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Guy Irate After His Indian Wife Expects Him To Lie To In-Laws About Being Married During Visit

Indian bride holding hands with groom
Kamal Sharma/Getty Images

Marriage not only brings two families together, it also merges two ways of living.

This merge can get complicated when different cultures are involved.

Redditor Weekly-Sail-4977 is currently learning this first-hand.

The Original Poster (OP) is ready to finally meet his wife’s family in India, but her terms have him questioning things.

He turned to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for advice.

“AITA for wanting to know my wife’s s family but not at the cost of remarrying”

The OP went on to explain.

I 28 [year old] Male dated my wife 26 [year old] Female for three years before we got married a year and a half ago.”

“I’m a white guy and she is an Indian who moved to the states for college and settled with a job here.”

“She made it clear to me sometime into our relationship that her family was not going to approve of her marrying outside of her religion, caste and race but we both decided to go for it regardless.”

“We didn’t have much money at the time either so we eloped and had a sweet ceremony with only our closest friends in attendance.”

“Her parents didn’t even know she was dating me at the time.”

“Over the course of our relationship she has gotten to know my family and friends incredibly well, my sisters treat her like a sister and my parents love her plus she is basically as close to my friends as me.”

“However despite the fact that I know she has very close ties to family and friends back in India I have never met them and I truly don’t think I come close to understanding her culture or experiencing her traditions which I think is important because we’ve decided to try for kids this year and want to raise them as proud of both identities.”

“Six months ago she finally told her parents about me, not about us being married but about her dating a white guy.”

“Recently they have finally started to come around a bit and I decided it was probably high time I visit her home, her family and her country.”

‘“I brought this up with her and she was initially quite hesitant about the idea. However last night she sat me down and told me she is willing to take the trip but it would require two things from me.”

“For us to act as we are not currently married and to be willing to have a big wedding celebration likely back in India fairly soon because she said things will move fast once I meet her parents.”

“(To clarify she said we would not bear the financial burden even though we’re both quite well to do now)”

“I told her I don’t want to lie to them about our lives and that it is probably better to simply tell them the truth and come clean.”

“I also don’t want to have another wedding ceremony when we already had one over a year ago that to me was absolutely perfect and I would be very uncomfortable with the same.”

“She broke down at this and told me she can’t keep this secret from her parents any longer and that I was being an AH for not understanding the fact that she doesn’t have a choice in this and it is the only way for our relationship to work.”

“I don’t think I was unfair in not wanting to deceive my in laws but maybe I misunderstood something so AITA?”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided:

“It’s not even remarrying, it’s just having another celebration so that her family can be involved.”

“I think this is a weird hill to die on. I can understand not wanting to lie, but like you said, you don’t understand her culture as well as you’d like to.” – ComplexFirefighter62

Soft YTA”

“This is obviously a HUGE thing and you need to understand her entire relationship with her parents will never recover and maybe your own relationship won’t, either.”

“You can negotiate a little but not that much. Like maybe only a “small” by their standards celebration. Maybe you insist on telling them that you are married.”

“My neighbours had a civil ceremony with just his parents last year and will have a huge wedding in India later this year.” – OLAZ3000

“‘and that it is probably better to simply tell them the truth and come clean’”

“headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk”

“OMG, dude has no clue. OP while you’re N T A from an American perspective, what you HAVE to realize that what she did by marrying you without parental consent was to basically disown herself from her family and culture completely.”

“She kept it secret because while she loves you, she does NOT want to throw her family and culture away. Going through with this is the only way for her to salvage things.”

“If you reveal that you are married then her life in India, all her connections are DONE, more Game Over than Bill Paxtons character in Aliens.”

“She will be hated and a source of extreme shame for the family.”

“I am a white American male but I have had international friends and watched international movies and actually paid attention to the social nuances.”

“I watched a movie from over there maybe a decade back about a young man- probably mid 20’s who was dating a woman who was a bit older-early 30’s who was a widow with a daughter who was around 7 or 8.”

“When his family found out he was dating a woman with a child they flipped, especially his mother. They were so vicious to her it couldn’t be described as entertainment really.”

“Now, she had been hesitant about dating him in the first place because she was afraid of scorn but she really cared for him and he pursued her.”

“He also had a good relationship with her daughter… End result, family insisted he break up with her and marry the bride they chose.”

“She’s left literally crying on the floor, absolutely torn apart emotionally when he tells her it’s over and the end of the movie is the joyous wedding where he meets his new bride and she’s all properly demure and he’s all smiles while his parents are beaming.”

“That was a hard ending for me to watch, and while I realized that as a westerner I was supposed to feel for the spurned widow, it was also apparent that it was made so that it really could be considered a super happy ending for everyone else and those predisposed to obeying the family and the practice of arranged marriage and staying properly in your caste would see that ending as a triumph.”

“NAH really but she should have waited to marry OP until actually now.” – Throwawayhater3343

NAH. Culture and familial pressure can be quite a burden for one to carry, and she may even want a VERY LARGE and traditional Indian wedding.”

“Should you go through with this, it will be an amazing experience. I’m a white guy and have been fortunate to be included in portions of a traditional wedding.”

“Insane and an amazing cultural experience.”

“This type of wedding may be critical for her parents to accept the ’white guy.’”

“I also believe she needs to be more honest with her parents, and I also understand why it would be very, very hard. I don’t think everyone stinks and understand how difficult this is for everyone.” – TheDiscordium


“You also need to accept that for her family to accept you, then you need to marry in her culture.”

“This will mean a multi-day celebration of marriage with all of her extended family.”

“Her family will demand it or will be dishonored.” – Algebralovr

“ESH. You decided it was time for you to visit her family. She’s hesitant but says xyz will make it so much easier for her and her family.”

You are stomping your feet and not wanting to do something that will help protect your wife, the one you love. Yeah, she sucks for hiding the relationship and marriage, but I can understand it.”

“How exactly do you want to raise kids with knowledge of both identities when you are refusing everything wholeheartedly?”

“You want her to cave and make herself and her family uncomfortable, but you say another wedding ceremony celebrating the two of you would make you uncomfortable?”

“Where is the compassion for your wife in all of this?” – StitchandReuben


”’I decided it was probably high time I visit her home, her family and her country. I brought this up with her and she was initially quite hesitant about the idea’”

“YOU decided it was time to meet her family, not her. You forced the idea, and she’s playing with this hand now.”

“‘I truly don’t think I come close to understanding her culture or experiencing her traditions which I think is important because we’ve decided to try for kids this year and want to raise them as proud of both identities.’”

“You know what’s part of the identity, what’s a tradition? A WEDDING.”

“If you talk the talk about wanting your kids to be both White and Indian but are unwilling to have a wedding in that other culture I don’t think you actually want your kids to ID as both in a meaningful way.” – sharp-Yarn

Best wishes to the couple.

Written by B. Miller

B. is a creative multihyphenate who enjoys the power and versatility of the written word. She enjoys hiking, great food and drinks, traveling, and vulnerable conversation. Raised below the Mason Dixon, thriving above it. (she/her)