In the Bible’s New Testament, 1st Timothy, Chapter 6, Verse 10 begins with:
“For the love of money is the root of all evils…”
But the oft quoted partial Bible verse is usually shortened even further to just “money is the root of all evil.”
Verse 11 urges people to—instead of pursuing money—to pursue, “righteousness, devotion, faith, love, patience, and gentleness.” Because Verse 10 isn’t an indictment of money, but rather a condemnation of a single minded focus on acquiring more money while neglecting more important concerns.
A woman dealing with end of life decisions turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her decision about what to do with her money when she walks on.
Exotic_Shock_4799 asked:
“AITA for not leaving my estate to my severely disabled brother?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (33, female) received a terminal diagnosis earlier this year. I’ve got a couple of years at best estimate to get everything in order before I won’t have the cognitive ability to do so anymore.”
“I’ve been working with a lawyer and an end of life care social worker to make sure everything will go as smoothly as possible and my wishes will be respected.”
“I also have a complicated family situation.”
“My parents were never married and my dad died when I was 12 of the same condition I now have. He never married, so all his assets were put in a trust for me by my grandparents.”
“My mom married after they broke up and had my half-brother (26, male). He is severely mentally disabled. He’s a 7-year-old in a grown man’s body and even with all the resources they can get, he’s very difficult to care for and my mom and stepdad barely get by most of the time.”
“They tried really hard to get legal control of my trust when I was living with them, but couldn’t. I help out some when things are really hard, but I feel like my mom treats me like an emergency fund rather than her daughter and my stepdad has been bitter about the financial stuff since even before my dad died.”
“My dad was very successful and his family is well off. I don’t talk to either of them about my life, because they always get passive aggressive and guilt-trippy.”
“I’ve been trying to talk more with my mom now that I know I’m on borrowed time. We’ve never had a great relationship, but I wanted to try and resolve some of it.”
“She’s been much nicer to me and more concerned since the diagnosis, so I thought it was OK to open up a bit. I didn’t want her to be blindsided or feel like she has to take on anything since I’ve appointed another family member to be my medical and financial power of attorney (POA), so I talked to her recently about my plans.”
“I told her that I know my half-brother is a full-time job, so I’m having other people take care of my care so she won’t be burdened.”
“She was thankful for that, but then brought up how she always hoped that I would be the one to make sure my brother was taken care of when she was gone and that in a way I still would be. She would put whatever I leave behind into his care fund and would make sure he knows it’s from his big sister.”
“This is where I might be the a**hole.”
“I’m not leaving anything to my mom or brother. I don’t have kids, but I have been the favorite ‘auntie’ to my best friend’s two children for their entire lives.”
“They are the light of my life, and I spend a lot of time with them. My BFF and I have been through a lot together.”
“She and her husband have been the ones going with me to appointments and letting me crash in their spare room when I was too sick from meds to be home alone. Whatever is left over after I’m gone, is going to the kids for college.”
“I know it’s money that could secure better care for my half-brother and take some of the load off my mom, but I feel like I want to help someone else now.”
The OP later added:
“To answer a couple of questions:”
“(a) I am not at all close to my half-brother. I didn’t really meet him until my dad passed, and the 6 years I spent around him were painful and frightening. I haven’t seen him in person in 15 years.”
“It’s not clear that he even understands that he has a sister or what that means, and I would be really surprised if he remembered me at all. So, it’s not that I don’t care—I care to the same extent that I would about the welfare of any random mentally disabled stranger.”
“I just don’t have any special interest or warm family feelings about him because we share DNA. I’ve also already put a lot of money into helping my mom stay solvent to care for him, so there’s an argument to be made that he’s already received a reasonable share of benefit in life.”
“As much as my mom refuses to believe it, I would never have accepted legal responsibility for him after her death. His dad has family that could step in if they were willing.”
“(b) I am working with a good team already to get things in order. My estate lawyer is very good at his job, and he and my financial advisor are prepared to firmly lock down everything once I’ve made the final decisions about where my assets should go.”
“I trust my executor. So, that side of things and the medical and logistics planning is being well taken care of, don’t worry. I just have to make a few hard decisions that I didn’t expect to ever have to make.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I’ve had a good career and fortunately never had to touch most of my trust, so when medical bills and everything are settled, there should be a lot left to pass on.”
“It could set my brother up to be cared for a good chunk of his life after my mom dies or is too old or disabled to continue. That would take a lot of pressure off of her and my stepfather.”
“Leaving the money to two kids I’m technically not related to instead could make me an a**hole.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“First, I just want to say I am very sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and I am glad to hear you have a team of professionals helping you to make the transition easier. That is never an easy thing to hear or process, so please be kind to yourself and know it’s okay to have a range of emotions regarding this news.”
“You are NTA at all. It sounds like your close friends have really been your support network through this and are going to continue being your support network. That is wonderful to have friends like that.”
“Your estate should go to to whomever you want it to go to. Everyone seems to think there is this unspoken rule that family must be taken care of first-but what they don’t realize is family isn’t just about blood relations.”
“Family is what you make of it. Your friend and their two children have been your family and support so of course you want to ensure they are taken care of. A college trust is an amazing thing to leave for them and it sounds like they will be grateful.”
“Please don’t give in to your mom and stepdad. Even if you did leave something for your brother, there is no guarantee it would be used to better his care, especially since they have tried to get access to your trust fund before.”
“Stick to your feelings and wishes.” ~ Lucky_Six_1530
“NTA. You’ve thought carefully about your decision, and you’re making arrangements that align with your values and relationships. Your half-bro’s care is undeniably a huge responsibility, but it’s also a responsibility that rests with your mom and stepdad.”
“It’s clear that you have a deep bond with your best friend’s kids, who’ve been a huge source of comfort and support to you. Choosing to leave your estate to them is a deeply personal decision, and you have every right to direct your assets where you feel they’ll bring the most meaning and fulfillment. Best of luck!” ~ norablisss
“NTA. I am so, profoundly sorry to hear about your situation.”
“It is entirely for you to do what you want with your inheritance. It sounds like your best friend has really been there for you so if it feels right to leave the money to her & the children you love/have brought you so much joy then of course you should go ahead.”
“You’ve already helped your mom & half- brother.” ~ Apart-Ad-6518
“NTA, not in the least. You are in an unimaginably dreadful situation, with no good options. You’ve done everything right so far re the POAs.”
“Ensure that your will strictly conforms to your wishes. Some people put a clause in the will stating ‘I have chosen not to make provisions for A, B and C. This is my express wish’. The clause makes it harder for A, B and C to challenge the will.”
“My heart goes out to you on so many levels. Please, take care of yourself, take care of the little ones, and do what you want with YOUR inheritance. That’s surely what your dad intended.” ~ CandylandCanada
“NTA. I would be telling my mom that with my medical situation and plans to spend what time I have left living life to the fullest that there will be no money or assets left to give. She doesn’t need any other information about your will than that.”
“With that information 1 of 2 things will probably happen: she won’t care about the money and also want to enjoy with you what time you have left or she will be upset you don’t plan to leave anything. Either way, it will clearly show you how much of your remaining time you spend with her.”
“All the best wishes for your journey ahead and hope you get to experience as much love and joy as possible for your remaining time.” ~ zantosthemagician
The OP offered an update.
“Thinking about some things people have said in this thread, it may just be time to end the sentence on my relationship with my mom and her family and move on.”
“I’ve always held out hope that she cared in her own way and that things could be better, but I’m really tired and I’m not sure I want to spend what’s left of my time chasing it and trying to figure out whether she can even be trusted to manage any money I could leave to them.”
“I want to believe my mom does actually care about me, but it would completely track if she was only showing concern because she thought she might get something out of it. I do wonder if I would ever hear from her again if she thought the well was dry.”
“I’ll bring it up with the social worker. Might be best to rip the bandaid off somehow while I’m certified to be in sound mind so my planning team can document the outcome.”
“The social worker offered to set up a few family sessions with a counselor that specializes in terminal family member issues, so I might let that be the weathervane.”
Hopefully the OP can find peace in the time they have left.