Why do weddings have to come with a hot side of family drama?
Shouldn’t family be able to table issues until after the newlyweds leave for the honeymoon?
There is so much going on when planning a wedding, maybe leaving personal feelings aside, is the initial better choice.
Case in point…
Redditor throwaway957532654 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for insisting my Black family be included in my wedding photos?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“When I (31 M[ale]) was 16, my sister outed my to my very wealthy, conservative parents.”
“After a long back-and-forth between them and me, they decided to kick me out two days after my 17th birthday.”
“I was close with one of my best friend’s parents, and they generously took me in at their house in the Bronx.”
“In the 6 months I lived there, my friend’s mom became my mom.”
“And her dad became my dad.”
“When my friend’s family would explain who I was to other people, they would always say they’re my Black family (or Black mom, Black dad, etc).”
“And say my white family was taking some time to figure things out.”
“Eventually, my bio parents accepted me, something my Black family was very supportive of, and I moved back to my childhood home.”
“But I would always call my Black mom and dad and would visit from time to time.”
“They never stopped being my family.”
“Next week, I’m getting married to a wonderful man, and my biological parents are paying for a large portion of the wedding.”
“I’m insisting that my Black family be included in my family-only wedding portraits, but my bio parents are saying they’re not really my family.”
“I am not planning on backing down, but because my bio parents are paying I’d like to know…”
“Am I the a**hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA, but you should be aware that your bio parent’s ‘generous’ offer probably comes with strings attached (after all, their love did).”
“Be prepared to change your plans accordingly if your financial support is pulled.”
“A $500 wedding where you call the shots beats someone else’s expensive wedding any day.”
“I’m sorry you have to deal with this and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!!” ~ finkplamingoes
“In my opinion they can’t say OP can’t decide who is family and who isn’t to OP when they kicked out.”
“And Im assuming disowned, OP for a long time over who he was.”
“OPs black family took him in and became his family when his own abandoned him and they have the gal to say they aren’t family?”
“They pretty much adopted OP during that period of time!”
“Also OP is way more forgiving than I would be.”
“I understand wanting to be accepted by bio family and being glad they ‘came around’ but kicking out/disowning me is something that I couldn’t forgive.”
“And haven’t because a similar but different reason situation happened with me and my dad where I got so used to him disowning me.”
“And ‘taking it back’ at a certain point I realized I can’t keep letting him use that over my head.”
“And I just disowned him – kinda worried OPs family will use money/guilting thru gifts to control OP.”
“I also agree they are overcompensating but are going to find out that if they threaten to pull out funding it if OPs black family is included, that OP is fine not having his bio family at the wedding entirely.” ~ TheoryAddict
“Are you kidding me?”
“People use money to assert control all the time, and lots of time (especially in these wedding posts) and while I don’t think it’s right here, I can also see how it’s situation dependent.”
“That doesn’t change that the underlying theme is that if you accept someone generous financial contribution that also means you may also have to accept they are dictating or have some final word on the matter or event.”
“If you don’t like that, don’t accept their money.”
“In this situation, the reality is that OP parents not only kick a minor out of their home, they also abandoned him for six months.”
“I don’t think they want to be reminded about that during the wedding.”
“Although, I understand why it’s important to OP to have them because they represent the unconditional love he received when he needed it.”
“I think his parents already proved anything they give comes conditionally.”
“And I’m betting their money does too.”
“And OP should definitely prepare himself that they won’t compromise on this.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I think OP is NTA.”
“And I think he is making the right choice.”
“But be prepared for bio parents to yank funding, where and when they can and it’s naive to think they won’t.” ~ Puzzled-Passion7255
“I second the fact that it seems like embarrassment/shame to me.”
“OP having a second family there for photos would definitely raise questions that would paint bio family in a bad light.”
“And they seem to care more about that than his having unconditional love and support on this important day.”
“OP, NTA and you deserve to have everyone there for photos who have given you support.”
“Tell your bio parents that this family showed you what unconditional love is and deserves to be there.” ~ opinionswelcomehere
“True family are the people that love you unconditionally and give you support when you need it the most.”
“Your black family did that. Your bio parents did not.”
“NTA. Not at all.”
“I hope you have a joyous wedding surrounded by the people who truly love you.” ~ Knitiotsavant
“NTA. But personally, if I were you, I wouldn’t even want photos taken together.”
“I would do bio family and chosen family separately.”
“And you know what? I would only display my chosen family’s photo.” ~ columbospeugeot
“Let them pay for the big gay wedding, get photos with black fam, and decide later if you ever want to speak to white fam again.”
“Maybe hit them up for a down payment on a house and then decide if no contact is for you, OP.”
“NTA.” ~ Lvtxyz
“NTA… but this!!”
I still regret 15 years later not having a photo taken of my bio-father with me at my wedding.”
“I had to ‘honor’ my mom’s wishes at that time.”
“Yet ironically I have a random shot where he is almost front and center in a photo my photographer took of the church pews.”
“And well, mom was so busy that day she didn’t realize he was there until I pointed it out later, lol.”
“I would have photos taken with your chosen family, then photos with your blood family.”
“Hang up the photos with your chosen family in your home.”
“Words of wisdom, it’s YOUR wedding no matter who pays.”
“Something I will tell my daughters if and when they chose to get married.” ~ Revolutionary-Clue21
“NTA. I wouldn’t push it right now but when the time comes I would put my foot down and insist they be included or put aside some time to take photos with just your black family. lol.”
“Pay the photographer a lil extra to extend their time for you to have some shots with your other family.”
“And make sure you hang that photo up right next to your biological parent’s photos. Lol.”
“They messed up big time where your other family stepped up.”
“You want to give them the recognition they deserve, so go for it.” ~ shzan1
“Depends on the type.”
“If the bio fam are all about appearances, they might be less inclined to make a fuss if they are put on the spot.”
“I agree with others.”
“Take separate pics so that OP can hang pictures of his chosen family and bury the other pic when the next inevitable meltdown comes from the Bio family.”
“NTA and I think that your bio family is doing you a favor here.”
“Congratulations OP!” ~ flyfishingguy
“Clear NTA, and if anyone might not qualify as family here, it’s your bio.”
“They turned you out onto the Street while you were still a child!”
“It’s lovely that you have found the grace to forgive them, but family are the people you can count on when there’s nowhere else to turn.”
“Your black family are those people.”
“If your bios don’t like it, I suggest reminding them that you wouldn’t have needed to find a second family if they hadn’t abandoned you.”
“Kids who are cast out like that are at huge risk for violence, substance abuse, and suicide.”
“Could be your bios have your black fam to thank that you’re still around to BE married in the first place.”
“Regardless of who pays, this is still your day.”
“You deserve pictures with all your loved ones to treasure in the future.” ~ SuzieQbert
“NTA. Your bio parents may feel like it calls out a time many years ago when they weren’t there for you and maybe now they feel some shame or regret.”
“That said, your Black family supported you when you most needed it.”
“You treating them with love and respect forever is a testament to all of you.” ~ TresWhat
Oh OP, you are in a difficult spot.
But this is your day, and you partner’s.
So hopefully y’all can enjoy it to the fullest.
Reddit wishes you all the best.