Losing someone you love is never easy. The grieving process can take years to regain a healthy mindset, but it never ends. The lost loved one will always be missed.
A source of comfort most people rely on are mementos and physical reminders of the one they grieve for.
While some ill-advised people think the "cure" for grief is ripping off the bandage as soon as possible, grief counselors recommend allowing people to keep their cherished reminders—so long as the grieving individual is still functioning at a level conducive to their personal health and welfare.
Curled up in a ball in a corner requires intervention. Working and caring for their needs—and the needs of others—while keeping some mementos prominently displayed doesn't.
A widow who feels confused about her babysitter destroying one of her mementos from her late husband turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Visible-Document-225 asked:
"AITA for needing more time to sort out how I feel about the babysitter erasing a love note from my late husband?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My late husband (who would be 44 male now) and I (43, female) used to leave each other notes in a dry-erase marker on the mirror and on the counter by the coffee maker. When he passed away (3 years ago), I put tape over his notes to preserve them."
"Seemingly forever. Having three young children, I hired a babysitter to help out. She's been with us for a year, and one of the first things I pointed out was the notes.
"The other day, she removed the tape and wiped away the notes, stating she wasn't thinking and was just trying to help clean up what she thought was something the kids did. It said 'forever my girl'."
"Being rather upset but also open to the idea that it has been three years, maybe it's time to remove the notes, I told her I needed space to figure things out. I'm leaning towards asking her not to come back because I can't get over it."
"It seems intentional on some level, but that may just be my hurt talking. Even if it's a lapse in judgment, I wanted to be the one to take it off when ready."
"It's been two days, and I'm still not ready to have her back, yet she keeps asking if she can work."
"AITA for wanting to say no or for wanting to say I can't move past this?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I've not had her return to work for removing something left by my late husband."
"She says it was a mistake, but I don't trust that it is."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"If you hadn't put tape over the messages... maybe."
"If she had just started working for you... maybe."
"If you hadn't made it a point to show her the messages and explain how the tape was there to make sure the note didn't get erased... maybe."
"But I find it extremely hard to believe that after working with you for a year she just removed the tape and wiped away the message accidentally. NTA."
"Have you ever had to remove tape from a surface it's been stuck to for an extended period? It's not easy and takes time." ~ Round_Warthog1990
"But if you are feeling spiteful... Or if you fancy yourself as an itinerant therapist... Or feel you should be the one who makes life decisions for other people...then it would probably be a pleasure to do the work and leave you with a smug sense of satisfaction."
"NTA, OP. It was obviously done deliberately." ~ Ok-Cardiologist8651
"Not to mention, even if the notes never came up in the last year, the loss of the husband almost certainly has. The kids have mentioned their dad. There are pictures in the house. This is a home of relatively fresh grief—no way she just forgot why the notes are taped. NTA." ~ RobinhoodCove830
"NTA. There was no way it was an accident if she had to remove the tape first. It just wasn't. I'd find a new babysitter." ~ Yellow_Lady126
"NTA, and personally, I'd never let her in my house again."
"Also, she's squashing another boundary now. You asked her for space, and she's not respected that by contacting you to ask when she can come back to work."
"You deserve a babysitter you can trust who respects you." ~ Zombemi
"She's been with you a year; she was told about the notes, and for her own reasons, she knowingly removed the tape to wipe off these messages.
"She knew it wasn't the kids who wrote them—the messages have been there for a year, for f*ck's sake."
"Whether it's 'too long' to have them or not is no one's business but your own—as was the decision to remove them or not."
"HUGE invasion of privacy and disrespect, in my opinion. I wouldn't have her back. NTA." ~ iwantaponytoo
"If you needed another reason to fire her and cut all ties, it doesn't sound like she's sorry. The babysitter basically said, 'Whoops' instead of, 'Sorry' and is now bugging OP for work."
"Her texting to ask if she can work feels very similar to someone asking, 'Are you over it yet?' But, maybe I'm just imagining things."
"If I did what the babysitter did and it was an actual accident), I would be so embarrassed and ashamed. I might contact OP to tell her that I understand if she didn't want me back, and I'd apologize for my idiotic lapse in judgment."
"But I would NOT contact her to ask when I was going back to work. NTA." ~ Bice_thePrecious
"This exactly! Sounds like, from her reaction, it was intentional, and she just expected OP to get over it. NTA." ~ CoffeeBeforeTea
"This is what gets me. If I 'accidentally' erased something so personal and irreplaceable, I would be hugely embarrassed and apologetic. I would NOT be asking the OP for more work."
"Huge indication that it was either purposeful or the babysitter has absolutely no idea of how other people around her might feel. Either way, I wouldn't be reemploying her. NTA." ~ GuiltyCaptain3
"Yeah, this is horrible. I worked for someone for 6 years who also had a dry erase note they kept because it was personally important, and it had NOTHING COVERING IT, just a box around it and a note in dry erase that said 'don't erase'."
"This was in an office where dozens of people came in and used the whiteboard where this was written. And there is no way we'd ever 'forget'."
"Removing old tape in two separate locations of the household‽‽ No way this was accidental. NTA.
"This person thinks she knows how you should be living your life. No way I'd let her into my space again." ~ Alternative_Grass167
"I can be absent-minded, and might wipe something down before thinking about it... but the physical barrier of tape (and the action of peeling it off) would definitely jolt me back to remembering." ~ Current_Read_7808
"Yeah, come on!!! And it just occurred to me that the babysitter is a LIAR. Dishonest. Lacks integrity. One more reason to leave her out of the family life and away from the children."
"Also lacks empathy and respect for the property of others. It is a boundary stomper, too. Looks like there aren't even enough reasons to have her back compared to all the reasons to let her go. NTA." ~ Ok-Cardiologist8651
"NTA. It makes no sense for her to remove them after you explained what they were and asked her not to touch them. That's a big breach of trust."
"Your grief sounds like it's difficult, and I'm sorry you're struggling with it. I don't think you'd be the a**hole for not letting her return to work for you. It should have been something you got rid of in your own time."
"Wishing you the best." ~ Lost_Woodpecker1
"NTA. I suspect that she thought it was time for you to 'move on' or whatever and interfered knowingly. If that's not the case, I don't understand why she would remove protective tape to erase writing she knew about, especially if they were affectionate messages."
"Even doing it in ignorance is over-stepping, as even if she had truly forgotten about their source and meaning the unusual state of them being taped over alone should have been enough of a clue for her to back off. She chose to go the extra mile to erase them. Why?" ~ kurokomainu
"She's worked for you for a whole year, the notes were shown to her and explained from the get go, but one day she just 'forgot' and thought one of the children wrote 'my forever girl' to you? Not buying it."
"She's probably one of those people who think grief has an appropriate timeline and an expiration date, and that people need to be forcefully 'helped' along. This was not her place in any form or fashion. It's pretty outrageous."
"Even if it HAD been an accident, you're still deeply upset, and you're allowed to no longer want to employ someone who has caused you grief. NTA. Take care of yourself. I'm sorry this happened to you."
"As has been pointed out by other commenters, she would have had to scrape at carefully placed three-year-old tape and wipe at even older ink...TWICE...two different locations...to remove LOVE notes...and on both occasions, she forgot 'I was explicitly told not to touch this'?"
"I'm not buying the 'autopilot, I thought it was the kids' excuses at all. Untrustworthy liar." ~ Fleurtheleast
The OP may never know why her babysitter did what she did.
But if she feels like she can't trust her, it sounds like it's time to cut her loose and seek other childcare arrangements.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.