Gifts should reflect how a person feels about the recipient. Not for a day or a moment, but overall.
Gifts shouldn’t be transactional, dependent on what the giver can get from the giftee.
A spouse dealing with birthday drama turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Resident_Injury8134 asked:
“AITA for cancelling my wife’s birthday party after she called my sister a leech?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wife’s birthday party was supposed to be this Friday. I actually wanted her present to be a surprise this year.”
“It is not uncommon that my wife will open an Amazon package thinking it was something else, ruining my present surprise. So I sent my wife’s presents to my sister’s house and was going to pick them up Thursday.
“I got a text from my sister saying she got the packages, but my wife saw the text. She made a comment about giving handouts again.”
“My sister and her do not have the best relationship and it is due to different values. They basically disagree on everything, but the big thing that my wife hates is that my sister has asked for money or help.”
“We have a shared account, but also keep separate money. I will lend my sister cash, but I haven’t had to do that in a while.”
“I lend her money from my account, not the shared account. She also pays me back.”
“Lending my sister money doesn’t affect me or the household at all.”
“The biggest expense was around 2,000 so her cat could have emergency surgery. She did pay that back.”
“I truly don’t understand what her problem with me pending moeny that doesn’t affect us at all.”
“Not to mention me lending her money has helped her get her life together. She just finished her nursing course and works at a hospital now.”
“My wife basically told me enough was enough and that I need to stop sending my sister sh*t. She called my sister a leech that can’t get her sh*t together.”
“This resulted in an argument and I told her that my sister was just holding her birthday presents, but now I am returning them. I am also canceling the birthday dinner party.”
“Another big argument happened and I did cancel the plans and asked my sister to return the packages.”
“My wife is pissed at me and called me a jerk. I told her that this is her own fault.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“AITA for cancelling my wife’s birthday party after she called my sister a leech. I could be a dick, since I may be overreacting by returning the gifts and cancelling the party I was planning.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided there were definitely a**holes here, but differed on who it was.
Some felt the OP was the only a**hole (YTA).
“YTA. You shouldn’t treat your wife like a child that you punish when you don’t like what she says. Your wife may have no sympathy for your sister, but you’re certainly not the more noble of the 2 of you.” ~ MyHairs0nFire2023
“YTA, mostly because your wife is trying to protect and defend you from a family member who may be exploiting you, and you reacted like a d*ck.”
“Don’t expect her to stick up for you again.” ~ Western_Bathroom_252
“YTA, I don’t see how canceling the celebration is related to the rest of the situation. She is obviously wrong to be so harsh, but it was super cruel and unnecessary to cancel.”
“Is it so shocking that your wife sees a text that says ‘got the packages’ and assumes it was something purchased for the sister? Especially if there is a history of lending money?”
“It’s not like she saw a text that said, ‘hey, just checking in!’ and jumped to a crazy conclusion.” ~ Organic-Vermicelli47
“YTA – I understand why the ages are not posted because this is not an adult marriage.”
“Missing context on why your wife jumped to ‘handouts again’ implies more than emergency cat surgery. Nor why sister and wife do not get along yet you placed them in the middle knowing this.”
“Then you make a petty decision, impacting others, taking a private matter into a drama staring your wife as a birthday gift. She is your wife.”
“Seriously you punish your wife by taking away her toys and friends? I understand you are defending your sister and personally felt hurt on reflection, but come on, you are not 13.”
“Adults have conversations! Marriages only work with communication and trust.” ~ Bright_Command_6549
Others thought the OP was the one not being an a**hole (NTA).
“OP’s wife is trying to police what he does with his personal hobby allowance, not the household money. Should he ask her to disclose every penny she spends monthly from her personal allowance so he can decide if he approves? Or would that be controlling, intrusive, and judgy?”
“OP invested his personal hobby money in helping save his sister’s cat and helping her finish her studies as a nurse. She paid him back. She is working at a hospital and seems quite responsible.”
“OP is NTA. The sister is NTA. OP has a wife problem.” ~ Avlonnic2
“If you are lending (or giving) money to the detriment of your household you’d be an idiot. However, in this case you have a shared account which funds the household so there is no impact.”
“It’s interesting that your wife opens packages that are sent to you. I’d guess that if you opened her packages she’d be livid (double standards). It suggests she has no boundaries and doesn’t want you to have, not secrets, exactly, but things for yourself. It smacks of a controlling nature.”
“You‘re NTA for cancelling but you would be if you don’t sit her down and set boundaries.” ~ East_Parking8340
“NTA. Sister pays OP back, so saying she needs to get herself together is going a bit far. Not being able to afford a big expense all at once doesn’t mean she’s useless, it just means she’s poor. There’s a huge difference.” ~ ArtemisStrange
“Yeah, this is NTA. If the sister never paid it back it would be different, but I give people in my family money all the time that they pay me back. That doesn’t make them a leech.” ~ Larcya
While the majority of Redditors decided almost everyone sucked (ESH).
“ESH …. There are a lot of things we don’t know. It seems to me at least that there’s more going on than you’re sharing in this post.”
“Sister said she got the package. Not thanks for the cash. Your wife’s response is to tell you to stop sending her sh*t, not how much did this cost you.”
“I’m wondering if you’re in the habit of buying your sister little gifts with no expectations of it being paid for by your sister. Could there be feelings of your wife not feeling celebrated?”
“You disrespected your relationship with your wife (big time). You asked your sister to return your wife’s gifts. I’m going to imagine that given what we do know about their relationship.”
“Your sister probably got some pleasure out of this task you gave to take part in hurting your wife and is probably laughing with her coworkers about it. The sister that you described as growing and overcoming her money issues and your wife was described as… well, actually nothing.”
“The only info we have about her is that they have different values. Considering you married your wife, I’m guessing her values line up more so with your own.”
“Your wife disrespected your sister. without your sister or anyone else hearing, it was a text message and not a phone call. I can’t tell you how many times I have hung up the phone and said to my spouse, ‘Your dad makes me nuts’.”
“If we can’t vent to our spouse, then who do we vent to? You bullied your wife over something that no one heard but you and let your sister take part.”
“I’m sorry, but you overreacted badly. And the empath in me is saying it’s not the first time. Get your temper under control.” ~ Eastern_Effective_87
“ESH. You are treating your wife like a child who needs to be punished because she said something that you didn’t like.”
“You are conflating two different issues: the tension between those two and her birthday.”
“You should have acted like an adult, and had a calm discussion where you expressed your feelings about wife’s comments. Instead, you are being high-handed and patronizing.”
“Wife and sister’s (to a lesser extent) bad behaviour is obvious. Wife should have left the matter between you and sister. Sister should get her act together.” ~ CandylandCanada
“ESH. Calling your sister names is crappy, so is canceling a party over a disagreement. Your wife and sister dislike each other, so it’s not surprising she reacted badly to what looked like you secretly sending her help.”
“It’s absolutely not appropriate to move to name-calling. But that doesn’t mean you needed to return things and cancel the party.”
“Seems like you 2 need to have some serious conversations about boundaries.”
“Maybe you talk about not being awful about your sis, and you agree to talk to her before going over a certain amount in sis help (possibly a great compromise for you, since it sounds like sis doesn’t really need help anymore).”
“I have no idea why she’s so bothered about it, but I bet there’s a reason, maybe a couple’s therapist could help work it out.” ~ padfoot211
It sounds like this couple could benefit from counseling more than a party.
Maybe that should be the OP’s gift to his wife.