Keeping up with expenses as an adult seems like an impossible task. Affording each and every thing at exactly the right time is probably just not going to happen.
Mistakes will out and credit will get messed up. It’s just the way things are right now.
Add a baby into the mix and then things start getting dire.
Redditor Throw_A3632ESD4 found this out firsthand when she realized she may have to cut some things originally thought of as essential in order to keep her family’s head above water financially.
After a rather unfavorable suggestion by her husband, she went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” for feedback from objective strangers:
“AITA for lashing out at my husband for suggesting I stop buying formula instead of cancelling his streaming services to save money?”
Our original poster, or OP, set the stage wherein the financial troubles began.
“I’m (f[emale]32) the breadwinner and have a toddler and a 9 month old baby. Their needs are neverending and everything I buy is expensive.”
“My husband (m[ale]37) is unemployed but uses part of my salary for his subscribtion/paid streaming services which cost about 80+ a month for Hulu (premium) Netflex, HBO, Amazon,ESPN+ and more.”
“I keep finding myself coming up short with money. I kept neglecting buying hygiene products and have only one pair of shoes that look decent.”
“I can’t remember the last time I bought anything nice for myself and keep feeling guilty just thinking of going shopping for stuff that is necessary.”
“I sat him down for a discussion and told him his subscriptions are taking money I can’t keep paying for them when I have other responsibilities.”
His response to this discussion was, erm, immature at best.
“I asked him to choose one channel and he threw a fit calling me ridiculous to think streaming services are the reason I’m always short on money and blamed it on the ‘expensive’ and ‘unneccessary’ makeup he calls it ‘fakeup’ I keep wasting money on.”
“I got angry and said he needed to respect that makeup is part of my personality and won’t quit buying and wearing it.”
“He said that I was trying to financially control him since I got offended when he pointed out that I waste money on makeup and explained that he can not and WILL NOT be bought with money no matter how desperate he is.”
“I said ok then let me cancel all streaming services and keep one til he can pay for them once he finds a job but he refused and said since he’s the stay-at-home parent then those streaming services are a right and not a privilege.”
“And I should keep paying for them without complaining since he’s staying with our sons all day and it’s taxing just like my job.”
And then he really crossed the line.
“Final straw was when he suggested I stop buying formula and go back to breastfeeding since that is unnecessary and expensive.”
“I was floored and was seething I lashed out at him asking him if he literally thought cancelling formula is better than his precious subscriptions.”
“Also I work I have no time to breastfeed. He just said he doesn’t know what it is anymore and that I was pushing him but I told him he no longer has the choice and I’ll just stop paying for all his channels/subscriptions altogether which had him reply that I was being unfair and un-appreciative of his efforts.”
“He stormed off after calling me controlling and kept cold shouldering me. AITA?”
“He left his previous job due to issues with his employer. He struggled with finding a job in his field and refused to work in other related fields saying his dignity won’t let him since he worked hard for his degree.”
“My makeup gets replaced every few months. It normally cost 50+ but that’s every few months not every month.”
“I stopped breastfeeding for health issues and now work but he never stopped criticizing my decision to use formula calling it waste of money when I could push past the pain and provide our son with real benefits.”
“I still do the majority of work around the apartment.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors suggested OP throw out the entire husband and his entitled attitude along with him.
“Chore strike? Most people like this never change. At most, they might pretend to for a few days or weeks, then they’re back at it.”
“They have core character flaws, and you need to really WANT to change them, and even then it’s hella hard.”
“More so when the flaws involve selfishness, entitlement and a heaping dose of misogyny.”
“OP needs to quietly and quickly move her money into new accounts in HER name only (assuming they have any joint ones), cancel any joint credit cards, and get her payment information removed from HIS streaming accounts.”
“Then she needs to kick his sorry a** to the curb.”-Suspicious_Soul
“I was a SAHP. I did everything to do with inside the house (except painting ceilings and changing smoke detector batteries waaay up high.)”
“As well as most yardwork and childcare and he worked long hours and earned a damned good living. It was a partnership. This does not sound fair. NTA.”-Knitsanity
“I’m a WAHM with an extremely flexible job. I do everything in the house except maintenance stuffs, cook dinner, and pick up the shopping.”
“(I do it online, he picks up. Except Costco, where he has to physically be.) He drops the kids at school.”
“I give our son his morning and afternoon pills, husband does bedtime. In the winter, I do most of the shoveling. In the summer, I do most of the yard work.”
“That is reasonable. I stay part time flexible because my son has some extra needs that work better if I’m always able to go to the school for him at the drop of the hat.”
“I’m wondering wtf OP’s husband brings to the table. And the suggestion that she drop formula and relactate?”
“Pfft, he needs to GTFO with that shiz. I’m astonished at the audacity of him suggesting that they risk the baby going without instead of looking for things around the house to destash on Facebook to generate a little extra help for incidentals. Dude is lazy AF.”-ClothDiaperAddicts
“If he can’t do basic chores, he also can’t complain when he loses all his streaming services. He needs to do WAY more to justify his continued presence in the relationship than whatever these ‘efforts’ are he thinks you’re not appreciating.”
“I also think you need to cancel the services because if he has trouble entertaining himself during the day, maybe he’ll consider becoming a contributing member of society again, instead of being a drain on your emotions and resources.”
“In your situation I would be livid that he has the gall to sit at home on his ass watching TV and not doing chores, and then criticizes you for making hard financial choices.”
“He sounds like a complete waste of space who’s going to be an irresponsible nightmare to coparent with, let alone be married to.”
“I’m just saying: a housecleaning service and a good vibrator would do far more for you than he ever has.”-FeuerroteZora
And everybody agreed the husband was doing nothing but being insulting.
“Okay, let me get this straight. You’re the breadwinner, he’s the SAHP. Fine so far. But why does he need 5+ streaming channels if he literally works at home to keep the home tidy, everyone fed and the children taken care of?”
“He shouldn’t have the time to need them all. How well does he even take care of your sons? This might seem like I’m reaching, but, well, he really seems to spend more time with his channels than his children.”
“Which is not acceptable for a SAHP, if you ask me. I think it’s time you give him a surprise visit when he doesn’t expect you and check on your children.”
“If you cannot do it, ask a close friend or family member that you can trust with your keys. Because something doesn’t add up here.”
“On a second note, when money is tight, luxuries need to go first. And I’d see (too many) streaming channels as well as (semi-)expensive make-up equally as luxuries.”
“However, formula for your youngest is non-negotiable. That’s a need, not a luxury. The alternative – if it was even possible – would be for you to quit your job to breastfeed.”
“However, that will only exacerbate your monetary struggles. Also, who is in control of your finances? Are you sure your husband isn’t spending or taking money he shouldn’t?”
“I know you didn’t give me a single reason to suspect this, but is behavior is so far out of the norm (including his narc traits) that I’m not sure he doesn’t do anything to keep you struggling. Either way, NTA.”-melympia
“Is he unemployed because he is looking for a job and can’t find one, or because you both agreed that he would be the stay at home parent?”
“Also, it really sounds like his current ‘job’ of sahp is a VERY thin excuse from him seeing as you do most of the house work AND it appears you do a majority of the household shopping.”
“His claim of financial control because you asked him to cut back on his services is a bit extreme/dramatic.”
“Yes, he may be bored at home and not having ANY human interaction outside of babies all day is extremely isolating and difficult.”
“However, he is very mistaken in thinking that asking to cut back even $30-50 in streaming costs per MONTH is unreasonable and controlling.”
“As someone else mentioned, you’re a family, a unit, you need to make equal sacrifices, and it feels like you’re already making mover sacrifices than he is.”
“Also, make up is very much part of culture and heavily implied as being part of the ‘professional look’ in the work place, so I really don’t blame you for feeling that it is a necessary burden to the bills each year (especially considering you are not only the breadwinner of the family, but the sole provider).”
“Eta: he’s a jerk for asking you to start breast feeding again when he knows it but you and (whether he knows it or not) that it doesn’t mean you can just go right back to breastfeeding a fully developing child immediately.”-mayanpapayan
“NTA. Subscriptions are want not a need. To be fair. So is makeup. As a total makeup addict myself. I get it.”
“But at the end of the day if you can’t pay your bills and provide for your children Somethings got to give. If that means going down to one service and going on a low buy/no buy for makeup. So be it.”
“BUT in terms of the formula comment. Completely out of line. 100 percent I don’t know why he’d ever think that’s a good idea.”-stalefuzzball85
“NTA and stop giving him unlimited access to the bank accounts. Tell him it is high time he gets a job and starts donating to the family funds if he is insistent on his precious streaming services.”
“And if he refuses, open up an account with your name only, have all your income deposits transferred to the new account and then deposit his ‘allowance’ into the one he has access to.”
“Then call a marriage counselor immediately, and tell him that your continued marriage depends on him going. If he refuses even that, you need to call a divorce lawyer and start getting things set up.”
“Keep all records of everything he has and does do, including his demand that you stop buying formula for your child so that he can laze around home and watch tv all the time.”-SayerSong
“NTA – but that’s not why I’m replying. I want to talk about your streaming services. Do you have any friends or family that can split that cost with you by sharing logins?”
“At my house, we pay for Netflix, YouTube Premium, and Disney Plus, meanwhile we have family that pay for Paramount +, Hulu, and Amazon Prime.”
“Most of these services have a user select screen when you open the app. So my family and I just share the logins for all of these services and we’ve set up profiles on them.”
“Each person in the group pays for 1-3 streaming services, but everyone in the group gets access to all of them. Might be worth looking into for you.”-ManWithPets
And most people were advising OP to cut him out—trim the fat.
“Nta and leave this man. He’s horrible, he doesn’t parent your children, he makes your job as a woman, a parent, and a person in general more difficult.”
“Do not pay for anything for him and if he complains then tell him to get a job. You are not his cheque book.”
“You are the breadwinner and the parent here so you need to step up because not only is it unfair to you, it’s unfair to your children.”
“So start being the parent they need because he’s clearly neglectful in both parental duties and husband duties.”
“Why do you need a third fully grown child? Especially one who would rather risk your health for his own entertainment?”
“Leave before your children pick up on his behaviour and model it in their own lives.”-TiredofBSRoommate
“I have Hulu, netflix, prime, HBO, and Disney. I’m a SAHM. My husband does zero chores inside the house and I cook dinner 4/5 nights a week and he cooks on the weekends.”
“If our finances were tight, streaming would end first. I would never vindictively suggest we take something from our kids so I can still have something to watch when they go to bed.”
“I’m also super excited to get out and get a job with adults some day when these little people are in school.”
“This will free up pressure on my husband as well as give us a little more breathing room, and I’m happy to provide it. Your husband is TA. You are NTA.”-MerryE
“NTA. That’s a lot of streaming for one modest income. If he’s staying home, his duties should be clearly defined by both of you, so you don’t get upset by things he doesn’t think are his job.”
“Your income is the household income – so it goes to family needs (food, shelter, utilities, clothing) before personal wants.”
“We went down to one part time income for a month ever so often. Thankfully we get some notice when the big paycheck is getting held up (government budget issues).”
“We cut down to one streaming service as it’s our only TV/Entertainment. Bills get paid first, no new clothes, eat in and meal plan all meals.”
“The difference is BOTH of us sat down and discussed the budget, what we could afford and what we could not.”
“As for him saying you should go back to BF, that’s ridiculous. If it caused you pain, it’s not working for you or your family. Why does he want you in pain, so he can keep his ESPN?”-EquivalentTwo1
OP has a choice to make here—continue on this way as she has with her husband or make some big changes that could very well rock the boat on their marriage.
Hopefully the option she chooses is more painless than it might appear.