Bed and bath time are crucial moments in a child's development.
Routines are key, and for many families not wavering from that routine is vital.
Redditor ZealousidealWait2698 is currently dealing with a broken routine by her husband and it's awkward to say the least.
The Original Poster (OP) turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for help.
She asked,
"AITA for telling my husband the nanny is in charge?"
She went on to explain.
"I want to preface this by saying that I am aware this is a very privileged issue but I'm trying to get some perspective on my opinion."
"My husband and I have 3 kids that are 10 months, 3 years and 6 years old. My husband has a high profile job and it means he's gone often. I work a regular 9-5."
"We originally used daycare for our oldest but my middle was born right when the pandemic began, so we hired a nanny."
"She originally worked when I did. But by the time baby came around, I was very overwhelmed doing bath and bedtime on my own, on top of developing postpartum depression."
"After a breakdown, we spoke with the nanny and she agreed to adjust her hours so she's helping me with dinner, bath and bed."
"We've gotten close over the past 6 months doing this. In many ways, she's become like a third parent to the kids. She's so good with them."
"We've created a routine that works well. I tend to the baby during bath and bed, she handles the older 2. It's a nice rhythm and my mental health has gotten so much better."
"My husband isn't traveling all the time but most nights, he isn't even home for dinner and bed. He will help me weekends he's home."
"But because he's gone so often, he's reluctant to be firm with the kids."
"There are times he's come home when our nanny is there."
"He tries to help her with bath and bed, but allows the boys to rough house, lets them break the routine and it seriously throws them off and delays bedtime."
"My nanny shared with me she feels awkward. Obviously she doesn't want to undermine her employer but it just makes her job harder."
"But my husband also doesn't want her to go home when he arrives as he says he can't handle it alone."
"I told him if that's the case, then he needs to defer to the nanny and follow her lead. She knows our boys best and she has to deal with the aftermath when they don't listen and give her a hard time."
"My husband feels that she's just an employee and he's the dad. His salary does pay for her. However, I don't feel this is fair to her."
"I told him he either follows her lead for bed and bath or he doesn't help at all. He told me I'm allowing the nanny to take over and replace him."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA"
"I'm so angry reading these responses."
"Your husband doesn't want to parent."
"Your husband wants to be Funtime Uncle, who comes in roles everyone up, dishes out sweets, makes sure they don't make their bedtimes and then dips out when the children start having unpleasant reactions to the disruption."
"These Y T A comments are unhinged and blatantly sexist."
"Dads also have to f*cking parent. It is completely reasonable if the only partner doing any parenting puts their foot down on an unacceptable behavior partner."
"EDIT: Because I'm feeling salty on OP's behalf"
"God the sexism is strong here."
"Why does dad always get to be the Funtime guy and mum always has to be the downer doing the actual parenting?"
"This is a huge problem in society. You're sitting here perpetuating a sexist system as if it's good for children."
"You know what is really good for children having a father who is an active partner in parenting."
"It's also completely false that children won't recognize as the grow that dad didn't give enough of a sh*t about them to actually be present in their lives."
"When they look back as adults it's going to be mum they respect. Mum who provided the safe healthy environment for them to grow in."
"Edit 2: thank you everyone for the awards and the upvotes! And to everyone else thank you for reminding me how exemplary my dad is!"
"I've got to go call him and remind him how awesome I think he is." - winsomebunny
"NTA. Ignore the aggrieved men in the comments. If your husband wants to help with bedtime, then he needs to actually help with bedtime, not make it harder than it needs to be."
"Or else he needs to do it alone and deal with the consequences of riling the boys up." - jmbbl
"Yep if he wants to do bedtime- he could let the nanny go home early if he's home on time and then genuinely do it."
"Also everyone feels overwhelmed and like they can't handle something when they first start doing it- your husband just needs to show up and try."
"The first few times might be a disaster but he needs to learn."
"You are 100 percent NTA here but I think the nanny is perhaps also supporting you in ways your husband doesn't and this is an issue that needs addressing."
"I sincerely hope your husband will listen to you here" - charlottie22
"NTA."
"'But my husband also doesn't want her to go home when he arrives as he says he can't handle it alone.'"
"This is the crux of your situation. Horseplay and roughhousing are very important for your children's development."
"If Dad wants to take over and play hee-haw he can very well do that - that's great! But, what he can't do is take over, create a mess, and then have the nanny come to put out the fire."
"If the nanny is going to be taking care of business we play by her rules. If Dad is going to be taking care of business then we can play by his." - naisfurious
"NTA. As their dad, it is his job to make sure they are healthy and happy, and sticking to their routine is the best way of doing that. (Aside from special occasions, of course.)"
"Either he needs the nanny there or he doesn't, but he can't insist she stays and then makes her job worse."
"I'm sure at his high profile job he would immediately sack someone who interfered with his ability to competently perform his duties."
"If he wants to goof off with the kids, let him make time for them that isn't at bedtime." - tritoeat
"NTA. He's trying to Disney Dad his way out of his guilt over being a Mainly-Absent parent. He needs to actually take responsibility for putting the kids to bed if he wants to disrupt the schedule."
"He's being very disingenuous by whining about being "replaced" by the nanny, but also refusing to let her go home because he doesn't want to handle his own children alone." - Basic-Regret-6263
"'He told me I'm allowing the nanny to take over and replace him'"
"I mean, he's not wrong, but that's the situation. He's gone all the time for work. You and the nanny are the primary "parents" in this situation."
"Maybe it's not the ideal situation, but that is the situation because of his job. He needs to come to terms with that instead of trying to assert his authority over her as the 'dad.'"
"Or he can change jobs to something that allows him to play a more active and present role in his kids' lives."
"NTA." - andromache97
"NTA. Former nanny here. I loved the family, I still do, and I think they're good parents."
"My only issue with working for them is that they didn't always respect my time…"
"…(they'd pay me extra when they were late but wouldn't give me a heads up and I was a college student and was drowning in homework and a second job after watching their kids for 30-40 hours per week)…"
"…and the dad would come home and want to be the fun parent and ruin the routines."
"And then the next day, it's 'why are the kids so cranky', 'why didn't they do their extra study work', 'why didn't they do their instrument practice'."
"Oh, idk, maybe bc dad came home, told them they didn't have to do anything they complained for more than 5 seconds to him about, and then he delayed bedtime by almost two hours???"
"Most kids need structure and routines and discipline, and Fun Dad is actually just Guilty Dad not Thinking About What's Best for the Kids because He Currently Feels Bad About not Being Home." - thoughts_are_hard
"'He told me I'm allowing the nanny to take over and replace him.'"
"Welp. That's how it goes when you're never home. He doesn't even want to parent."
"He takes the kids for an hour at a time and gives them junk. Then he hands them back to you or your nanny. NTA." - slendermanismydad
Hopefully, this family can find a routine that works for all of them.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp