.”
“If any of your family don’t understand that her criticism about your choices, whilst wanting to take advantage of what they have clearly earned you, is hypocritical, then their opinion doesn’t count. Hold your ground.” ~ TeenySod
“NTA. Assuming you don’t know her friends very well (or at all), you are never the a**hole for telling people they can’t bring strangers into your home.” ~ robopirateninjasaur
“Even if she was your best friend and not at all critical of your lifestyle you have no obligation to let her use your house. NTA.” ~ Adventurous_Crow252
“NTA. She’s critical of your life, until she ‘needs’ something that benefits her life.”
“Why is family even in involved? It’s your home. No means no. No explanation needed.” ~ Traditional-Bag-4508
“NTA—it’s your serene space and you don’t have to share it, I do wonder though would she be willing to do something similar for you? Probably not.” ~ ProfMG
“It’s your house for you to have some peace and quiet away from people. Her having a bender with her friends (okay, assumption from me there) is not the intention of the place.”
“Even if you were to entertain the thought, would she be responsible for cleaning up and ensuring any damages are paid for?”
“You don’t owe a weekend away in your home to your sister and her friends. Clearly your freelancing is paying okay for you to be able to have the space—amazing for ‘not a real job’. And she hasn’t been supportive of you living the way you’re comfortable.”
“NTA. Your home, your choice. You made no promises, owe no favours, aren’t disrupting a tradition (which would still also be okay). She doesn’t even want to be there with you, she wants you to give her use of it for the weekend with her friends.”
“Your sister is selfish and condescending when it suits her. I mentioned taking care of your home above, but do you really trust her with a set of keys for the weekend?”
“Do you want to go in after she’s been there and find empty bottles, takeaway boxes, dirty dishes, unemptied bins, and potentially damaged furniture?”
“If you can’t trust her to respect you and your home, then don’t entertain the thought of saying yes.” ~ TheGingerCynic
The OP provided an update.
“If my family is so concerned, they can offer their space instead. It’s frustrating how quick they are to volunteer my home.”
“It really highlights the inconsistency in their arguments. If they’re so concerned about her well-being, they can step up and offer their space instead.”
“I deserve to protect my space, especially when she’s been critical of my choices. It’s really about setting boundaries and not feeling obligated to accommodate someone who hasn’t respected me.”
“I doubt she would take responsibility if anything happened. It’s too risky to let her use my space, especially with her past criticisms.”
“I genuinely worry that if I let her use the house, it would come back to me in a state that wouldn’t feel like my sanctuary anymore. It’s important for me to protect my space, especially since it’s my escape from everything else.”
“Her reaction to me saying ‘no’ showed me that she wasn’t approaching this with the respect I expected. If she had been more understanding, maybe I would’ve reconsidered, but that’s not how it played out.”
“I can totally see her rearranging everything and claiming it was for my own good. That kind of attitude is just not something I want in my life.”
“If she really wants a retreat, she can find her own space like an Airbnb. It’s not my responsibility to provide her with a venue.”
“There are so many options available for her to have a proper retreat without relying on me. It really does seem like she’s looking for a free option rather than genuinely appreciating my space.”
“It’s frustrating how she can be so critical of me and then turn around and ask for something that benefits her. Family shouldn’t pressure me about this.”
“It’s my home and I’m allowed to say no without needing to explain myself. I really appreciate all your support. It helps me stand firm with my answer.”
“You’re right that I have every right to say no, regardless of our relationship. I need to trust my instincts and not seek validation from others.”
“If relatives judge me, I’ll just shut that down by asking why she isn’t using their home. And yes, it’s clear she’s looking to host a party under the guise of a retreat.”
“I love the idea of turning it back on them and offering to let her know they’re concerned and want to help. I can only imagine the excuses that will come flying in!”
“Setting boundaries is crucial, especially when someone has been judgmental about my choices. It’s not selfish to protect my space and mental well-being.”
“I hope she can eventually understand that.”
“Standing my ground can feel tough, but I know it’s the right choice. Once it’s all settled, I’ll feel so much better knowing I prioritized my own needs.”
“Thanks all for recognizing that—it really helps reinforce my decision!”
It sounds like the OP got the reassurance they needed that it was OK to say no.