When we have a loved one who is in need, it’s often not a question that we’ll be there for them and try to do anything we can to make them comfortable.
But when we take on the role of a carer, we might fail to understand how exhausting that role can be, cautioned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor sillyHannahX had always loved their mother-in-law, but after fifteen years of providing care for her and seeing her continue to decline, they questioned their ability to keep caring for her.
Because of the around-the-clock care she needed, the Original Poster (OP) felt like they were missing out on living their lives and on their marriage.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my significant other that I’m done taking care of her mother after 12 years and just wanna have some fun in our life?”
The OP’s mother-in-law had needed at-home care for almost their entire marriage.
“My Mother-in-law (MIL) has lived with my wife and me for 15 years. We’ve been married for 16 years.”
“Let me say, I love my MIL a lot. I truly do. She is very sweet. This is not a situation where there’s hatred or malice between us. She adores me as well. That’s part of what makes this so hard.”
“MIL had to come live with us soon after we got married because she has mental health issues (Schizophrenia and depression) and was having a complete breakdown mentally.”
“We had to have her admitted to the hospital and get regulated on meds to keep the schizophrenia & depression under control. She couldn’t live by herself at this point and had to come live with us.”
“On top of this, she has a cognitive disability due to having several strokes over the year. Her mind is like a child or teen most of the time.”
“The strokes have affected her motor skills. She’s not steady when she walks, she can’t drive, she can’t perform ADL’s (Activities of Daily Living) without help.”
“She is on disability and has caregiving help through the state for roughly eight hours a day. She also has to have a payee b/c she cannot pay her own bills and make sound decisions.”
“My MIL is fairly young in her mid-60s, but drug and alcohol abuse on top of the mental health issues didn’t do her any favors.”
The OP’s mother-in-law’s condition only continued to get worse.
“Over the years while living with us, my MIL’s health has only declined. She is now at a point where she needs 24/7 care in the home.”
“She cannot perform any ADL without assistance. Someone has to go with her to the bathroom all the time and clean her, and she cannot dress herself, bathe herself, or make her own food. She can feed herself as long as the food is cut up very fine or it’s something she can hold.”
“She is also in the early stages of dementia. She needs a lot of therapy to help with cognitive function and physical therapy to help her get stronger (gait and arm strength mainly).”
“I work full-time & my wife was working part-time. We cannot leave her in the house alone, so we have to structure our schedules to make sure someone is home before the aide leaves daily. We take turns getting up two to three times in the night to assist her with going to the bathroom and cleaning her.”
“We’ve had to install a call button-type system so MIL can alert us when she needs help if we aren’t near her room. Sometimes, she just can’t pull herself up to get out of bed, or she can’t move to turn herself over as she needs.”
The OP worried as they watched their wife’s health and happiness decline, as well.
“My wife is now working as her mom’s full-time caregiver in our home. She’s been doing this for about six to eight months now. It’s taking a toll on her and our marriage.”
“Being her mom’s full-time caregiver and being isolated basically isn’t good for anyone’s mental health.”
“As a married couple that doesn’t have any children, our every move is dictated by what her mom needs. We can’t take many vacations by ourselves to just connect as a married couple because finding someone to be there with MIL 24/7 for days at a time is very difficult.”
“It’s hard for us to just go out to dinner by ourselves. MIL is very dependent on us emotionally and physically.”
“She doesn’t have any other friends, which I personally don’t think is healthy.”
The OP posed an idea to their wife that their wife wasn’t totally comfortable with.
“I recently told my wife that I feel it’s time for her mom to go to an assisted living type facility.”
“She and we have done our part. We need to be able to live our lives, travel, etc. like we should be able to but can’t because of our caretaking responsibilities.”
“I told her I don’t want to resent her or her mom ten or so more years down the road, so I had to finally say something.”
“She feels like she would be abandoning her mom and now feels like it’s a ‘burden’ on me.”
“It is a burden, but one I’ve dealt with for a long time as I love my wife and our marriage.”
“I’m very committed to helping in any way I can. I know there’s so much more I/we want to do in life, and this is limiting us.”
“AITAH for wanting my MIL to go to an assisted living facility?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that assisted living or a nursing home was the right answer.
“NTA.”
“This has gone on long enough. Your wife is sacrificing everything, including her self-care and marriage, in order to take care of her mother.”
“Boundaries should have been set 15 years ago. But it’s not too late to set them now.”
“Having your MIL in assisted care will still allow your wife to visit her every day and support her without giving up her happiness and sanity. It’s the right decision for everyone.” – Emotional-Pilot-4811
“It would also be a good thing for her to have a community! A good assisted living space will allow her to develop friendships with people she sees every day. Isolation is a huge detriment to patients with dementia.” – LuciferLovesTacos
“OP, as you and your wife discuss this, please remind yourselves often that her mom was unfortunate to have become incapacitated SO young.”
“You have ALREADY put in a lot more caretaking years than most adult kids have to devote to their parents’ ‘end of life’ care. It’s not like you and your wife are moving her into assisted living after six months or a year of centering your lives around her.”
“You’ve been doing this FOR FIFTEEN YEARS! Being part- and full-time personal care assistants to her for all that time makes you VERY generous and loving people.”
“You can move forward to find her an assisted living spot feeling proud of yourselves.” – EnvironmentOk5610
“Here’s the thing, unless your wife is a doctor or nurse, she cannot give the best medical care for her mother.”
“Moving her mother to a care facility, with frequent visits offers the best of both worlds.”
“Proper medical staff and care? A mental and physical break for your wife, and the emotional love and connection of you and your wife visiting often, and keeping an oversight to make sure the facility is a good one.”
“It is the best and healthiest balance for all three of you.” – StrangledInMoonlight
“15 years ago, MIL was in a very different state than she is now. What I am trying to say is that while it was fine for MIL to live with them 15 years ago or even ten years ago, her health, mental capabilities, and dementia have progressed to a place where it is not okay for her to live with them now.”
“It’s okay for the OP and his wife to say that what was a good decision 15 years ago is not a good decision now (they don’t have to say or think that it was always a bad decision).”
“Where their home is not the best place for MIL now. It’s incredibly exhausting physically and to the spirit to care for someone with great physical difficulties and dementia . . . Dementia makes the care much more difficult as you lose the person who used to be your loved one and they become more difficult to care for.”
“Also, OP is saying assisted living, but it sounds like MIL is in a state where she requires more care than assisted living provides, which is another sign that home is not the best place for MIL.”
“OP, I encourage you and your wife, or you alone if wife doesn’t want to/isn’t up for it, to talk with your Area Agency on Aging to get a handle on where your MIL is and what would be the best options for a facility for her as well as what financial resources she qualifies for to pay for the facility.”
“Also, OP, what does MIL’s doctor say about her prognosis? What’s the expected timeliness for her decline in abilities — this is important to understand what are the best facilities for her but to be honest, if her life expectancy is six months to a year, your wife may not be comfortable with her going into a facility. NAH.” – Dog1AndDog2AndMe
Others assumed the MIL from 15 years ago would not want this for the married couple.
“Would MIL of 15 years ago be okay with this situation?”
“Or would she be smacking you both upside the head and telling you to use your brains and take care of yourselves? She didn’t raise her daughter to be miserable?” – maroongrad
“I don’t want my children having to care for me like that. It’s one thing to have them visit, make sure some things around the house get done, but I absolutely do not want them having to wipe my a** and feed me.”
“Based on how the OP described her, I’m sure their MIL feels the same way.” – Aer0uAntG3alach
“My daughter loves me like crazy for a teenager, but when we get to that point in my life, she needs to be out living hers. I’m sure the MIL would agree.” – Curious-One4595
“We have already told our children (they’re early adults) that we don’t mind if they help us after surgery or something temporary, but I do NOT want them losing their life to take care of me if I’m progressively ill.”
“If that happens, I’m going out strong. I will not do that to them. And I told my largely empathetic one that I would be P**SED OFF if she feels like she has to take care of me in the future because the answer is no. She needs to do what I want, which is for her to have a life of joy.”
“I raised them because I wanted them, unlike my mother. They owe me nothing except to give me the respect to my face that I give them.” – rikaragnarok
“At her best, would your mother-in-law want this for you and her daughter? This is important to ask.”
“My mom fell into this trap. My grandma took care of her mother until they became incredibly nasty to each other. She hated it and told my mom to promise she would put her in a home when the time came.”
“My mom did not do this and eventually, she was just nasty to my grandma. I didn’t like what it made her, it was not good, and it was done out of guilt. I stand by it was never done out of love. Your wife needs to be really honest with herself about why she feels the need to live her life this way.” – Default-Munchkin
While they applauded the OP and their wife for caring for their mother-in-law for as long as they did, they were sure the couple secretly knew it was time to place the mother-in-law into a center that could provide her the medical care she needed around the clock, and for them to live their lives.
Since their mother-in-law moved in just a year after they got married, they’d missed out on some of the best years of their marriage, and it was time for them to get some quality time together.