Losing someone you love is never easy. The grieving process can take years to regain a healthy mindset, but it never ends. The lost loved one will always be missed.
A source of comfort most people rely on are mementos and physical reminders of the one they grieve for.
While some ill-advised people think the “cure” for grief is ripping off the bandage as soon as possible, grief counselors recommend allowing people to keep their cherished reminders—so long as the grieving individual is still functioning at a level conducive to their personal health and welfare.
Curled up in a ball in a corner requires intervention. Working and caring for their needs—and the needs of others—while keeping some mementos prominently displayed doesn’t.
A widow who feels confused about her babysitter destroying one of her mementos from her late husband turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Visible-Document-225 asked:
“AITA for needing more time to sort out how I feel about the babysitter erasing a love note from my late husband?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My late husband (who would be 44 male now) and I (43, female) used to leave each other notes in a dry-erase marker on the mirror and on the counter by the coffee maker. When he passed away (3 years ago), I put tape over his notes to preserve them.”
“Seemingly forever. Having three young children, I hired a babysitter to help out. She’s been with us for a year, and one of the first things I pointed out was the notes.
“The other day, she removed the tape and wiped away the notes, stating she wasn’t thinking and was just trying to help clean up what she thought was something the kids did. It said ‘forever my girl’.”
“Being rather upset but also open to the idea that it has been three years, maybe it’s time to remove the notes, I told her I needed space to figure things out. I’m leaning towards asking her not to come back because I can’t get over it.”
“It seems intentional on some level, but that may just be my hurt talking. Even if it’s a lapse in judgment, I wanted to be the one to take it off when ready.”
“It’s been two days, and I’m still not ready to have her back, yet she keeps asking if she can work.”
“AITA for wanting to say no or for wanting to say I can’t move past this?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I’ve not had her return to work for removing something left by my late husband.”
“She says it was a mistake, but I don’t trust that it is.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“If you hadn’t put tape over the messages… maybe.”
“If she had just started working for you… maybe.”
“If you hadn’t made it a point to show her the messages and explain how the tape was there to make sure the note didn’t get erased… maybe.”
“But I find it extremely hard to believe that after working with you for a year she just removed the tape and wiped away the message accidentally. NTA.”
“Have you ever had to remove tape from a surface it’s been stuck to for an extended period? It’s not easy and takes time.” ~ Round_Warthog1990
“But if you are feeling spiteful… Or if you fancy yourself as an itinerant therapist… Or feel you should be the one who makes life decisions for other people…then it would probably be a pleasure to do the work and leave you with a smug sense of satisfaction.”
“NTA, OP. It was obviously done deliberately.” ~ Ok-Cardiologist8651
“Not to mention, even if the notes never came up in the last year, the loss of the husband almost certainly has. The kids have mentioned their dad. There are pictures in the house. This is a home of relatively fresh grief—no way she just forgot why the notes are taped. NTA.” ~ RobinhoodCove830
“NTA. There was no way it was an accident if she had to remove the tape first. It just wasn’t. I’d find a new babysitter.” ~ Yellow_Lady126
“NTA, and personally, I’d never let her in my house again.”
“Also, she’s squashing another boundary now. You asked her for space, and she’s not respected that by contacting you to ask when she can come back to work.”
“You deserve a babysitter you can trust who respects you.” ~ Zombemi
“She’s been with you a year; she was told about the notes, and for her own reasons, she knowingly removed the tape to wipe off these messages.
“She knew it wasn’t the kids who wrote them—the messages have been there for a year, for f*ck’s sake.”
“Whether it’s ‘too long’ to have them or not is no one’s business but your own—as was the decision to remove them or not.”
“HUGE invasion of privacy and disrespect, in my opinion. I wouldn’t have her back. NTA.” ~ iwantaponytoo
“If you needed another reason to fire her and cut all ties, it doesn’t sound like she’s sorry. The babysitter basically said, ‘Whoops’ instead of, ‘Sorry’ and is now bugging OP for work.”
“Her texting to ask if she can work feels very similar to someone asking, ‘Are you over it yet?’ But, maybe I’m just imagining things.”
“If I did what the babysitter did and it was an actual accident), I would be so embarrassed and ashamed. I might contact OP to tell her that I understand if she didn’t want me back, and I’d apologize for my idiotic lapse in judgment.”
“But I would NOT contact her to ask when I was going back to work. NTA.” ~ Bice_thePrecious
“This exactly! Sounds like, from her reaction, it was intentional, and she just expected OP to get over it. NTA.” ~ CoffeeBeforeTea
“This is what gets me. If I ‘accidentally’ erased something so personal and irreplaceable, I would be hugely embarrassed and apologetic. I would NOT be asking the OP for more work.”
“Huge indication that it was either purposeful or the babysitter has absolutely no idea of how other people around her might feel. Either way, I wouldn’t be reemploying her. NTA.” ~ GuiltyCaptain3
“Yeah, this is horrible. I worked for someone for 6 years who also had a dry erase note they kept because it was personally important, and it had NOTHING COVERING IT, just a box around it and a note in dry erase that said ‘don’t erase’.”
“This was in an office where dozens of people came in and used the whiteboard where this was written. And there is no way we’d ever ‘forget’.”
“Removing old tape in two separate locations of the household‽‽ No way this was accidental. NTA.
“This person thinks she knows how you should be living your life. No way I’d let her into my space again.” ~ Alternative_Grass167
“I can be absent-minded, and might wipe something down before thinking about it… but the physical barrier of tape (and the action of peeling it off) would definitely jolt me back to remembering.” ~ Current_Read_7808
“Yeah, come on!!! And it just occurred to me that the babysitter is a LIAR. Dishonest. Lacks integrity. One more reason to leave her out of the family life and away from the children.”
“Also lacks empathy and respect for the property of others. It is a boundary stomper, too. Looks like there aren’t even enough reasons to have her back compared to all the reasons to let her go. NTA.” ~ Ok-Cardiologist8651
“NTA. It makes no sense for her to remove them after you explained what they were and asked her not to touch them. That’s a big breach of trust.”
“Your grief sounds like it’s difficult, and I’m sorry you’re struggling with it. I don’t think you’d be the a**hole for not letting her return to work for you. It should have been something you got rid of in your own time.”
“Wishing you the best.” ~ Lost_Woodpecker1
“NTA. I suspect that she thought it was time for you to ‘move on’ or whatever and interfered knowingly. If that’s not the case, I don’t understand why she would remove protective tape to erase writing she knew about, especially if they were affectionate messages.”
“Even doing it in ignorance is over-stepping, as even if she had truly forgotten about their source and meaning the unusual state of them being taped over alone should have been enough of a clue for her to back off. She chose to go the extra mile to erase them. Why?” ~ kurokomainu
“She’s worked for you for a whole year, the notes were shown to her and explained from the get go, but one day she just ‘forgot’ and thought one of the children wrote ‘my forever girl’ to you? Not buying it.”
“She’s probably one of those people who think grief has an appropriate timeline and an expiration date, and that people need to be forcefully ‘helped’ along. This was not her place in any form or fashion. It’s pretty outrageous.”
“Even if it HAD been an accident, you’re still deeply upset, and you’re allowed to no longer want to employ someone who has caused you grief. NTA. Take care of yourself. I’m sorry this happened to you.”
“As has been pointed out by other commenters, she would have had to scrape at carefully placed three-year-old tape and wipe at even older ink…TWICE…two different locations…to remove LOVE notes…and on both occasions, she forgot ‘I was explicitly told not to touch this’?”
“I’m not buying the ‘autopilot, I thought it was the kids’ excuses at all. Untrustworthy liar.” ~ Fleurtheleast
The OP may never know why her babysitter did what she did.
But if she feels like she can’t trust her, it sounds like it’s time to cut her loose and seek other childcare arrangements.