Content Warning: Body-Shaming, Face-Shaming, Beauty-Shaming, Sexism, Misogyny, Hurtful and Abusive Comments
Parents who return to the dating pool have different approaches to introducing their children to their new possible partners, ranging from being open about being a parent and introducing everyone early, to keeping their children a secret or not allowing their partners to meet their kids until they feel secure in a long-term relationship.
While these latter options might feel extreme, it’s becoming increasingly clear why it’s important to vet who we allow to be around our children, members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Potential_Shallot161 had two young children and had been dating her boyfriend for a while. With being secure enough in the relationship to make holiday plans, she thought the time had come to gradually start introducing her boyfriend to her children.
When she was immediately unhappy with how he treated them, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt but also felt validated for vigilantly protecting her children.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by leaving when my boyfriend told my daughter, ‘You have an ugly face’?”
The OP had recently started introducing her two young kids to her boyfriend.
“My boyfriend (39 Male) and I (32 Female) took my two young kids on a long weekend getaway after the Thanksgiving holiday.”
“We’ve been together for almost three years, but we’ve only recently started to incorporate my kids more into our life together in a meaningful way.”
The OP was not pleased with how her boyfriend was treating her kids.
“When buckling my preschool-age daughter in her car seat throughout the weekend, he would tell her, ‘Suck in your fat belly.'”
“Now my daughter is saying she has a fat belly, which I’m not happy about.”
“More importantly, Sunday morning, at the end of our stay, my boyfriend leaned over and said something near my daughter’s face, to which she replied, ‘Eww, something stinks,’ and covered her nose.”
“I giggled and told my boyfriend, ‘I think she’s saying you have morning breath.'”
But then the OP’s boyfriend took his commentary too far.
“He looked back at her and said, ‘Well, you have an ugly face, and that’s why you need to wear makeup.'”
“I was shocked and very upset. I calmly packed up our things and told him the kids and me would just grab breakfast on the drive home instead of staying and having breakfast with him.”
“I didn’t yell, cuss, argue, or throw things around while packing.”
The OP and her boyfriend could not figure out how to reconcile.
“He is angry that I left without the two of us having a conversation, whereas I feel we couldn’t have had a productive, ‘grown up’ conversation with my kids in the same hotel room as upset as I was.”
“While he did put a lot of effort into the trip, I felt he really crossed a line with his comment. It’s one thing for him to make ‘negging’ comments at me, and another to make them toward my baby.”
“I’ve explained to him that I’ve told my daughter we are beautiful without makeup and only use it to occasionally feel ‘fancy’ and for fun, and he had witnessed that interaction earlier in the weekend as we were getting ready.”
“We had already planned to drive home separately, and we did not have breakfast plans, so it’s not like I left him hanging in limbo.”
“We’re 24+ hours past the event, and he still hasn’t apologized; blaming me for leaving and overreacting due to my insecurities.”
“So, am I overreacting for being hurt by the joke and leaving?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some agreed with the OP’s concerns but also urged her to hold her partners to higher standards in how she herself was treated.
“NOR, and you’re underreacting. It is not ‘another thing’ for him to be making those comments at you.”
“She’s repeating his words to her, which means she hears what he says, INCLUDING what he says to you.”
“You’re setting an example for what your daughter should expect from a partner, one way or another, you need to make sure it is the right one.” – collaredd
“OP, he’s writing on her entire future psyche and personality. He damn well knows better. When adult men have to dump on women and children, they are rotten. You can’t fix it.”
“Keep that precious girl safe. Tell her that your boyfriend was being mean to you and to them, and we don’t keep mean people near us. Show her how it’s done.” – No_Appointment_7323
“What’s most telling is that he didn’t apologize. That to me is the red flag right there.”
“He’s not sorry and was very intentional with his choice of words. He’s verbally abusive, and now he’s attacking her kids. Get yourself and your children out of there.” – NurseNikki22
“Seriously, NOR. That is a total deal breaker for me in every way, shape, and form. What the actual f*k.”
“How dare he undermine her self-esteem like that? It is not okay for him to say it to you, whether she can hear or not. Those comments are not humorous. They are damaging and cruel.”
“If he doesn’t get that the relationship would be flat-lined for me. You are not being oversensitive. He needs to grow a brain!” – Jolly_Sign_9183
“NOR. I’m in my fifties, and words my father said to me in the same vein still affect me.”
“Example: third grade, wanted to take ice skating lessons. To which he replied, ‘I don’t know why you’d want to do that, you’re too fat for any guy to pick up.'”
“I could share many others, but you get the point. There’s a reason for the saying the pen is mightier than the sword; words cut deep and can leave devastating scars. You both deserve better.”
“He’s just setting her up for lifelong body image issues. It’s better to teach her to stand up for what is right and have to leave him than stay, and both end up with your spirit beaten down by someone who is so immature as to say things like that to a child.”
“Love yourself and children more and kick him to the curb.” – ScarletBegonias72
Others agreed and pointed out that the OP deserved a partner who actually wanted to have children, whether biological or adopted.
“NOR. He doesn’t need to be around children. He clearly doesn’t like them. He’s using words to wound a little girl.”
“What a small man he is. Dump him sooner rather than later.” – Icy_Regret_8076
“NOR. Seriously, who says such things to a preschooler? Also, what preschooler does he expect to be wearing makeup already?”
“The only ones I’m aware of are the dance kids when they perform on stage, as my little sister wore specific makeup to not get washed out by the spotlights.” – Satsuki7104
“My dad was my first bully. I eventually just shut him out emotionally and eventually physically (I mean geographically, nothing nefarious). Going low/no contact was a relief, though I did get several whining emails about how he ‘didn’t know’ why I didn’t want anything to do with him.” – Difficult_Regret_900
“These things stick with you your entire life. When I was six or seven, I asked to join gymnastics, because all my friends were doing it. Then being told, ‘You’re too big.’ Cue multiple eating disorders.”
“I don’t remember a lot from that age, but I do remember that. My mom denies ever saying this, but I remember what she said clear as day.”
“Leave this bratty little man, and do everything you can to reassure your daughter that these were lies coming from a very mean bully of a man, not truths that she needs to carry with her. She deserves to be free of them, and you deserve to be free of anything he may have said to you.” – mistymountainsbelow
“There’s no apology that would be meaningful- because he didn’t make a mistake… He made a conscious CHOICE to HURT a child. So… um.. she better dump his a**.”
“He told OP’s daughter that she had an ugly face because his feelings were hurt that a toddler dared to mention his morning breath when he was literally putting it right in her face.”
“OP, you are NOR. It is your primary job to protect your children, not to call out your boyfriend for being a jerk; therefore, you absolutely did the right thing by deciding to quietly take your children and leave.”
“The very last thing that your daughter needed to hear, after hearing from an adult that she had an ugly face, was the argument and perhaps even justifications about what he said and why he said it from your boyfriend.”
“The fact that he told her she has a ‘fat tummy’ more than once is horrific enough! That he then added an additional insult to the situation by telling her she has an ugly face because his feelings were hurt because she said ‘something stinks’ are the words and actions of a five-year-old, not a vengeful grown man.”
“Toddlers are known for being honest, so when she smelled morning breath, she commented on it. Furthermore, she was right to do so because basic kindness and etiquette say adults should know to always do something about their morning breath before getting in someone’s face!”
“(I would have called it out, too, by saying, ‘Whoo! I’m sorry, but you can’t be up in my face unless or until you have done something about that morning breath! Whoo!’ as I waved my hand through the air to dispel the stink. All has a joke. Of course, if it were a medical issue causing halitosis, I would not comment.)”
“He cannot be around your children. Ever. Children, even very young ones, internalize things like this, and the last thing you want/need is for your daughter to end up with an eating disorder or feeling bad about herself or her looks. She could end up with low self-esteem, body image issues … his rude, mean, unnecessary comments to your child are reason to break up with him, in my opinion.” – Proverbs21-3
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP’s boyfriend had treated her children during one of their first interactions, over the holidays, no less, and what the OP implied that her boyfriend might have said to her, as well.
This clearly was not a man who was ready to be in a serious relationship with a woman who could think for herself, and he definitely didn’t need to help raise children. The OP and her children deserved a very special gift for the upcoming holidays: quality time together, with the boyfriend firmly in the rearview mirror.