Figuring out money dynamics as a couple is not always an easy task. Someone always makes more than the other person, and everyone has different financial habits and priorities.
Redditor skater_dude_717 encountered this very issue with his husband. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for spending 25k on ice skating every year?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“BACKGROUND: My husband (52m) and I (37m) have been together for a little over eighteen years. We’ve been married for eight years. We got married after I got my mental health issues in order (bipolar, OCD, anxiety) and got my first professional job.”
“I’ve always worked, and I have a very strong work ethic, but this job finally offered me a comfortable income. I currently make about 85k. He makes about 70k.”
“ADDITIONAL BACKGROUND: I learned how to ice skate when I was three years old. My parents taught me in a backyard skating rink that my dad built. For years, it was common for me to skate every day during the winter.”
“It was all highly recreational, and as I got older, I begged my parents for figure skating lessons, but they always said ‘no.'”
“Finally, when I was about 12, they finally relented and signed me up for a weekly group lesson. I loved it! But a year later, they decided that it would be better for me to do something a bit more ‘boy-ish’ and signed me up for karate instead, in the hopes it would make me a more confident child.”
“After that, I probably only skated a dozen more times until I became an adult.”
OP explained the current issue.
“Fast forward twenty or so years. I always expressed my love of skating to my husband.”
“Not continuing with my training was a huge regret of mine. And about three christmases ago, wouldn’t you know that he got me a pair of figure skates. It was one of the best gifts I could have received.”
“It killed me to have to wait until new year’s day to go to public skating, but the day finally came.”
“It took me a few minutes to get used to being on the ice again, but I was having fun. But within an hour and a half, I took a bad fall and broke my wrist.”
“I decided that once I healed I would get myself some lessons again.”
OP went all in.
“I started with group lessons but quickly found a coach for private lessons. I worked with her several hours a week.”
“At this point, I work with a different coach, and I’m doing seven hours of lessons each week, and I’m skating on my own for an additional seven hours.”
“This is quite expensive, obviously.”
“I calculated what I’m spending, and it’s easily 25k per year. This includes lessons, ice time, competitions, costumes, and skates.”
“My husband wants me to spend 15k less, but I’m not willing to compromise for a bunch of reasons: skating helped me quit smoking; it has relaxed my mental health issues to the point that I no longer require medication; and I’m progressing quickly.”
“I’m old for a figure skater, so I only have a few more years to reach my goals. I’m on way way to being a great skater.”
“The rest of my money goes to things like car payment, vacations, misc. bills. I give my husband about $600 monthly to save. He handles all the regular living expenses.”
“He keeps reminding me that I’m selfish and need to contribute more, but because of the above reasons, I’m not willing to budge, even though I’m pretty sure IATA.”
“What’s the verdict?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were conflicted about who was at fault.
“So, a 35 year old got together with you (19 year old) who also had mental health issues. Not the age difference, but the timing of the difference — nineteen is barely and adult. There’s a big difference between a teenage 19 and an adult 35, and even a 25 year old and 41 year old. Add to that diagnosed mental illness.”
“Now your partner is now surprised that you feel you’ve missed out on a lot of things from youth, and thinks you’re being selfish?”
“Really?”
“NTA” ~ RubbishBinGuy82
“OP already contributes to the bills, well, paid off his student loans, car payment and makes more money now. His partner wants to put that 15K into savings — (probably because he is 16 years older and is worried about his retirement)”
“NTA — OP should live out his dreams while he can with his expendable income. It’s a crazy amount, but people spend that on cars, vacations, and even stupider things like Beanie Baby collections.” ~ Noelscat
“OP contributes >75% less and is spending their money recklessly.”
“The husband is super sketchy, but the whole situation is.”
“Ultimately, OP is being selfish and did still agree to the relationship.” ~ ImportantDoubt6434
People were more focused on the age gap between OP and their husband.
“INFO”
“Why was a 35 year old dating a 19 year old?” ~ GoldenNebulas
“I literally sat here and did the math before reading the rest of the post because that was just tooooo big a number for those ages to have been together lol” ~ Scanty_and_Kneesocks
“I think it’s more a stage of life thing. When I was a senior in undergrad I went on a date with a freshman and I still feel uncomfortable remembering it.”
“Like, not that I did anything I shouldn’t, it just was not a balanced situation. He was plenty nice and probably uncommonly mature for his age, but he was also so new to having independence and not especially experienced with dating either.”
“I suspect a relatively naive 21 year old would feel totally comfortable with a very-independent 19 year old, but if the teenager has never lived away from home or had a serious relationship, then even a 21-year-old might feel uncomfortable.” ~ littlefiddle05
“I’m 28 and can’t even imagine going for anyone under 25. I have nephews and nieces that are 20. Completely different generation and mindset.” ~ whyagaypotato
At the end of the day this is a larger conversation about their finances as a couple.