There’s a growing trend in the United States of married couples maintaining separate finances.
Back in the 1950s-1970s as more and more women were entering the workforce by choice or necessity, archaic laws that viewed women as property barred women from having their own assets and lines of credit in a marriage. As divorce rates also increased, women learned the benefits of having their own money and credit history.
By the 1990s, as the children of divorce were starting to marry, they understood the importance of separate finances in a marriage as a safety net “just in case.”
But this separation of marital assets raised new issues for both spouses. Who pays what? Should the couple create theirs, mine and ours accounts to handle bills? Should expenses be 50/50 or based on income?
And what happens if one partner is frugal while the other is a spendthrift? Unlike how that latter word is often misused, spendthrift actually means “a person who spends money in an extravagant, irresponsible way.”
A spouse whose wife has a different financial philosophy turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ImpressiveAd273 asked:
“AITA for not paying my wife’s tuition when she’s blown thousands on clothes?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wife enrolled in an online college degree program and hasn’t paid her tuition. She’s a stay at home mom and drives Uber a few nights a weeks to make extra cash.”
“Before we had kids, she was working part time and we split bills 50/50. I told her I’d pay for food and housing after the kids came.”
“In the years since then, I’ve asked her to help out with costs because we are house poor and money keeps getting tighter. She spends most of what she makes on clothes and accessories, and calls it her fun money.”
“I asked her to save up to pay the tuition, which is under $1,000.”
“In the last week she has spent $400 on her credit card on dresses, and wants me to pay her tuition.”
“It’s a general associate degree. She only has 12 credits left.”
“She bought the dresses on a shopping trip with her mom—no reason, she hasn’t lost or gained weight, it’s just pretty new dresses.”
“I counted the total dresses in her closet today, it’s around 80. She has a large enough selection to accommodate changes in season and some weight change.”
“The degree won’t lead to a specific job, she would need a bachelors or masters to do what she actually wants to do, so she just wants to finish her associates so she can wrap it up and take it to another school if she wants to someday.”
“She said her big reason for the degree is almost everyone in her family has one, and she is close to finishing hers. Her mom didn’t get her associates before going for a bachelors, so when she transfered to a different college, the mom had to retake many classes that didn’t transfer.”
“I create budgets every so often, but she never uses the tools and apps we have for them.”
“I already do zero based budgeting where I split my check into several accounts, one for mortgage, one for bills, one for savings and then she only gets access to the spending and lifestyle account.”
“Problem is we got a credit card a year ago and that has ruined the ‘out of money, can’t go out’ hard stop on the lifestyle account.”
“I basically pay for everything now including gas, utilities, her makeup and whatever. I do watch the kids while she is out working, or at the gym. Kids aren’t in school yet.”
“I told her she should drop out this semester and save up until the next round of classes starts up. She’s been excited to start learning in classes again and started to tear up.”
“I then said she could make a list of things she is willing to sacrifice to pay for the tuition, like her brand new iPhone, or her new purses, and if she sold them and got second hand items to replace them, she could pay the tuition with her own funds.”
“She left the room at this and hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my wife she should sell something valuable she owns to pay for her tuition.”
“That action might make me the a**hole because I haven’t set clear expectations on who pays for what.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA, but I do not get how 2 people with different financial mindsets can marry each other. I am saving, investing and have some fun money—my wife is also on the same side.”
“When we first met, I had no clue about investing, but we both discussed financial goals, savings, spending habits and things like that.” ~ Alex_MC_69
“Because you have talks with your partner and make agreements on what you’ll do, and then one goes behind the other’s back and spends the money. There’s remorse, promises to do better and maybe that even happens for a while, but the changes never stick.”
“I believe some couples can and do work it out, but it’s usually early in the marriage. If it’s ten years down the line and blowing money still happens, it’s never going to change.”
“To me, the responsible party needs to decide the limit on the dollar number that will make them exit the marriage.” ~ Spinnerofyarn
“Stop calling her a stay at home mom… she’s not. She’s working.”
“The idea of being a SAHM is giving her the misguided illusion that whatever money she makes driving Uber gets to be her ‘fun money’.”
“It can’t be ‘fun money’ if you’re struggling. She needs to be struggling too. Otherwise nothing will change. NTA.” ~ Aggressive_Cup8452
“NTA. Clothes and the newest iPhone should not be your priority over your classes when you’re a grown adult with kids.” ~ Practical-Wheel-1033
“NTA. It’s not unreasonable to ask your wife to contribute to the costs of going to school, online or in real life. If she’s excited to be doing that, she should be willing to help pay for it.”
“The silent treatment isn’t effective at creating an atmosphere of cooperation. It’s the king of passive-aggressiveness and communicates only an unwillingness to listen or negotiate.”
“Don’t allow her to manipulate you into paying for her tuition in this way. This is something the two of you need to negotiate together.”
“I went to school for 6 years to finish my undergrad degree and get a doctorate; my husband supported me throughout, but until I had to dress better in the last two years because we were seeing patients in our clinics, I didn’t buy much clothing at all, and no accessories of any kind.”
“You don’t spend money for frivolities when someone else is footing the bills so you can get the education you want.”
“I can’t understand why married couples don’t combine their incomes into a joint account to pay household bills, since paying for necessities is more important than fun money. If all other expenses are being met.”
“If one party is working FT and the other PT, it would make sense to use the extra for school expenses, as in this case, or fun things if that’s what they decide. If you don’t trust your spouse enough to share an account, why are you married in the first place? Marriage requires trust.”
“That said, your wife should absolutely do whatever she can to help defray the costs of living for the two of you, then pay towards her tuition if she can. She should be buying textbooks and supplies, not extra purses or clothing.”
“If she then needs help with tuition, that’s reasonable if she’s not otherwise spending money on unneeded fashion items.”
“It’s good to get an education, but not at the expense of anyone else, as much as possible. Her spending habits are not getting her where she wants to go and she needs to re-evaluate her priorities.” ~ LonelyOwl68
“OP and his wife together need to create a budget for the FAMILY income and expenses. For some reason, his wife sees her Uber money as hers, while OP’s money is everyone’s.”
“It’s a lack of shared goals, I think. What they’re doing is switching childcare duties and each working to earn money while the other is looking after the kids.”
“I knew a couple who did this. One partner worked regular 9-5 hours, and the other taught night classes. She’s not a SAHM—she just takes second shift working.” ~ SophisticatedScreams
“Maybe I am old school, but if two people are married and the family is struggling, one partner shouldn’t have ‘fun money’.”
“Your wife really needs to sit down and figure out what she wants to do, because if someone really wants to educate themselves they will prioritize it. The purchases she made goes counter to that thought.”
“You need to talk with her because both of you are very different with money and it is far easier to spend it than to make it. NTA.” ~ isane20XX
The OP provided an update.
“We’re taking the dresses back today.”
“Her mother has rooms full of brand new clothes stacked several feet deep on the furniture, with bins of receipts in case she needs to return anything. These clothes still have the tags attached, and have never been worn.”
“Her mother goes recreational shopping several days a week, and whenever they go on vacation, she takes her daughters to go shop and all the expensive clothing stores instead of seeing sights or planning other activities.”
“When they go out to eat, they split the cheapest food they can find and do girl math to say they saved x dollars and can now go spend it on clothes.”
While it sounds like OP has managed to avoid this crisis, it sounds like a serious discussion and setting some boundaries is needed to avoid the next financial kerfuffle.