Sharing a living space comes with plenty of challenges. A frequent source of conflict is household chores.
The division of labor is rarely fair.
A roomate turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict over the cooking and cleaning with their apartment mate.
Djivee asked:
“AITA for going off on my roommate for trying to treat me like a housewife?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (22, male) have been living with my roommate, we’ll call him Jesús (23, male) for about a year now. We met while working together at Home Depot and hit it off so well that we decided to move in together.”
“I’m gay, and Jesús is straight, and we’ve always had a great friendship. I’m naturally a tidier person, so I usually end up doing most of the cleaning around the house.”
“Since I get home from work earlier than Jesús, I sometimes cook extra for him, but I never thought much of it. However, things have taken a turn lately.”
“Jesús has started to expect me to always have the house clean and a hot meal ready for him when he gets home. When I don’t, he gets angry and starts acting like it’s my job.”
“I shrugged it off at first, thinking he was just having a bad day, but it kept happening.”
“Things came to a head last weekend.”
Jesus recently got a girlfriend, and we were all hanging out—me, my boyfriend, and Jesús’ girlfriend. When Jesús came home from work that night and saw that there were a couple of dirty dishes in the sink and the house wasn’t entirely clean, he went ballistic.”
“Jesús yelled at me ‘Why the hell isn’t the house clean? And why you ain’t cook nothing?’. I was taken aback. I told him ‘We’re all just hanging out, and there are only a few dishes. You’ve got two hands, use them if you care so much’.”
“He got even angrier and said ‘It’s not my job to clean up your mess. You’re home all day, you should’ve done it’. I snapped and told him ‘First off, I’m not home all day. I work too. Secondly, You’ve got a girlfriend now, ask her to cook for you?’.”
“Jesús’ girlfriend looked embarrassed, and my boyfriend was visibly uncomfortable. After that I said ‘I’m not your f**king housewife, Jesús. And I’m not going to let any man that I’m not f**king treat me like one. You’re a grown a** man, do your own damn chores’.”
“We argued for over 10 mins, and Jesús kept insisting that since I’m the one who’s usually home first, it’s my responsibility to keep the place clean and cook. I told him he’s being stupid and that this arrangement isn’t working if he’s going to treat me like his personal maid.”
“So, AITA for going off on my roommate for trying to treat me like a housewife?”
The OP added:
“I want to clarify when I mentioned that Jesús could have asked his girlfriend to cook for him; it wasn’t about expecting her to take on the role of cooking simply because she’s a woman. The point was that Jesús had made it clear he wanted someone else to do the cooking and cleaning for him.”
“Given that he was expecting me to fulfill that role and getting angry when I didn’t, it seemed logical to point out that his girlfriend, who was already there, could help him out if he needed it. I was challenging his entitlement and unrealistic expectations, not about assigning traditional gender roles.”
“I firmly believe everyone should be responsible for their own chores and cooking, and no one should expect others to do it for them without mutual agreement, regardless of gender.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I went off on my roommate, Jesús. I told him he was treating me like a housewife.”
“I might be the a**hole because I blew up at him instead of addressing the issue calmly and earlier on, potentially straining our friendship and living situation.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Your roommate sounds entitled…time to find a new one.” ~ Reddit
“Entitled? More like unhinged and abusive. I hope his girlfriend is paying attention and planning on leaving that relationship sooner rather than later. NTA.” ~ KeyGate1104
“NTA. I’ll second this one. The roommate will most definitely expect the same behavior from a girlfriend or wife. She has witnessed the behavior already.” ~ Sammakko660
“I had a similar problem with a roommate. I left for work earlier than she did (by several hours) so, naturally, I was home from work before her. And she started to act a bit like Jesús.”
“I reminded her that we both are gone the same number of hours each day, just at different times. So my being home earlier does not equate to me doing more chores.
“I asked why she doesn’t get up when I leave in the morning and spend those 2 hours cleaning.”
“We did work it out and came to an arrangement that was fair for both of us. But that is because we were able to talk it out as opposed to Jesús who is loud and violent.” ~ One_Ad_704
“NTA in any way possible. I—also an openly gay man—had a friend that I had to cut contact with because it was a similar situation. We weren’t roommates, but he would treat me like a housewife situation when I’d stay over at his place.”
“It got to the point where I left a shopping aisle while on a phone call, and he came to the other aisle visibly pissed off and started screaming at me to not leave him alone in random aisles. That was a big yikes for me, and I pulled the plug on that friendship very fast.”
“Honestly, it’s ultimately your decision what you choose to do, but for your own mental health and well-being I don’t think this living situation is helping you in any way. It’s not your job to be making his meals or cleaning the house, and I stand by your ‘if I’m not fcking you, you don’t get to treat me like that’ because same!”
“Hopefully, you both can have a conversation, and it is able to remain calm and collected, but personally, I think you’re better off maybe looking for a different living arrangement or vice versa and having him do that.”
“It seems like it’s only gonna escalate from there and that’s not fair to you.” ~ SeparatePrior8189
“NTA, and I’d be looking at this girlfriend and saying ‘This is what you’ll be signing up for, hon. Best consider the future now’.” ~ wanderingstorm
“NTA. This hateful disrespectful guy needs to move out.” ~ OriginalAd326
“Move out. You made the mistake of taking on more of the cleaning than Jesús and offering up food, etc…”
“But NTA because he should not have started taking your generosity for granted and being disrespectful.” ~ hadMcDofordinner
“Dude is weird. Who expects their roommate to do all the cooking and cleaning‽‽”
“I’ve had roommates plenty of times and everyone was responsible for their own messes. As for daily/weekly chores, those were divided up evenly.”
“Dude’s gonna be expecting you to do his laundry soon.”
“NTA, I’d try to move out at this point. Sounds like a craptastic roommate I wouldn’t want to bother with.” ~ Due-Commission2099
“NTA. Jesús was treating you like a maid/cook he employs but with less respect. Maybe he should find a place to stay that offers maid service since he’s so entitled and nasty.
“You said nothing that Jesús didn’t need to hear. Good for you.” ~ Global_Look2821
“NTA, your roommate is. He saw that you were willing to be nice to him and share food, etc… and he took advantage of you and is upset you are now realizing it.”
“He is an adult who apparently can’t take care of himself. He is not entitled to your time, your food, or your effort for a home when he is not doing his part.”
“You were compatible when you did all the nice things for him, but now he’s mad. I would look into your lease contract and get out of the situation ASAP.”
“Whether it is not renewing or kicking him out, whatever you have to do, his friendship was conditional to what you did for him, and that is no longer your friend.”
“Also, you are a lovely human for saying it in front of the girlfriend, and I don’t mean that sarcastically. You probably helped her dodge a bullet.” ~ Bewitched_Nerd510
“NTA. You or he need to move out. He’s taking advantage of you and being a massive a**hole about it.” ~ CyberCooper2077
“NTA Jesús is delusional if he thinks who gets home first must cook and do the housework. Get a new roommate ASAP!” ~ Infamous_Ninja_6158
It sounds like most people think this isn’t a situation OP and Jesús can’t come back from.
Finding a new living arrangement was the most common response.
Hopefully, the OP will find a more peaceful home soon.