Some people excel at gift giving. They always seem to find exactly what the person needs or wants without any problems.
Some people do great with a list. Tell them what you want and they’ll get it for you.
Then some people are pretty hopeless. Their gifts feel more like burdens because they’re always something you don’t want, can’t use, and will just have to store somewhere or find a way to get rid of.
A turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Quick_Dig3584 asked:
“AITA for returning my wife’s homemade birthday gift for me and telling her I didn’t want it then going out and buying what I actually wanted?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I need an outside opinion on this. This has been an ongoing issue that I have talked to her multiple times about.
“My wife makes less money than me and is the type of person who prefers to make her own gifts for people. The issue is she will do this even if the person doesn’t want the kind of gift she makes.”
“I will use myself as an example. For the past few years she has made every single gift I have been given.”
“No matter what I asked for, I got a homemade gift—doesn’t matter if it is cheap or not. Last Christmas I asked for a few new things and I got a homemade scarf.”
“I always get her the stuff she wants. She drops hints for the most part. I used to do that, but she never seemed to pick up on them so this time I just told her point blank what I wanted.”
“I have talked to her about this multiple times.”
“My birthday was yesterday and I asked her to give me a book. It was only 25 dollars and I even sent her the online store link for it.”
“I opened my gift and she made me some homemade bookmarks. It wasn’t even the type of bookmarks I use. They were made from fabric and I use the wooden ones.”
“I must have made a face, because she asked me what was wrong. So I told her I didn’t want them.”
“I made it so clear what I actually wanted and I have talked to her so many times about giving me things I don’t want and won’t use. I handed them back and went out to buy the book.”
“Like I gave her the link, she just had to hit the buy button. I don’t think that is asking too much. It wasn’t even expensive.”
“I make about 30k more than her, but we have shared accounts and I pay for most things like the mortgage. She has enough money to buy a 25 dollar book—she could just use the shared account to pay for it.”
“We had a big fight when I got back. She claims I am being ungrateful and a jerk.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I returned my wife’s homemade birthday gift for me and told her I didn’t want it. I may be a jerk for not being grateful and leaving to buy what I really wanted.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. She could have made the bookmarks and put them in the $25 book. That’s thoughtful.” ~ Appropriate_Art_3863
“Yeah, I got weirded out by that. She knew he asked for a book, but instead of buying that book, she gifted him a bookmark that could be used in that said book.”
“Why not just get the book with that bookmark? Everyone is happy. Win win. Weird thinking process here. NTA.” ~ flatjammedpancakes
“Yeah, the homemade bookmark is almost a big F-you without actually saying it, in my opinion.”
“I think the wife is doing this on purpose. NTA.” ~ ConflictOk8020
“You do not have a gift problem, you have a communication problem. You speak and she is not listening.”
“You need to sit her down and explain that you are feeling unheard in your marriage.”
“Explain that it hurt your feelings again when you told her exactly what you wanted for your birthday and once again she gave you what she wanted to give you, but not the gift you asked for.” ~ stinstin555
“He doesn’t have a communication problem, his wife has a gift giving problem.”
“I’m not saying he shouldn’t further try to communicate with his wife. They are married and obviously the only way to adress this is communication.”
“But the issue that caused it was not a lack of communication. He clearly told her he wanted a specific book.”
“She intentionally went and made him a bookmark and didn’t get him a book. She knew what he wanted.”
“Making him a bookmark instead of getting him a book like he asked just feels petty. But that aside, he communicated what he wanted perfectly fine.” ~ Comprehensive-Bad219
“Gift giving is supposed to be for the recipient, not the giver. I LOVE giving gifts, the best part about it is seeing their reaction, the most fulfilling is getting someone something they’ve expressed they want and now they finally have it.”
“Like, it’s fun to make other people happy by getting them exactly what they wanted.
Also, do people not realize you can give gifts ANY TIME? Doesn’t have to be a birthday, anniversary, holiday.”
“If you wanna make something for your partner, you can just… do it. She could have easily spent the $25 on the book and made him the bookmarks either to go with the book or any other time of year just as a special surprise.”
“It’s so weird when people make a gift for someone else all about themselves.” ~ haleztorm
“Yeah, that’s where I’m at. I love to make a thoughtful gift. And many times I do make them.”
“But to be a thoughtful gift giver to me, also means knowing when to suck it up and buy the gift. Some gifts just can’t be made.”
“OP’s wife can’t make the book. So she should’ve bought it.”
“But if she wanted to include her personal touch, the bookmark should’ve been inside. Not the only thing. What book is OP gonna put it in? The one he doesn’t have?” ~ overtly-Grrl
“Seriously, it’s like she doesn’t care what he asks for, she just wants to do what she wants. NTA.” ~ TaylorMade2566
“NTA. Uggghh, my ex used to do this.”
“It’s not about the gift, it’s about her intentionally and without remorse overriding your requests. Her behavior is dismissive and that sh*t will breed resentment and resentment kills relationships.”
“Gift giving should be about the recipient. A gift is a tangible representation of our care and appreciation of a person so it should be catered to the recipient’s preferences.”
“Hopefully her disregard for your preferences isn’t malicious, but either way she’s basically saying ‘I know better than you’ which really sucks especially from a loved one.”
“Sit her down and explain that you are an autonomous being with preferences and her behavior is hurtful and dismissive of you. And don’t let her weasel out of it with ‘ooohh I spent so much time on it blah blah blah’.”,
“She’s showing you she doesn’t see you, you’re just an NPC in her story. You’re deserving of consideration and this behavior is doing the opposite.” ~ Infinite_Peanut1216
“NTA, OP. I think this is how you should frame it the next time you talk to your wife about gifts: ‘I know that when you make me a gift, it’s because you want to show me that you love me enough to put a lot of time and effort into the things you give me’.”
“‘I recognize that and I appreciate that you feel that way. But for me, constantly receiving gifts that aren’t what I asked for makes me feel like you aren’t paying attention to me’.”
“Gifts are supposed to be something that makes the recipient feel good. I don’t feel good when I ask you for specific things and you disregard my requests by deciding I should have something else instead’.” ~ readthethings13579
One Redditor offered insight from their own life in response to this suggestion.
“I don’t know. This might be a nice thing to say to somebody who you haven’t had this conversation with for years already. But what’s happening here is so much deeper than not paying attention. It’s an intentional disregarding of OP’s wishes.”
“I had a parent do this my whole life. It didn’t matter if what I wanted was really cheap or really convenient. It didn’t matter if I asked for an exact thing I knew was affordable, sent a picture, & describe why I only liked this exact version and no other would see my needs.”
“After all these years I don’t think my mother even understands why she does it, but I’ve gone on to learn through lots of therapy that refusing or changing my wishes was one of the ways she would express her control over me.”
“She couldn’t even let me have a gift. Even something that cost 20 bucks that was easy to get me. She would always have to alter it or change it in some way when the thing I wanted was right there.”
“I’m not saying I can get into the psychology of the wife (or that because my mom was some kind of way, she is the exact same way), but I’m saying that there’s a vital commonality there I do know for certain. When you are told something directly, a bunch of times, you are not confused.”
“You know that you’re not showing love. Adults are not stupid and when something has been explained that directly & that may times, it is an active choice to disrespect someone’s wishes.”
“Why is she doing it in this case? I don’t know. But it’s willful. It’s a conscious choice.”
“Think about it in terms of a job. Your partner is smart. If their boss told them to stop doing something, or asked them to do something specific, they would absolutely comply and know what was going on right away.”
“If they had any questions about what was going on, they would ask. The next time they performed the task they would perform it the way the boss asked them to. They might even check afterwards to ensure it was done properly that time.”
“So this isn’t a miscommunication because it happens to be about gifts. He has been communicating to her and what she has been communicating back is that she doesn’t care how he feels about it.”
“It’s a person trying to force either their choices or their values or their preferences on their partner. It’s no mix up or mistake when you say something in plain language for years, and your partner simply rejects your feelings and desires.” ~ BojackTrashMan
Clearly, there’s an issue here. The why and what can only be answered by OP’s wife.