Planning to start a family leads to a lot of questions about how to organize your life.
How do you balance a job and caring for the child? Should we consider daycare? Will I be able to afford all of this?
These are questions Redditor Ok_Case_9067 asked herself and her future husband as they prepare to welcome their child to the world. However, their plan involves the fiancé leaving his job, which may cause issues.
The original poster (OP) took to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to find out if she’s wrong.
She asks:
“AITA for ‘forcing’ my Fiance quit his job that he loves?”
It seems OP’s in a pickle with her fiancé’s family:
“My Fiance and I are both 26 and we are expecting our first child in June.”
“He works over an hour from where we live, makes around $800-$900 per week and works full time. However, I make around $1800-$1900 a week working the same hours.”
“We decided day care wasn’t an option due to price, location and not wanting to put a newborn into day care. I’m plan on having the baby and going back to work.”
“However his family thinks its unfair that I’m making him quit his job that he loves to baby sit, while I go off and work instead of looking after our son.”
“In their eyes the mother should be looking after the baby.”
“They think it’s cruel and unnatural that he is going to be doing the care giving and I’ll never bond with my child, if we stick with this plan.”
“I know it’s probably clear cut, however I’m starting to doubt our plans. Will going back to work make me a bad mum and is it wrong he is quiting his job?”
“My Fiance is in favour for staying home it was his idea and he is super excited. His parents have brough up putting him in day care near their place, if I’m so against looking after him.”
“Extra bit for information, he wants to start his own business and is going to try use his time working on it. His family is also against this.”
“So AITA For not staying home and going back to work? Letting my Fiance quit his job to look after our son?”
On the AITA board, people share their stories and are judged for their actions. This is done with one of the following comments.
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
It seems like when it comes to parenting, everyone has their own idea of the “right way” to do things. But so long as it doesn’t hurt the child, this is a choice best left to the parents.
The commenters voted that OP was NTA.
“NTA you don’t babysit your own kid. It’s called parenting. Good luck.” – Anybody_Outthere
“I came here to say the same thing. He’s not a babysitter, he’s the father” – mrschester
“The family thinks they should cut their income by half (since he makes half of what she makes), that the dad will just be babysitting (his own kid), that the mom will never bond with her child because she will be at work (but apparently the dad wouldn’t fail to bond with the baby if he worked…somehow), and that this must all be the woman’s fault because of course they do.”
“Misogyny is a helluva drug.” – thisleandpeony
“You’re such a terrible person for forcing him to… checks notes do something he really wants to do and was his idea in the first place.”
“NTA Your husband’s family are wrong on so many levels, starting with the concept that a man being a parent to their child is ‘babysitting’.” – Dookwithanegg
“NTA, and parents don’t “babysit” their children. (sorry, I hate when people say it) Sounds like his family is sticking its nose where it doesn’t belong.”
“You guys have a plan, if you and your fiance are good with it, don’t let them tell you any differently.” – Cynical498
“NTA- It is totally reasonable to ask the person that makes the least money to stay home and have the “breadwinner” keep working, you are a new family and you need money.”
“I think they are more concerned about what their own social circle thinks about their son being a ‘house husband’”
“This way of doing it is totally normal in places where you get long term parental leave. The one that makes the least Money stays home and it does not matter if it is the man or the husband.” – Ashamed-Arugula1956
The board was mostly in agreement that OP was NTA, but there were a lot of comments on who was at fault. The obviously answer is the in-laws, since they seem to have this idea of what parenting should look like.
But others questioned why OP had to deal with this in the first place.
Why wasn’t her fiancé shutting this down?
“NTA. You and him agreed. He has to tell then that he wants that setup.” – runedued
“NTA. But why isn’t your husband shutting down his family from even having this conversation?”
“He wants to do, he wants to be home, so what is it their business?” – macaroni_rascal42
And even still, there is the discussion of what this arrangement actually entails.
“NTA.”
“However, I really recommend that you discuss what each of you envision for this now rather than waiting until the child is here. Unless you both helped raise younger siblings, you probably don’t fully understand what having a baby is like – I know that neither I nor my wife really understood what it would be like.”
“You may want to make sure that your husband realizes that being a SAHD to a young child is very time-consuming and he most likely won’t have time to start his own business.”
“I can see your husband having this vision of him spending 2-3 hours a day doing ‘kid-stuff’ (Feeding/changing/playing with the kid) and the kid napping while he builds his financial empire and then getting angry once reality intrudes upon his dream.”
“Quite often, a parent either naps or has tons of things to do to support the baby during the kid’s nap time.”
“Likewise, make sure that you work out who’s going to be responsible for nighttime feedings/etc. once you return to work. If you’re working, it would be very hard for you to do this, but I can also see him thinking that, since he’s with the child all day and “working” on starting his business, it should be your responsibility.”
“None of this is to say that it’s impossible, but it will be much better if you both agree on what your decision means ahead of time.” – perry649
It can make you feel crazy when you know you’re right, but you still have people you have to interact with who constantly make you question your decision. OP’s journey won’t be over just because they follow through with the plan after the baby is born.
But hopefully the support and comments from strangers on the internet helps to put her mind at ease.