For many people, cooking is considered an art form.
Now a person doesn’t have to be a master chef to make dinner for their family.
Cooking has been known to soothe people and bring loved ones together.
For another swath of people, cooking can be a nightmarish chore.
It can be anxiety-inducing and an all-around bad time.
Not everyone can cook, but most people know the basics.
Right?
Redditor Plastic_Voice_6229 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for agreeing with my mom that it’s kind of pathetic my wife can’t cook?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (28 M[ale]) have been married to my wife (31 F[emale]) for about a year.”
“Overall, things are great, but one thing that’s been bugging me is that my wife doesn’t know how to cook—at all.”
“I’ve always been the one to handle meals, which I was fine with in the beginning because I enjoy cooking.”
“But over time, it’s started to wear on me, especially when I come home after a long day at work and still have to cook dinner while she relaxes.”
“She refuses to cook and claims there is nothing wrong with not being able to cook.”
“It’s been an ongoing issue between us.”
“I have been trying to teach her, but she is really bad at it.”
“We’ve had many conversations about this.”
“The other night, my mom (56 F) came over for dinner.”
“As usual, I was in the kitchen preparing everything, and my wife was sitting with my mom.”
“At one point, my mom offered to help, and I asked if she could make the gravy or cut some fruit.”
“My wife was standing around in the kitchen when my mom handed her a knife and asked her to cut some fruit while she handled the gravy.”
“My wife couldn’t figure out how to hold it properly and ended up making a mess.”
“My mom watched her fail to cut the fruit and then blurted out, ‘It’s honestly kind of pathetic that you don’t even know how to cut a piece of fruit at your age.’”
“She then went behind her and started to guide her on how to cut stuff like you do with a kid.”
“My wife kinda shrugged and finished cutting her fruit with my mom guiding her.”
“Then dinner happened, and I noticed my wife was not happy the whole night.
“My mom left, and she was pissed I didn’t defend her.”
“That I embarrassed her by letting it happen.”
“We got into a bad argument, and I told her that it was pathetic that she could not even cut fruit.”
“She is literally older than me and can’t hold a knife properly.”
“She told me that is not the point, and I needed to defend her, and it’s not her fault she is bad at cooking.”
“I point out it is, and she is embarrassed because not being able to hold a knife properly is embarrassing for an adult.”
“My wife thinks I am a huge jerk.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Does she do the dishes/help clean up?”
“I don’t think it really matters which partner does the cooking necessarily as long as the other is helping, and the standard deal that almost everyone seems to follow is that if one person cooks, the other person cleans up.”
“In my house, my wife usually cooks and I usually clean, which is fine because she enjoys cooking and is good (I’m OK, I can cook but she’s definitely better).”
“My mom and stepfather, though, are essentially the opposite… she got home from work late usually and isn’t a great cook anyways, so he cooks, and she does the dishes.”
“And yes, it is kinda pathetic that she can’t even use a knife.”
“Even if you aren’t a good cook, you should at least be able to figure out how to hold a knife. That’s just silly.”
“NTA. She should be helping somehow. You’re not her personal chef.” ~ Tdluxon
“Did she have her mommy cut her food for her growing up?”
“How do you not know how to hold a knife?”
“This reminds me of my daughter when she was little.”
“She couldn’t cut her pancakes well, so she would pick them up and tear them apart before putting anything on them.”
“I let her.”
“She was doing it for herself.”
“Mind you, she knew how to, she just wasn’t good at it and didn’t want to.”
“I’m sorry to the OP, but she definitely sounds like she is using her ‘uselessness’ in the kitchen as a tool to not do something she doesn’t WANT to do (like a child would).”
“You are NTA here.”
“Your mom is NTA.”
“Your wife, on the other hand, is being one by not at least trying or by helping clean up after dinner.”
“You deserve to be able to relax as well. It’s not a one-way street.”
“My husband does his own laundry because he doesn’t like the way I fold clothes.”
“I do mine and he does his.”
“We take turns doing sheets/bedding.”
“I cook and he cleans up after dinner.”
“He hasn’t always, so maybe there is hope for your wife.”
“I’ve been married 10 years, and he just started doing it on his own while I took our dog for a walk.”
“Marriage is about compromise, but if she isn’t willing to throw a frozen meal in the oven so you can relax sometimes too, then you may have a problem that will turn into an avalanche later down the road.”
“Maybe suggest a date night to a cooking class or buy her lessons for her birthday… lol.”
“I’m joking on the birthday part. That will cause another fight altogether.”
“Good luck on having her realize how much of an issue this is & will cause though.” ~ Frequent_Champion943
“I used to think it didn’t matter which partner cooked and which did the dishes (I was the one who cooked, my ex refused to learn or try to learn).”
“Then we had kids.”
“The mental load of meal planning and prep and managing all food decisions for a family of four for 18 years changed my mind.”
“Cleanup is just cleanup; there’s no mental labor involved; it’s a discrete task that is done and over quickly.”
“Meal planning and cooking is an ongoing grind, and the actual cooking is just the tip of a much bigger household labor iceberg, which includes managing leftovers and food storage, grocery planning (even if the other person shops), etc.”
“Being the only cook in a household is WAY more taxing over the years than being the one who cleans up.”
“I’m not saying it’s why my ex is my ex, but it’s a not small part of it.”
“And–an adult should be able to cut a piece of fruit and do extremely basic tasks to feed herself.”
“This sounds like some weaponized incompetence, and while I wouldn’t say calling her ‘pathetic’ was the best choice of words, overall, NTA.” ~ almondorchard
“I would agree.”
“It’s also the fact that constantly doing the same thing again and again gets draining as well.”
“Sometimes you just want to come home from work and have food already available for you.”
“Even if she did help with the cleaning up, I would honestly say she’s still the AH purely for not trying to learn to cook and make it easier.”
“If I was at home all day, I’d want my partner to come back home and not have to stress about what to eat or be hungry and need to spend an hour or so trying to cook up something good.”
“Not being able to cut fruit as well? That’s ridiculous!”
“Also, cooking isn’t hard.”
“There are easy recipes to do.”
“If you follow a recipe, whatever you cook should come out at the very least decent and edible.”
“Everyone can follow instructions.” ~ Simple_Bathroom2119
“Many young people have no idea how to cook nowadays.”
“However not knowing how to hold a knife, or how to cut a piece of fruit is another level of incompetence.”
“It’s kind of scary for an adult.”
“In a perfect world, this would be an aha moment where she realizes it’s time to learn how to be an adult. NTA.” ~ imamakebaddecisions
“There’s no excuse.”
“My parents didn’t teach me to cook.”
“I learned it on my own.”
“I’m Old so, pre-internet I watched cooking shows on TV and just kinda trial-and-error’ed it until I had success.”
“Now there’s YouTube where you can watch someone show you everything like how to hold your knife, dice an onion, sear a steak, or make a full-blown recipe.”
“Preparing and cooking food is an essential skill.”
“I’d put it up there with knowing how to wipe yourself after using the toilet and using a washing machine.” ~ fakesaucisse
“NTA. These comments are wild.”
“Every adult should know basic cooking skills in order to feed themselves, such as using a knife safely to cut fruit.”
“She had this coming to her one way or another, honestly.” ~ thehellcat
“NTA. Your wife should at least know how to cut fruit and some basic dishes.”
“She seems lazy by not even trying or asking how to go about things if she really doesn’t know.”
“I understand your frustration and your mom’s as well, but maybe you should try to have an honest conversation about it (again).”
“There’s clearly an imbalance and that shouldn’t be the case.” ~ wombatlikesgrass
“If this was a 31-year-old dude who couldn’t even slice fruit, more people would be calling this for what it is: weaponized incompetence.”
“Because she knows how to cut up food.”
“She knows how to hold a knife.”
“She uses one to cut up food on her own plate probably every day. NTA.” ~ airazaneo
“NTA, one thing not to cook, but she can’t even cut fruit/ help you prep, etc??!”
“That is pathetic.”
“This applies to all genders.” ~ WrongCase7532
“NTA. BUT Cooking is a learned skill.”
“Some people learn as children, I didn’t.”
“I didn’t learn to cook until I was in my 30s. Now I really enjoy it, but I only learned because circumstances forced me to learn.”
“When you don’t know where to start, it’s overwhelming.”
“Start by teaching her very basic cooking skills like scrambled eggs, and different chopping and dicing techniques.”
“She should be able to learn to cook one meal to give you a night off, even if it’s picking up a rotisserie chicken and mixing up a salad.” ~ WillaLane
“NTA, weaponized incompetence goes both ways.” ~ SnooRadishes8848
OP came back with an Update…
“I can not keep up, over 2000 comments and I have things to do.”
“If you need any more questions, they may already have been answered in a previous comment.”
“I definitely think this is weaponized incompetence. I will suggest marriage counseling and cooking classes.”
“If things don’t change I will be out.”
“I will make this very clear.”
“Also for those asking, it was strawberries.”
“She was smushing them and cutting them with the stems still on.”
Well, OP, it sounds like you have a solid plan.
Reddit is pretty aligned with your thoughts and actions.
Unfortunately, this escalated in such a way. It’s good to hear you’re pushing for therapy.
Good luck.