People have all kinds of reasons for marrying their partners.
At the end of the day, though, the common characteristics are love and trust.
And for most, that is enough.
But one Redditor became upset when their data scientist wife offered a logical answer when they asked why she said "yes," so they turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
The Redditor asked:
"WIBTA for being upset at my wife's reason for marrying me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife(31/F[emale]) is a very practical person and not really 'girly.'"
"I don't know how to explain it other than she sees everything as a cost benefit analysis and doesn't seem to take much of her own preferences into account if she thinks something is objectively better."
"She is a senior data scientist so maybe it's why she is good at her job."
"I love the practically it's so nice to have a debate on why we should do something because of x y and z not because of feelings."
"But I asked her a question on Sat and it's been bugging me since."
"I asked her why she married me kind of wanting to hear how much she loves me."
"She said 'because you asked.'"
"And I asked 'well what made you say yes?'"
"Then she said 'because I trust your judgement.'"
"I was kind of taken aback and asked her what she meant."
"She essentially explained that she loves me but that's not enough and she would never marry someone based on love alone."
"She said when she was younger she loved an idiot who would have ruined her life if she married him so she never dated him seriously."
"She says love and marriage are not the same things."
"She said she trusts me to make decisions that would benefit us and our goals and marriage is like trusting someone with your life and everything you have built."
"I guess I should be flattered but it only seems like she picked me because Im a logical choice."
"Shouldn't it be more than that?"
"That's what is bothering me."
"But I also know she sincerely thinks it's a huge compliment."
Redditors weighed in on the situation and declared that OP was kind of being the a**hole (AH), with many wondering what kind of response OP was looking for.
"Him: I love how she makes logical choices and doesn't argue based on feelings"
"Her: I made this decision based on logic and not purely because of my feelings"
"Him: surprised pikachu face" - Arievo
"Um… wait… is this not how other people choose a partner to marry?"
"She loves you——check."
"She trusts you—- check."
"She knows you will prioritize unit goals that benefit the marriage and your lives—— check."
"This is actually high praise..these are real answers not superficial ones."
"You love her for her practicality— she was honest and I think quite flattering."
"I think you are way over analyzing all this in some kind of a negative light and you reaaaaaallly shouldn't." - Brief-Bend-8605
"If she said that she didn't love you but she trusted you to be a good partner, I could see your point."
"She didn't say that. She said that she loves you AND trusts you."
"You're upset because your wife is too practical to marry a terrible partner if she loved him?"
"You're being ridiculous." - harlemjd
"She's a data scientist, I'm not sure why you're surprised she that she made an informed decision based on more than just romantic feelings" - CrystalQueen3000
"What better answer could she have given?"
"She said she loves you, that's what you wanted to hear, right?"
"But no, you wanted her loving you to be the only reason she married you?"
"I think your wife is the wise one and you'd better wisen up and not let unfair emotions cloud your judgement."
"You married a great woman that thinks with her brain as well as her heart, now let's hope she didn't misjudge you." - Agreeable_Store997
"Someone telling me they trust my judgement and me with their life would melt my heart."
"Why are you tripping ??" - Hour-Courage-8462
"Yes. You're being absolutely ridiculous and f**king up a good thing." - darth_chewbacca
"Great woman this one-she's right."
"Love isn't enough."
"She's telling you that she knew you were a great man."
"Hold on to her and get this out of your head."
"I am just like your wife."
"28 years in, I'm so thankful that logic played the bigger role."
"My husband is the best person I have literally ever met." - day-gardener
"What she's describing is how the majority of women actually describe real love."
"Trust, respect, appreciation, valuing, feeling secure, confidence in someone etc.."
"I don't know how you define love, or if she's ND or on the aromantic spectrum and doesn't associate those things with 'love,' but it seems to me that your problem is that she doesn't think about, communicate or feel about love the SAME way that you do."
"There is absolutely no lack of deep, profound and real love here."
"It's just that the average person just considers those things a part of love" - wwydinthismess
"I'm sorry, but I think your judgement is clouded purely by YOUR emotions."
"She never said she didn't love you, she told you that she loves you but that that's not the only reason she married you."
"She's literally saying that not only does she love you, but trusts that you would make good choices for YOUR future TOGETHER!"
"She has basically said to you,'I didn't marry you out of just love, I married you because you also had other things to offer and that I trust you fully with our future, you offer more than just love.'"
"This is a major compliment and not the 'jab' you're taking it as."
"I sure hope my husband or wife one day says something of this value to me because I'd feel so honoured to know how much I am trusted and that they know what I have to offer and appreciate it!!!" - ThatGhost_
"Yea you're being dramatic as hell lol"
"You married a data analyst"
"She basically gave you high praise in her terms and 'it's not what you wanted to hear'"
"Some people really just don't 'love' like that.'"
"Their brains really take over."
"She jumps with her brain instead of her emotions."
"She must be brilliant. Good for her."
"YTA"
"Stop being a diva" - herejusttoargue909
"I'll put it this way: I just had to leave someone I really loved over his aversions to continuous sobriety (he's an alcoholic) and full-time employment."
"Love only lasts if the rest of the relationship makes sense."
"I couldn't trust him to make decisions to benefit both of us and our future goals."
"I had to be the one shouldering all of the responsibility, all the time."
"YWBTA, and you should instead be deeply flattered by her answer." - catsandcoffeealways
"I'm the type of dude that is nowhere near your wife's spectrum."
"In fact, I often allow my emotions get the best of me, and I'm old enough to just be ok with it."
"So, as far as my emo @ss is concerned, what she said to you was one of the most beautiful, thought-out forms of 'I love you' you'll ever hear."
"I envision a woman who is maybe a bit emotionally stunted, but in the best way, like Spock."
"Someone who'll never fake her feelings for you."
"Someone who's unlikely to betray you, or mock you behind your back to her girlfriends."
"She sounds like a rare find. Don't screw it up." - akillerofjoy
"Bro, I would remarry a woman if she told me that."
"She loves you. She tells you that she loves you."
"She tells you that love is NOT enough for marriage…which is accurate as f**k…"
"She tells you she trusts you with her life. She trusts you to guide her and make the right decisions."
"AND she loves you."
"Your wife literally told you, 'I married you because I wanted to be married for life, and YOU ARE IT.'"
"And you're upset because she didn't give you some BS cutesy reason?"
"YTA especially when you talk about how your wife is practical and basically does a cost-benefits analysis and how much you love it only to get upset when she literally behaves like the woman you claim to love" - Redditor
"YTA. She used logic in addition to love, not instead."
"You should be extra happy, not upset."
"My ex came out as bi."
"My reaction once I had a moment to think was that she chose me Vs twice as many options. (Yes, ex, but not because of that)" - BobbieMcFee
"She gave you one of the most sincere and deep thought answers she could, this was more than you being a logical choice."
"She genuinely trusts you not to f**k up her life, and that speaks volumes more than her telling you she married you because she's deeply in love or some other bs hallmark movie line you've seen!" - Recent-Necessary-362
According to fellow Redditors, OP may need to reevaluate the sentiment and cherish the logic offered by their wife.
Hopefully OP can come to understand that her response was sincerely high praise.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.