Every child sometimes feels that they are not getting as much attention from their parents as their siblings are. Sometimes, they even worry that one of their siblings is the clear "favorite."
Most of the time, this is pure neurosis.
In certain unfortunate situations, however, their fears have sometimes proven true.
Redditor Playful_Role8039 always felt as if her parents always prioritized her older sister.
Having finally had enough, the original poster (OP) confronted her parents about this issue in a very public manner.
A move that was not at all appreciated by the OP's parents.
Having some doubts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for bringing attention to my parents favoritism of my sister in a public way?"
The OP explained why she felt compelled to publicly call out her parents:
"My parents have my sister Amy (17 F[emale]) and me (15 F)."
"They always liked Amy more."
"I'm not sure why."
"I don't know if I'm not their real kid or if they only wanted one kid and I ruined everything, but they pay so much attention to Amy, show her so much love, support her in everything, and I get nothing from them."
"My support comes from a couple of extended family members and friends and friends and parents."
"Examples: Amy, since she was in elementary school, got to pick what summer camp she went to, and she never got told no for where she wanted to go."
"I was never given a choice."
"Some years I went to the local free one during the day and other years I went to no summer camp at all."
"When Amy turned 8, she got a bedroom makeover and was given her own TV, a cool new bed, a desk space, and a new computer, and they put a mini fridge in it, all in pink to match her favorite color."
"I still don't have any of that stuff."
"The laptop I'm using now was a gift from a family member."
"When I turned 8, I was given used dolls from the thrift store that were from the dollar store (I saw them enough times to remember)."
"Some were even broken with missing limbs or hair half pulled out."
"My parents will buy Amy pizza or Taco Bell as a treat for 'being a good daughter' and 'being their special girl', and it happens at least 3 times a month where she gets it just because."
"I never get it just because."
"I don't even get it for doing good on a test like she would."
"They spoil her whenever she does good in a test."
"I never get spoiled."
"They told Amy they have money saved for her future."
"They never told me that."
"I brought it up to my parents before, but they brushed me off, even when I cried."
"My mom told me to stop being so childish."
"That's why when my parents had a party Saturday for Dad's birthday, and they started boasting about Amy and how great her grades were, I kind of lost my temper and asked about me."
"I pointed out my grades were actually better than hers."
"But they never talk about me like that."
"I asked why they only talk about Amy."
"Why is she their favorite."
"Why don't they care more about me."
"My uncle (dad's brother) said out loud that I have a point."
"But stuff got awkward after and my parents yelled at me for doing that."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community firmly held the OP's back and agreed she was not the a**hole for calling out her parents at her father's birthday.
Everyone agreed that the OP's parents needed to finally listen to what the OP was trying to tell them, with some even going so far as to call their behavior towards the OP abusive.
"NTA."
"Not only are you not the a-hole here, your parents definitely are, sorry."
"This is not your fault and it's nothing you deserve."
"A lot of parents have favorites, but most of those have the decency not to be obvious about it."
"Some families go through cycles where one kid is the golden child; others take turns."
"Find your strength, love, connection, and belonging in other areas."
"You need those to grow and be strong for the remaining years you are with them."
"And try not to let it sour your relationship with your sister if you can."
"If you can't, at least acknowledge that it wasn't her fault but theirs."
"More unsolicited advice: try not to let their bad parenting make you a bad person."
"Some people never get over this stuff and it can make them more likely to engage in risky behavior (drinking, drugs, sex with inappropriate people, etc.), thinking 'if I don't matter to them, I don't matter to me'."
"Check in with yourself, and if you see self-negativity, pull it out and remind yourself that you deserve as much love as the next kid, and you still do."
"Definitely write down all the examples you can think of -- dates, times, who was present, whatever."
"Narrative therapy can help solidify details outside your head, getting it out of your system and onto the page."
"But don't destroy it."
"One day, it might be valuable to you to keep faith with your young self, to have a record of the truth if they ever claim you are exaggerating."
"I'm also not joking when I say this is fodder for future work: adult reflection, therapy with a pro, or literally writing a novel or performing stand-up comedy."
"Always keep the receipts. If your parents ever turn to you for help, you can remind yourself whether you want to put them in a nice retirement community or the kind of raisin ranch that shows up on 60 Minutes -- or simply tell them to ask the daughter they invested themselves in."- Ladiesbane
"NTA."
"When you're an adult and ready to leave, don't look back."
"Go NC with them and have a great life without them."
"And if they see how successful you are and ask for a handout, tell them you have nothing to give to them."
"That's me being petty, but they don't deserve it."
"INFO: what is your relationship like with your sister?"
"You don't mention it, but does she act like a spoiled princess and bully you, or does she see that she's more favored and try to make it up to you?"- VehicleCreepy806
"NTA."
"I don't know what is going on with your parents, but this is definitely a form of abuse."
"Make sure to talk to someone at your school about this, like a counselor, they might be able to help you get some help, especially with planning your financial future with regard to education."-DutchDaddy85
"NTA."
"They're overdue for public exposure for private abuse."
"They're the ones who introduced the subject of grades."
"All you did was reveal the truth."
"They're angry because they lack any acceptable excuse."- extinct_diplodocus
"NTA."
"I was prepared to dismiss your complaint, but it sounds serious: do you really have no college fund or bedroom furniture while she does?"
"Do they really never praise your grades or reward you in a comparable way to sister?"
"If so that is bizarre and inappropriate."
"Maybe discuss with the uncle who thinks you have a point unless your parents are willing to listen again and hear you out."
"Good luck!"- PracticallySkeptic
"NTA."
"It's called the golden child and scapegoat dynamic in psychology."
"It's a known phenomenon with no specific trigger."
"Sometimes it's about half siblings or step-siblings."
"Sometimes it's about the scapegoat being an oops baby or because the parents had gender disappointment and put all their issues on the child."
"Sometimes it's just that the parents are narcissistic."
"You need to go to outside trusted adults like your uncle or grandparents and explain exactly what's going on in the household including the bullying you described in another comment."
"Start doing research and making plans based on not having your parents' support in the future."
"Heck, if you can get emancipated with the help of relatives, that will go a long way to helping you to get funds for college."
"FAFSA uses your parents' income until you're about 24 unless you can prove you're not connected to them such as with an emancipation ruling."- Silaquix
It must have been pretty humiliating for the OP's parents to be so publicly called out like they were.However, their humiliation is likely only a fraction of how humiliated and insignificant the OP has felt her entire life.
True, the OP's parents weren't exactly wrong that her behavior was "childish."
Specifically, because she is a child, a child who's reached an age where they need a bit extra love and protection. Both things the OP's parents seem shockingly unwilling to give.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.